Marvy and Liv Enjoy Night Out on the Town

The night out was fabulous. We arrived at the Ri.tz C.arlton and enjoyed the cocktail hour. Well, I should say half of us enjoyed the cocktails, the other half enjoyed the h'orderves! We were able to mingle with the nationally recognized orchestra performers of the evening and our company's clients. Assigned to a perfect table facing the stage and dance floor, we sat down to dinner, accompanied by the orchestra's pianist. Oh, it was a heavenly meal. A mixed green, spiced pear and apple salad with candied walnuts - saladly goodness. Melt in your mouth steak, scallops, asparagus and mashed potatoes. Ooey - gooey warm chocolate cake with raspberry sauce and pistachio ice cream. Enough to make one pregnant woman very, very happy.

The performance included not just the nationally recognized orchestra and conductor, but also a Ton.y award winning broadway actress/singer. My did she have an ego. Every song introduced included some convoluted story as to how the song was connected to her. But at least she was very entertaining. The orchestra played a number of pieces that brought out many to the dance floor. Most of the people on the dance floor were in their 50's, 60's, 70's. And most of them danced beautifully. The older gentlemen in their tuxes with white hair dancing with their wives of many years was so cute! And boy can that generation dance! Marvy and I get points for making out there - but man did they dance circles around us.

We had a lovely evening and I wished we could have taken more photos. Unfortunately we left the camera in the car which was valeted, and our camera phones took the worst photos. But, here is a little something. A photo from the lobby.


I loved that dress. I bought it in the spring for a friend's wedding and it was rather big on me, but the style of the dress was so forgiving that it didn't make a difference. Now, I'm thankful I bought the bigger size because it fit perfectly. If I didn't put my hands to the belly, one could not tell I was expecting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This past weekend we went to visit my in-laws. It was my FIL's 60th and my MIL flew in my SIL with her now 9 week old baby as his birthday present. Despite the six hour drive and short time to spend we had a good time. An interesting emotion struck me, one in which I don't even feel my vocabulary includes a proper term for it. It wasn't exactly jealousy or disappointment or sadness but there was something that my infertile heart still had a hard time with. When I walked into the house there were quite a number of items recently purchased by my MIL for the arrival of her new grandbaby. A large play yard and swing were in the living room, baby bottles in a sterilizer in the kitchen, a box of C.ostco diapers and crib with appropriate sundries in our bedroom. The other bedroom occupied by my SIL and baby included a bassinet, and stacks of baby clothes. It was a weird feeling.

For a second I wanted to flee - which is hard to figure out why. Yes, my MIL purchased these things so that way she had them for her daughter and grandchild. But I know she also purchased these things so that way she would have them for all her grandchildren - including our child. It's silly to feel anything other than happy to see my MIL so accommodating for her children and in laws. We arrived late in the evening and pretty much went straight to bed. After seeing the crib in our bedroom I said to Marvy, "Thank the gracious Lord that we're pregnant right now." He asked why and I said because of all the baby stuff. It struck me that it didn't even occur to him.

I guess it just goes to show you that although a BFP is winning the first battle, it's a long way before infertility resolves itself.

More on the visit... (I've got pictures of the baby and she's a cutie pie) and more on going up to see her in Oregon at another time.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments. I've been a bad reciprocating commenter but I'll get there very soon...bear with me!

Rounding Corners & Marvy Shops

Feels like so much of this year has been about rounding corners to get to the next thing. Almost to the first RE appointment, almost to the HSG, almost to the IUI's, almost through with 2ww. And it doesn't stop now. Almost to 1st beta, almost to 2nd beta, almost to 1st ultrasound.

At one point does one stop to live in the moment?

I was staring at my blog summary and it said I had 90 posts. I thought to myself how I'm just rounding the corner to 100. But, honestly I'm having a heck of a time getting there lately. Feels like I jumped from 60-90 in no time flat and now getting to 100 sometime soon seems impossible. And why is that the case I wonder?

Is this just a temporary case of blogger's block? Was infertility my only muse? Has it left? Well, certainly not the infertile part. I still feel like an infertile, just one who happens to be experiencing something that she thought was impossible once upon a time.

Could it be contentment? Perhaps. Exhaustion? Maybe.

Interestingly enough I realize that I used to spend most of my time writing out blog posts and commenting on others when Marvy was on the other computer playing his A.xis & Al.lies game. Which if you know nothing about this game just know that it sucks hours from my husband's life. Well, he was only playing that as a way to cope with the infertility stuff. Now, both computers are off and we're just snuggling on the couch watching TV.

But, it still strikes me as odd that one of the happiest things that has ever happened to me leaves me speechless. Or wordless as it might be. Is it because it's still surreal? Very few people know right now. My dearie friend Jo, happened to look at my blog after a long time without reading and found out. But, we can't openly talk about it at work. So, about five couples are aware. None of our family knows yet, but that will change on Friday.

Am I going to feel different after that? Will I accept that this is really happening? Well, at the very least I should have plenty to blog about for you guys after that no?

::: :::

Just a couple of quick stories I'll share of the past week. Over the weekend the temperatures around here were 102 degrees, so we tried to stick to air conditioned locations like the movies and the mall. I asked Marvy if he would want to stop by a store that also sold baby stuff just to peruse and get some ideas. He loved it. He walked up and down every isle. Tested out strollers, made comments on cribs. He got all excited about a duo stroller with the J.eep brand. I just shook my head. "Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves here?"

He became obsessed with those little infant suits. The jacket shirt and tie pieces. He even found a tux. Thought it was the cutest thing. He found a pair of tux pants that must have been separated from the rest of the suit and had a price tag of $1. "Can we get it? It's only a dollar! Look it's so cute!" Uh, can we not wait on baby clothes until we know what's in there?

Then the next day I went to go hang out with a couple of girlfriends and he took off to another store, just to see what they had. I knew that the day we found out we were pregnant he would be excited, but at the same time this still surprises me and I find it completely adorable.

Last night he showed me what he bought online when he was at work:

A must have Denver Broncos Onezie. Yeah, so it's Cutler who much to my disappointment is now in Chicago...but it was only 7 bucks. He couldn't resist. I told him that it wouldn't be until Football Season of the year 2011 before the baby would even be able to wear it. Didn't stop him.

And me? I had mild nausea the first week in the afternoons, but this whole week I haven't really had any. Getting up in the middle of the night more that once, to use the bathroom has started. I thought to myself last night that I will probably not know a night when my head hit the pillow and I never wake up until morning in a long, long time. :o) My tummy is bigger, I look like the size I was before I lost 10 pounds last year. Although I suppose much of that is from the meds. Had to bring out my fat pants. Which seems awfully early for 5 weeks to have to already be making wardrobe concessions.

Tomorrow is 6 weeks and first ultrasound is Friday. Cross your fingers everything's as it should and we get to enjoy a lovely surprising of the parents this weekend.

I'm an Infertile: Get Me Out of Here

Question: What is the most scary item to hit an infertile's mailbox?

Answer: The Baby Shower Invite!!!

pulls out hair and screams "NOOOOOOOOO!"

Last week I received an e.vite to attend a baby shower this Friday for an ex-coworker. (I know, I know, who the heck gives less than 8 business day notice anyways???) But, this co-worker is a very sweet person who has been laid-off since Feburary and has had a difficult time finding a job once the black dress magic was unable to truly hide the pretuding belly. She has a beautiful daughter that luckily she's been able to spend more time with now because of the lack of job situation, but it must still be nerve-wracking. Did I mention she's a lovely person?

Okay here's the dilema. One of the people attending is another ex-coworker, and EX-FRIEND. Yeah, you heard that right. I have an ex-friend. (guess I should explain this one)

Once upon a time this ex-friend or EF, and I used to be very close. She was as single gal living with her uncle and working two 40 hour a week jobs. Yet, she didn't have to. She had no debt, and lots of cash. What she did do was complain a LOT about the fact that she didn't have a boyfriend and for that matter, was never able to "meet" anybody. She never had a boyfriend and never even kissed a guy despite the fact that she was 22. Looking back now, I know that she was jealous of the relationship Marvy and I had as newlyweds. So, there were many nights that I was her personal counselor. We'd stay up till midnight many times talking about her issues. Marvy hated it. He liked her and all but he wanted his wife back too.

Then I got a position at my company that she wanted. Well, she became jealous of that too. One day, totally out of the blue when I was trying to be nice and say 'Hello' to her she tells me to "Fcuk Off". This was totally unprompted I did nothing. This combined with a bunch of other stuff that I will not go into and I had it. I cut her off. We stopped talking and if we passed by each other in the hallway neither one of us said a word.

Eventually, I cooled off enough to be cordial with her - but she remained aloof - not even returning my 'Hello's' as we passed each other in the hallway. Years later we went into different departments and rarely crossed paths. Until she dated and married a co-worker of mine. The status quo of cold-sholder remained. And truthfully I was thankful. Because this person exhausted me and never reciprocated the sacraficing support I gave her. Marvy was thrilled that the friendship was cut off because he had his wife back.

So back when we were both 22/23, I was happily married [STILL AM! Love ya Marvy] and she had never even had her first kiss. Fast forward to when we were both 28 and she marries and shortly after has a baby. Congratulations. 28 year old Liv whas still in infertility denial anyway, so it didn't matter. Fast foward two more years to now, and she's pregnant with twins! Twins!

How the hell did I get lapped by someone who never even had their first kiss by 22, THREE times over?

I think you know where I'm going with this now too. She's going to be at the baby shower. Lovely thing about e.vite ain't it? I know it's shameless to watch out for the other RSVP's before you give yours but 'eh, the benefits of the 21st century. I already signed up as a 'Yes' before she did, but I checked last week and there she was.

And now I don't know what to do. It's one thing to go to a baby shower when you know it's going to break your heart. It's quite another when you think it has the potential of being about as comfortable as a root canal sans pain meds. Plus - it's at a resturant that I don't particularlly care for where we all have to pay our own way. (Not cool right? What is up with these people and shower etiquette?) My bestfriend at work, aka my dearie friend Jo, aka foster momma to my kitties will be there. So, that's a plus. But, there will be at least as far as I know at 3 protruding bellies. Can I handle that? I have a hard enough time as it is (although I'm much better) with Jo's. And I LOVE her.

I think if I go I might have a breaking point where I exclaim,

"I'M AN INFERTILE, GET ME OUT OF HERE."

Job Application: Now Hiring?

I realize this is a soft job market. In my line of business I see this every day. In the US we reached record level unemployment numbers. Hundreds of thousands of people are without a job. I am very thankful for the job that I have. My company went through some layoffs this year and I considered myself very lucky to have been spared.

Most people that work in my industry have distinct career paths. They make choices on roles based on whether it fits within their career path. They might involve themselves with projects for the only purpose of marketing themselves for future job positions.I have never been one of these people. There are many aspects of my life that I “plan out” meticulously. However this has never been one of them. I have always had the attitude of “Whatever happens, happens.”

In fact, I would never have been in my current position if it weren’t for the fact that Marvy went through the trouble of submitting my application and my dearie friend Jo arranged for me to meet with the hiring manager. Then in my first year on the job I excelled. In a very short period of time, most couldn’t imagine what our department would have been like without me. But, despite the fact that I had a good job fall into my lap, that pays me a decent wage, this is not the job I want.

I submitted my application to this other job back in 2001 and I still haven’t heard back from them. Perhaps I should clean up my resume and send it in again. I mean it wouldn’t hurt right?

Dear Motherhood,

I would like to submit my application and resume for your consideration. I have been seeking a position in your company since 2001. I appreciate your time and look forward to the opportunity to excel in what I’m sure you would agree is the most demanding yet rewarding of the humanities.

Liv
http://the-life-of-liv.blogspot.com/

Objective
Executive position in field of Child Development and Human Relations for parlay of demonstrated organization, communication, creativity, resourcefulness and project management skills.

Experience
Served as primary birthing and labor coach to a friend in premature labor
Witnessed cesarean surgery first hand to same friend in premature labor
Delivered neighbor’s baby when midwives were unable to reach destination in time – listed on birth certificate
Developed lessons and taught in classrooms of varying age groups – from four-year-olds to forty-year-olds
Logged over 100 hours with reproductive health care professionals – received certificate as professional patient
Married to highly qualified child rearing partner

Profile
Motivated, personable professional with many hours accrued in the volunteer program. Talent for quickly developing solutions to challenging tasks both large and small– recently mastered the task of distracting twin four-year-olds enough to take a charming photo while holding an infant on hip and preventing a kool-aid disaster. Nurturing and caring with infants, toddlers, and elementary age children through teenagers. Accustomed to the handling and proper disposal of biohazardous material. Demonstrated history of coordination with the most complicated of schedules and appointments. Flexible and versatile – able to maintain a sense of humor under pressure.

References available upon request

Well, it still needs a little work this is just my first draft. Let me know if (or when) any of you have found success with this job application in your area!

Livstrong, A Cause Worthy of it's Own Rubber Bracelet

I was having a conversation with my buddy Katie over at The Happy Hours today on what was it now...facebook, email, twitter, blogger? who knows but a concept struck me that I decided I had to blog about. You bloggies are my constant muse.

She had a post that talked about when it comes to dealing with infertility sometimes it's the silence from people that hurts the worst. Isn't that the truth? This whole IF stuff has me thinking that we sooo (and I did...) take our mental health for granted. It would be so helpful for people to acknowledge that this a big freakin' deal. I feel completely melodramatic for saying it, but this crap is like a serious disease worthy of telethons, foundations and our own rubber bracelets.

Now that I think about it...I'm gonna start my own cause. And I'm going to call it..."Wait for it..." (can you tell I love "How I met your mother?") Livstrong. Raise awareness to the mental health of those suffering infertility and for GUACIFIC*. Yes, I realize it's one letter off of another completely legitimate cancer foundation with the little yellow bracelets whom I hope does not get offended and sue the pants off of me. Would help if I said, "No offense" first? Because that always seems to give everyone permission to say whatever they want...that and "I'm just sayin'". Perhaps they'll lay off if I tell them, "No offense but my name is Liv and I'm trying to be mentally strong here...I'm just sayin''

Oh, and the best part?! Our greetings at conventions and stuff... Livstrong & Prosper.

What? I'm just sayin'.

*GUACIFIC: Give Us All Comprehensive Infertility Insurance Coverage. Yes, I made this up myself. I think we all deserve to be inside the GUACIFIC Rim.

People that we interact with in real life really do have a burden in that they hold an important element in our overall well being and contentedness. Yet most are ill equipped with how to do this properly. It becomes easier just to skirt around it. Certainly, avoidance of a sensitive topic must be the nicest thing I can do for my infertile friend. I would have thought the same thing -that is before I became one.

This is not to say that if I have a bad day I can point the finger at someone in my inner circle of friends* and family and say in my whiniest voice, "sniff, sniff...It's your fault I'm feeling this way." Absolutely not. Don't anyone get the wrong impression here. You as a friend or family member have no responsibility towards an infertile's hardship. You are not the cause of our discontendedness. That is squarely on the shoulders of infertility and overall bad cards dealt. Your fertility or superfertility has no correlation to our subfertility. The point here is not to cause a guilt trip. The message is simply that if you do decide to reach out and acknowledge your infertile friend's trials, offer a shoulder to cry on, let them know that you are thinking about them, you will make their day! And when they are going to a rough time good days could not come often enough. Since you are our live-and-in-person friend, your effort only amplifies the good nature. Kind of like how whenever you receive a complement from your husband that you look nice. Yes, it makes you happy. But, when another chick tells you how nice you look or compliments you on something, don't you just love that? Doesn't this just make your day sometimes? This is what I mean when I say you hold an element of our contentedness. You don't cause our bad days, but you most certainly be the cause of our good days.

*Okay, I lied about pointing the finger of blame to friends...You my friend clo.mid... you do not fall into this group. I point the finger at you as cause to much suffering!!!

So here is what you, oh friend of the infertile, can do to help. Talk to her. Only assume that your friend prefers the silent treatment after you have stopped to ask first. I know it seems counter intuitive. But, believe it or not, simply letting them know that this sucks and that you hate for them to going through this makes the biggest positive difference to that person. If that's too hard to do, write to her. If words fail you...copy and paste mine. I lift my copyright restriction for this next section.

Words for a friend diagnosed with infertility: My friend, I'm so sorry to hear that you are having to go through such a devastating family building hardship. I can't even begin to understand. I don't want to make it worse by burdening you. Why don't you just let me know if/when you want to talk about it. Until I hear from you, I'll just assume you need my silent support.

To my friends who do this well. (And if you are one of those reading this blog that know my real name...than that's you!) Thank you for your support, words of encouragement and real life hugs. Sometimes the best thing you've done is given me a hug for no reason at all. It's because of you that I may...

Livstrong & Prosper

When Infertility KO's Your Spouse

Marvy's birthday was in May and I asked him what he wanted for his 35th. In all seriousness he said...

I want a baby. I really do.

Apparently since he turned 35, he now *really* wants a baby. This doesn't mean that he didn't want one all along but rather he actually thinks and even daydreams about it. Shows on TV where pregnancy announcements take place now make him sad for a little bit. (Speaking of which...The Office...WTF!!! This used to be my go to show to get away from pregnancy/infertility stuff! UGH!) Where was I? Ah yes... Before he simply wanted it for me or because he looks forward to being a father one day.

But I think there is a difference between wanting to be a father and wishing for a baby when looking at parenthood from the male perspective.

I think recently...I have started to turn towards a better, brighter, less bitter, hopeful and not as depressed attitude. (at least I'm having more of those moments whereas before I had none!!!) Meanwhile Marvy has moved from his previous position of "It will happen when it happens...everything's going to work out...don't worry so much" to mine.

During our vacation, AF showed up the night before we were supposed to go to New Orleans. He was so disappointed. He thought that since it was now his birthday wish that he was going to get it. That somehow The Almighty and the whole universe would change our 1-2% odds, simply because it was now his sincere request and not my biological clock ticking.

Remember how I told you guys that we were visiting a very pregnant Mr. & Mrs. Rubble? Well, they had the baby this past Saturday. We logged onto face.book to view the pics. I saw the photos of mom, dad and baby and I didn't have those nasty butterflies in my stomach. I sincerely enjoyed seeing the photos.

Marvy was in that place that I normally am. You know the one - The "Yes, I'm happy for them...I know their fertility has nothing to do with my infertility...but I'm still so sad/depressed/want to pick up a kitty and snuggle and cry" place. Okay maybe he didn't want to snuggle and cry into a kitty. But it affected him.

And I did catch him with tears in his eyes.

Not right then...but later that day we went to Chip.otle for dinner. We ate our burrito bowls and guacamole outside on the patio and he was very quiet. We started talking about it and all of a sudden I was the motivator and he was the depressed one. "It's going to happen this month Marvy! I really think this IUI is it. And if it's not, then this will happen in just three months. We're almost there!"

It didn't change anything. He was still sad. He expressed his disappointment with our last non-treatment month before having to pull out the big ammo with injectibles and eventually the cannon with IVF. How the prospect of IVF scares the bejeesus out of him. He's anxious about how all the medications will effect me. I told him how it was sad, but at least it wasn't as sad as the heartbreaking BFN after Thanksgiving. He said, "I know, I don't like to think about that one at all. You had all those pregnancy symptoms. I really thought we were going to have a baby this summer." I looked at him and his eyes were red and welling up with tears. I said, "You look like you're about to cry". He lied and said that it was his allergies. Bollocks.

He said that seeing his friend hold his newborn actually gave him the same butterflies in his stomach as I would tell him about whenever I saw something pregnancy/baby related that was hard. For the first time he knew what I was talking about.

That's it!

Now listen here you beeyotch Infertility, (pardon my language) it's one thing to come land on my shoulders and pull that noose around my neck but it's quite another to mess with my spouse. He was perfectly content until now. That was a cheap shot. You should be forewarned, you have now met your match, and you're going down IF...

You're going down.

I'm Sending Out a Letter...

The letter to my sister in law is going out today. Although I stared at a blank page for a long time, it was actually a bit easier than I thought it would be once I started.

I think I came up with a good stategy about this. I purposely waited until I was in the hopeful stage of this cycle, not during the time that I was crying my eyes out over a BFN. I let out all the bad thoughts via the safety of my blog in the ALI community. (Which again THANK YOU lovely bloggie people for feedback!) I stopped trying to figure out a way to explain all of the hardships I have to endure. I gave myself a goal as to when to have it completed and mailed by. And the letter itself is 75% all about her. Not in a bad way. I spent a lot of time talking about how hard some of her circumstances are and how isolated she may feel. Being 2400 miles away from family, her husband's family not really making this pregnancy a big deal, etc. I apologized for not being there for her as a friend through every milestone. And I ended with this,

You deserve loving attention by all your family including your in-laws (on both sides). You deserve to expand your family and raise a beautiful baby girl. You deserve to be doted on by everyone you know. You deserve to share every exciting detail with all. You deserve people to make this a big deal. You deserve to be a mother. You deserve to make your parents grandparents. I really do feel this way. I wish I had the ability to show you I feel this way besides just words on paper.

The other thing I did, was I'm having Marvy send his mother and sister an article from RESOLVE titled, "Coping with Infertility: How Family and Friends Can Help". It's not an article of Do's and Don'ts, it describes the eight types of loss those suffering from infertility face, and then ends with some simple things to do or at least think about. It's a great article. You're welcome to check it out yourself. I stated in the letter that it was Marvy's idea to share it with her because he thought it gave some insight as to what our life is like right now. And that I hope she finds it informative, and helpful in the manner in which it is intended, not a request for action.

So, there ya go. I think I just earned that Liv 3.0 status I talked about earlier this year. I feel like a big girl now.

Newsflash: Congratulations

Congratulations! You're having a girl!

Oh wait...that's not right...that's not my news. I'm an infertile. Silly me... here's my news -

Congratulations! You get a big fat ZIT!

And to top it off, I get mother f 'er cramps to go along with it. I went in for my CD2 baseline this morning. The nurse today said my "Lining was still very thick, so let's just do a bloodtest to check your hcg, because Clo.mid and pregnancy don't really go well together."

So, then my entire drive back, all morning through work, and most of lunch I had to deal with that on my mind. What if I was pregnant? Wouldn't the fact that I am at CD2 mean that surely it was a miscarraige? Oh, but remember the temperature drop Liv? Yeah but... Man these cramps hurt even after I took two Ad.vil...must be from that damn Clo.mid last cycle...wait why is my phone ringing? Oh, yeah I'm still at work.

After lunch I received the call from Dr. K who said, nope you're negative you get to carry on with the Clo.mid.

Later that day as I was leaving work to go pick up my Rx, I called Marvy to let him know. He asked if I was good with baby news. I said sure. He said that he knew what his sister is having and he even knew what name they were going with. He was so excited, my heart sank. She's having a girl. And the name? Both first and middle names just happen to be on my top 5 list of girl names, the order of favor constantly changes and that name was probably #1 most recently. Stunned silence. I couldn't even speak.

You know those five stages of grief? I am definitely at anger stage now. I don't even know where it came from. I wasn't angry two days ago? When I got home today I got on my bike and took off. What's next bargaining and then acceptance? Uh, is it possible to bargain away this anger for acceptance in exchange? Man, I don't think it works that way.

Are You Fracking Kidding Me?

Okay, first I have to apologize for my absence. I was abducted by aliens. They took me up in their space ship and performed weird tests on me. If I end up pregnant this cycle we might have to wonder who the father is...

No, not really. I'm still just a waiting, in this 2ww. Nothing much to report there. This week has been pretty heavy at work. Although I don't deal with people's taxes in my line of work, my job gets really busy this time of the year because of tax season. Then I had a lovely bout of a minor chest cold. All good reasons to ignore the laptop and go straight to bed upon arrival from work.


But! I did go to the Opera this week. I have a dearie friend of mine who's husband gifted her tickets to "The most romantic love story of all time", as the pamphlet stated. Only problem was her hubby really did not want to go to the Opera, so she took me instead! It was quite lovely. We met a gentleman at dinner who was so cute. He had to have been at least 80 and there by himself. He spoke about his wife as if she had just recently passed away. He was still wearing his wedding ring. Later we learned that she's been gone over seventeen years! It was so sweet to see how even after all this time he was very much still in love with her. So much so that he was there to watch "the greatest love story of all time" by himself.


Okay, now to the reason why I titled this post, "Are You Fracking Kidding Me?"


Nerd alert. I watch Battle.star Galla.ctica. I highly doubt I have any BSG brethern in this community, but if I do, "Holla!". And you'll probably know what I'm talking about. BSG is the only show I'll watch on Sci.Fi. Hey, I do have my standards. The show (the current version) is in it's fourth and final season. It's about a group of humans who have had to flee Earth because it was obliterated by the Cy.lons. Cy.lons are machines, but some of them look like humans. As many of you all can certainly understand there are many times that I watch something on TV with the intended purpose of getting away from it all. Including infertility.
Then why oh, why did they have to write into the show the three things I was turning to Sci.Fi to get away from? Pregnancy, Infertility, and Miscarraige?
Yes, you read that right. All three topics were there tonight!


I'll give you the low down. The Cy.lons have been trying to reproduce and have never yet been successful with producing a cy.lon child. One of them, Ellen, is considered the original model and she and her husband have been trying unsuccessfuly to have a baby for thousands of years. (No, really, that was actually the line) Ellen had died and he moved on. He hooked up with one of the other human looking Cy.lons and she's now pregnant. But then Ellen came back. She then becomes face to face with the other cy.lon who is pregnant with her husband's baby. She tells her how much they've struggled. You can see it in her face. "We didn't have male factor infertility!!! It must have been me!"


For weeks they have been showing the pregnant Cy.lon and even going as far as showing the ultrasounds! She's four months along and she starts showing signs of miscarraige. The stress with Ellen doesn't help and she screams as the doctor tells her it's over. The baby is on the ultrasound screen as she cries.


Now that I read this, I have to say that it sounds more like a soap then science fiction. (I never watch them because I thought the story lines were so ridiculous. Ha, ha, this isn't much better, huh?) It's funny because the show is designed to appeal to men. Not exactly, daytime tv watchers.


Anyway, Marvy and I laughed when I said that even in BSG I can't get away from it all.

I'll Get by With a Little Help From My Friends...

Tomorrow my sister in law will find out if there is a nephew or niece to add to our family. Ashamedly, I have been dreading this. I am very anxious and wished I didn't feel so upset about it. I'm sending out an SOS to all of you in the form of a song to help me get through this. Obviously I stole the Beetles song and turned it around. Hope you like it.



What would you think if I typed out a plea
Would you come near and stand over by me

Lend me your strength, your prayers and your thoughts
And I'll try make you so proud of me

Oh, I get through this with a little help from my friends
Mm, I'll survive with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

What do I do when my heart starts to break
When I fight not to cry anymore?
How do I feel by the end of the day
When I'm sad because the house is empty?

No, I get through this with a little help from my friends
Mm, I'll survive with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Have you ever needed a baby
I need a baby to love
Could it be any baby
I want a baby to love

Would you believe it will happen to me
Yes, I'm certain that it happens all the time
When will my fate meet my destiny
I can't tell you but I know it will me mine

Oh, I get by with a little help from my friends
Mm, I'll survive with a little help from my friends
Mm, gonna try with a little help from my friends

Infertility Sucks Eggs

My husband was best man at his childhood friend's wedding in 2000. It was coming back from that wedding on the plane ride that we decided that we should go ahead and get married the next year. For purposes of blogging let's just call the friends The Rubbles. Betty and Barney Rubble traveled to Guatemala for our wedding and For Barney to return the favor of standing as best man in 2001.

Yesterday, they called to say they are expecting their first child in June. Although I did kinda roll my eyes when I found out they were only off BCP for two months... Funny enough I was very happy and excited at the news. It was a bit of a surprise despite the 9 years of marriage for them, as anytime the topic of children were brought up they both didn't want any part of it maybe even at all.

Poor Marvy was so concerned for me,

Marvy: Soooo... how are your feeling today? Are you able to take a news update?

Liv: Yeah, I think I'm good. Why? What's up? (mind racing trying to figure out what it is) Did your sisterfinoutwhatsheshaving? (last bit came out a bit rushed and without breath!)

Marvy: And what if it is? Would you be okay with that right now?

Liv: Uh, well...I thought I had another week. I was going to blog about it and try to garner support first.

Marvy: Okay well it's not that. Betty and Barney Rubble are expecting.

Liv: Really? Wow, that's cool.

Marvy: So, you're okay with this?

Liv: Yeah, I am. And you know what? It's a good sign. After all they were engaged the year before we were and they got married the year before we did. Maybe that means we're in our upcoming year too.

Marvy and his sister were both childhood friends with Barney Rubble. So, when he spoke to his sister on the phone to share the good news about their childhood friend the first thing out of her mouth was, "So, is Liv okay? Did this news put her over the edge?"

He explained to her that it did not and that it didn't trigger any emotions or CHEWY moments. (Crying Highly Emotional Wifey if you're asking!) Well, as I'm sure you guys can guess what's next. That really hurt her feelings because she thinks it's personal against her that I feel the way I do. She thinks that this is the new status quo of me. "How will she feel when there's an actual baby, are we never going to be able to hang out again?" She asked. Mr. Marvelous did a very good job of trying to help her understand, but we know that's an impossible task.

Ugh. Infertility sucks eggs. No pun intended.

I'm seriously going to have to do something about this. This is the stuff that causes long term issues that just creep up at unsuspecting times. Then everyone's hurt.

to be continued...

Bring it...

Much to write about...too little time to write. Gonna have to make this one short.

We are SO getting a second laptop this weekend. Today was rediculous. Waited until 10:30pm just to get the computer back!

Today was my baseline sonogram for IUI #1 with Nurse Peppy. She's so great, she always remembers me even when I see her and I know she doesn't have my chart around.

I have no idea where this IF journey is taking me. I've been so down lately after evidence of new cycle and that doesn't make much sense. I mean it took getting to CD1 to start this first treatment, but it also meant that we absolutely were unable to beat the odds and end up with a BFP on our own.

Here's what Marvy said about this coming month: "I’m very excited about this month because every other month we have been doing the same thing the same way hoping for a different result. But this month... This month we have people."

I hope you all get the H&R.Blo.ck reference there. :o)

So, now I'm set, waiting to finsh out the week and start LH surge. Oh, and I'm armed with a little Clo.mid. Oh, boy...watch out! I wish I had a good way of warning my co-workers.

I've got more I need to get to...this week I'll write about my SIL, a pregnancy news call from a friend, oh and I got SECOND award - this time from Brooke Holy Cow it just rocks...but I've got to turn it in for the night.

BTW -

Sunshine at Desperately Seeking the Stork just found out her IUI #1 is a bust. Please go visit and say a word or two of encouragement.

The Press Your Luck IF Plan

The clinic's office called on Thursday offering to move up my appointment from Tuesday the 13th to Friday the 9th. What luck! I didn't have to wait all weekend wondering what we were going to do.

So, now we have a plan. I shall call it the "Press Your Luck IF Plan".

And here we go... Medicated IUI, no baby, no baby, no baby - STOP. (And please God no Whammy!)

Yup, that pretty much sums it up. Three cycles of IUI and if we are not successful we will discontinue this course and go to plan B. Dr. K met with us and we discussed how generally a young healthy couple with no obvious reasons for infertility had a good reason to start with the least invasive, least costly, natural (although I have to disagree with the medical field assessment of "natural") treatment. She explained that considering the years of trying without success, untreated she thought we probably had about a 1-2% chance of conceiving. Unmedicated IUI would bring us up to about 8-9%. I asked her what she thought of me going ahead with clo.mid and she thought that if we were fine with the risks, she was fine with that route. It would bring up our numbers to about 10-12%.

Which brings me to a quick point about advocacy. I have always trusted my health care providers. You tell me I should do XYZ, I will do those without question. I have also been very intimidated about speaking up. I have since learned from my research and greatly due to good resource websites like Mel's, that we are the ones in control here. As much as I love my RE, and so far she's been great, it's still my plan here. She is a highly educated, highly skilled tour guide to our fertility journey. We're the ones who bought the tickets, she's the one that is going to make sure that we follow a plan/schedule and it's her job to make sure that we get through this trip as unscathed as possible. But, ultimately if we want to divert, go down a different path then the one she initially has laid out we have to speak up. And the only way we will know to speak up is to educate ourselves to the terrain.

Okay, you're safe. Soap box put away for now! Perhaps that's fodder for another post.

My second thought is in regards to why Buster is the image at the top of this post. I have a fear of miscarriage. I know what you're thinking..."Who doesn't?" For some reason, I just think that my road is one that will be tested and rocky. Sometime during this Press Your Luck IF plan, I think I'm going to hit that "Whammy". That might seem overly pessimistic. My mother used to tell me at times I could be too pessimistic. I disagreed, I told her I was just being practical. In hindsight, given the situations we were in at the time, I was right... but who's counting.

When I was 15 years old I witnessed my cousin's devastating miscarriage first hand. She's a bit older, she was in college when I was born and I was the flower girl in her wedding. But, she's the closest to me of all my cousins. I'll never forget the experience. She already had three kids and was expecting the 4th. Her house was always full of kids. I always thought it was funny that you never really have just your own children, you always end up doubling kiddos. Cousins, friends, neighbors...this particular week in her house was no different. My parents were in Guatemala. My father had lost his job a few years prior to this and tried to go on his own for a while, but was just not finding steady work. So, my mom's side of the family (who is a naturalized US citizen but born in Guatemala) gave my dad a job. They were down there visiting, but checking about the job, checking into housing and schools. Meanwhile my brother and I stayed at my cousin's house.

My cousin had a regularly scheduled check up appointment with her mid-wife. I think she was around 16 weeks. She asked all the kids, "Who wants to go with her to the mid-wife to hear the baby's heart beat?" All of the kids were super excited to go. Then she said, "Joey is going to come babysit for anyone who wants to stay home." Well, then everybody wanted to stay because they loved that babysitter so much. So then the plan was for just her and I to visit the mid wife. The next thing I remember I was walking into a Victorian style home with wood floors and high ceilings. We went into the room and the mid-wife started the ultrasound. I sat in the corner just watching not realizing the impact that 15 minutes had already passed... I didn't even know anything was wrong until I heard my cousin sniffling. The mid-wife wiped off the gel on the u/s wand and simply said, "I'm so sorry. I can't find the heart beat."

I was absolutely shocked. My cousin and I cried together in the car. I remember thinking that it was no accident that I was the one to accompany her there and the other children were not. I cried that night, tossed and turned and could hardly sleep. I just couldn't understand how this could happen. It was that experience that educated me to the miracle that is every life. Can you believe the odds for you and I to be here?

Within the first year of our marriage I saw 28 families in our neighborhood get pregnant. (Well, not first hand of course!) But that didn't even include announcements at church or work. I looked up the stats on infertility and at the time it was one in nine. Well, I started doing the math, looked around our neighborhood and thought our chances of getting the stork with a hopeless sense of direction were very high.

In the end I sure hope I'm wrong. But, Buster - you'd better know that if you show up in my life with all of this, I'm going to hunt you down and cut you up!

You Down with HSG?...(Ya, you know me!)

Today I had my HSG test. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...Happy Birthday to me! If you'd like to learn more about it I recomend going to the Stirrup Queens website on this topic. I have read some women's accounts as an extremely painful experience. I'd have to day that thankfully I really didn't experience tremendous pain like I was expecting. I think this was mostly because it wasn't done with a radiologist but at the RE's office with a doctor who was able to shoot up the cervix with a local.

What was painful were the cramps after the procedure. For about an hour until the maximum strength ty.lenol kicked in it was like the worst period in my life mulitiplied times 5. Ouwie...

What I also find ironic today was that the same day I was having my female duct work piped through with a micro roto rooter, M arranged for someone to clean the duct work in our house. Purely coincidental but, pretty funny eh? So, as I left the house that morning I had three guys going through all my rooms with a huge tube sucking out 8 years of gunk accumulated in our air vents. I then had this image in my head of these guys dressed up like in Mary Poppins, siging the Chimeny Sweep song cleaning out my tubes that are fallopial. Then they started rappin' "You down with HSG?...yeah you know me!

How I Survived the Holiday with Only Minor Scrapes and Bruises

Since I know that some of you "readers" will be asking for the full on play by play with what happened on my Christmas break, I thought I'd put it all together for you and your reading enjoyment. But, just know that this is the good, bad and ugly (ugly being my attitude by the way).

First, I survived. I'm not lying when I say that I escaped with only minor injury. If you could see the bruise on my thigh...it's the ugliest I've ever seen. Second this is long, and I don't expect you to stay till the end. I probably wouldn't, I just needed to get it off my chest, er hardrive...whatever.

Part 1 - The Arrival

So, suffice it to say I was in a constant state of irritation the whole time. It started with Christmas Eve service. PO or the Pregnant One, was not there yet as her arrival was to be around midnight the night before Christmas. We were the only ones in the entire section since we were super early. There were seven of us seated and chatting. A family with two children decide to step all over us, quite rudely pointing out that they have to get to "their" seats. We were in the second row with not a soul around. Couldn't they have just gone around walking past the three empty seats and not stepped on all seven of us? Then they feed their children soda and powered sugar donuts. Right in front of my seat was a large box that housed a monitor and sitting on top were the candles I picked up as we walked in for the candlelight service. The little girl comes all the way over to my side, again stepping in everyone's way and walks off my my candles. Seriously, am I on candid camera or something?

M and I didn't wait up and went to bed knowing that PO and her husband would be arriving after midnight and in the morning it would meet with the inevitable. That next day I got up and came down to breakfast fully dressed with make-up on because dang it I was going to look good at least. PO came down looking fabulous wearing skinny jeans and black tight sweater highlighting all 10 weeks of pregnancy in that belly. The funny thing was that their luggage didn't make it. The not funny thing was that they packed the Christmas gifts in the lost luggage, so we had to postpone our gift exchange until the bags arrived.

I decided I'd go ahead and give the PO a gift that I had put together of some things for her during the pregnancy. Peace offering if you will. I bought a Bel.la Band, a gift baggie of Bell.i brand oils and lotions for pregnancy and the Belly Book. My mom also brought up a baby outfit and PO opened the gifts in front of everyone. This was hard. I had shown M the Belly Book a few days earlier and he was looking through it fighting tears in his eyes. He said, "Why did Dec. 1st have to happen? Man, I wish this was us."

Part 2 - Christmas Dinner

Usually whenever we have a holiday dinner we usually go around the table and tell what we're thankful for that year. It's kinda a Thanksgiving thing but we're never all there for Turkey Day anyway and it just stuck. Thank my living stars that I have a wonderful husband that saw this coming and saved me from this. But, what neither one of us could stop was the Baby Name Game. You know this one...I don't even have to explain it. One of the girl name contenders was one that I really liked. Dude! I pinched M's leg under the table to let him know I was having a hard time and he sweetly rubbed my back until it was over. All I could do was stare at the candles on the table.

After dinner and while most went down for naptime, M and I took our bikes out riding. Boy was I thankful we brought our bikes. I was haulin'. M could hardly keep up with me. He said I should ride angry more often because I was bookin' it.

Part 3 - Introducing CHEWY

That night, and frankly all the rest of the nights I cried myself to sleep. But Christmas dinner was the worst. M and I named it affectionately CHEWY. Stands for Crying Highly Emotional Wifey. What set CHEWY off this time was a discussion after dinner about Santa Claus. M and the PO were recalling the fun they had a children when they believed in Santa Claus. It was cute and stories I've heard a hundred times, but still enjoyed. Then the PO said something along the lines of, "Well, I'll make sure my children don't tell your children the truth about Santa. Because we're not going to do Santa at our house." She went on to say that children will believe anything you tell them because they are innocent and you are their parents. She said that she didn't want to lie to them and ruin it for them. If you are reading this and agree with her point that is fine, that's great for you and your family. But, it made me very sad. No Santa? And we all know what's going to happen one year if all of our children are together. "Ha, Ha you believe in Santa and my parents told me there's no such thing." Anyway, CHEWY didn't like this one bit.

The next morning, I came down again fully dressed and ready to go about 8:20am. I was fixing up my coffee and M and his mom were at the table. Mom said, "By the way you and your sister are going to take your childhood stockings back with you. I have enough Christmas decorations I have to store and it's time for you all to start your own family traditions at your own house."

I was breathing deeply trying to stay calm. Christmas is already hard, so much so in fact that I skipped the decorations at my own house this year. And now I have to take home my dear sweet husband's childhood homemade stocking to start my family tradition but sans family? I was fighting back tears. I asked Mom, "Could you do me a big favor and keep it for now?" she responded, "No. WHY???" All I could do was repeat my plea. Same response, "Why???" this time with a finger pointing in my direction. To that I finally walked out of the kitchen shaking my head snapping off, "Ya know, just nevermind." Arrggghh!

Later that morning, I'm putting on my shoes in my room when I hear, "You guys want to see a picture of your grandbaby?" Oh my freakin' goodness! I slammed the door and decided to wait it out until it was over. But, I could still hear everything. So, I made the bed, repacked the suitcases...still not over. I kept thinking, "Sheesh, she's going to be here for something like 7 days without us here...couldn't she have waited till then?" But, then I told myself that wasn't fair either. Since M was not downstairs when this was going on he had no idea. I had to go find him and I barely got the words out coherently,"Downstairs, Can't do it...Downstairs u/s...picture...Can't do it!"

M went downstairs and asked the PO to put the picture away and she very nicely went right to it.

Part 4 - What shall we do today?

Did you catch the part about me getting up at 8:30 every morning fully dressed and ready to go? Yes, I believe you did. Well, some siblings who shall remain nameless arose after 11 and 12pm the first couple of days we were there. I have noooo problem with that. What I do have a problem with is, "So aren't we going to the coast today?" Well, no in order for us to do that we would have had to leave here around 8am. "So we aren't doing anything today? We're just going to sit around and do nothing? My husband can't do that two days in a row and I promised him a vacation."

So sayeth the person who isn't ready to go until after 1pm I thought. Meanwhile, my husband spent a lot of time and energy into trying to plan things for us to do. Just so happened the coast was going to be the next day. But, it's hard to please everybody and try to do things we can all do and doesn't cost a fortune.

The next day we loaded up the car made a plan to leave the house early and pick up sandwiches for a picnic. On this day I caught a moment alone with M and told him, "Uh, I started my cycle today, (three days early...) so guess CHEWY's making another appearance tonight, Sorry." Oh, of all the lousy timing...

We were going to some walk/hike/bird watching trails and try to rent kayaks or bikes at the coast. The thought was to find trails that would be appropriate for everyone so M found a few options. Since there was much damage from the August hurricane some of the trails were closed. However, the "Trail Closed" signs were simply there as a suggestion and to head off lawsuits? Right? We went down a closed trail, and it felt fun to snub out nose to the suggestion. And then when we got to the point where we really couldn't see the trail anymore, I wanted to turn around. But, we kept going. And got lost. It was only 45 minutes but it felt like 3 hours.

I tripped on a thorny vine and had thorns embedded into my leg. Bloody mess. I fell on my knee and somewhere I acquired a large bruise. An ugly one too. Finally we found the road that led to the park and got ourselves back to civilization.

So, that is the story of how I survived the Holiday with only minor scrapes and bruises. But, let's not forget...I still have my birthday to look forward to some more.

It's Christmas Damnit

One of the truely sad circumstances that come with the infertility territory is becoming someone you don't like or recognize. I have always been a very positive person. Despite major hardships in my life, I've never allowed myself to stay at the table of despair. I may have a time or two, walked up to the table, sat down...and maybe glanced at the menu. However, I was never one to order a five course despair meal nor engorge myself in all the servings.

Lately I just don't recognize myself. By the way, could you pass the pissed off potatoes, the maddening meatballs, and the sourpuss saurkraut?

In my normal state, I've also been very excited about the holidays. I was a deck the haller. M would put the lights up outside, and I would enjoy decorating the tree. I would look forward to it and count down the days until we get to see our family.

But, today is different. Today, is the first year we have no Christmas decorations because I just didn't have the heart to do it. Today everybody knows what I have been able to keep to myself for eight years. I don't want to see anyone that we are traveling to see today. I don't want everyone to have to "account" for my feelings. I don't want the pity. But, I don't think I'll be able to handle hanging around the PO or "The Pregnant One". Scratch that, I dread the thought of seeing her. I just can't knock the feeling in my stomach. I can't name it, label it or fully describe it. But, I hate it. It's not fair to them and certainly not fair to me. I'd like to take it out of my gut and drop kick it.

Good greif...Doesn't it know it's Christmas Damnit?

Testing...Testing...1, 2, 65 million

Today I had my first RE appointment. Ha! They even gave me a button! Here's the official infertility button. I just know your jealous.

It was an interesting process. As they called my name to go in, they asked for the usual things like my licesnse, insurance card, and verifying all my information was correct. But, they also had an attendent similarly to a coat checker where asked me to check my *modesty, *privacy, *embarassment, etc. Then they handed over my pin, and I was "official".

Nurse Peppy was very nice, she laughed with us as we answered her questions as she gathered our history. As we were about to go back to the waiting room, she then mentioned that Dr. K was the only RE in the practice that perferred her patients no wait in the front but rather in the little sitting area in the hall. She always wants to be cognizent of patients waiting on her. Wow, that is nice. I've never had anything like that at Dr. Obgyno's office. Nothing against Dr. Obgyno, but how great is that to actually meet with your doctor as they drink their first sip of coffee for the day and while you still have your pants on?

Dr. K, agreed that everything seemed normal enough that after 8 years of zero, nada, zip birth control, I definitly fit in with the uh, clientele. She decided for starters we can do a monitored ovulation and the SA for hubby. The other nice thing about this office is the onsite work they are able to do. I don't have to go chasing a bunch of different labs, radiology offices, or ultrasound facilities. It's all one stop shopping. In fact we got M's SA back ten minutes later. The good news is after the humiliation of having to go through with that test at least he gets something to brag about. The goal number of sperm per mL is 20 million. That is considered normal. Gracious me... his was 65 million!

As far as my testing goes, there's still more to come with an HSG next month if get a BFN and we're back to CD1. But, they did do an ultrasound. I got the up close and personal look of my uterus and ovaries. We even saw the whole thing in 3D. Pretty neat. Dr. K did think that there may be evidence of endrometriosis on the left ovary, so they're going to keep an eye on that one.

So, we're thankful to have found the right place in this RE practice. Thankful for the doctor and staff. Thankful for insurance coverage. And hoping that just one of those 65 million does it's thing.