Continuing the Story: What a Breakdown Looks Like

Trying to get to the bottom of why this happened to me and how has been an ongoing quest. But, so far I've been able to piece together a few triggering events leading up to the episodes that took place.

Paralyzed: The Physical Manifestation of the Crisis.

The day my mom came which was five days after Baby Max was born seemed sublime enough. She immediately went to work helping us out tremendously. For the last two days Marvy and I worked out a shift system where one of us would be downstairs taking care of the baby. Whenever it was time to get some help, I would call Marvy's cell phone and he would wake up and come downstairs. This worked very well until Thursday night/Friday morning. I nursed Baby Max and subsequently dozed off in a very awkward position. I woke up at 5am with a completely frozen shoulder. I couldn't move it at all and I was in pain. With my other arm I was able to reach the phone and call upstairs. Except that nothing happened. Marvy was so sleep deprived, he didn't hear it. I called, hung up and called again over and over. 20 minutes later I tried my voice. Regular voice didn't work, so then I started shouting. The more I shouted, the more desperate I felt and Marvy still wasn't waking up. Then it turned into a scream, Marvy PLEASE HELP ME. Nothing was working. I am in tears. Desperate, I called my doula who was my only programmed number on the home phone. I asked her to call my home number because the cell wasn't waking Marvy up. She did it without question.

By this point my mom started to hear my screams. She woke Marvy up as the home phone was now ringing from my doula. My mom and Marvy come down to see me practically hyperventilating in tears and unable to move. It was almost 6am by this point. They helped me take care of the baby. But, my shoulder remained useless to me. It would hang like a limp limb.

The Pediatrician Fiasco

So the same morning that all of this took place also happened to be the morning of our first pediatrician appointment. Now 6am, we had to work on getting us all ready for an 8:30am appointment. I was walking around the house with one arm just dangling and having my mom help me put together the diaper bag and other necessary items.

We arrived at the pediatrician's on time and everything seemed to be going very well. That is until it didn't. Now just a little background... I am a mix between typical western traditional medicine and the hippie green non-interventionist styles. My goal was to achieve a natural non-intervention birth experience and I got it. We believed in declining some of the standard baby care procedures at the hospital such as Vitamin K. We had plenty of research to back up what we did and did not believe in. At the same time I'm also someone who believes in vaccinations. Plenty of people in the hippie green non-interventionist group do not, but it's just my thing. So, in the end I figured that I would still be able to have a great relationship with our pediatrician because I wasn't opposed to vaccinations.

We did not circumcise Baby James the hospital, and the pediatrician picked up on this. We told her that our plan was to circumcise the baby with a Moyel (Jewish Rabbi) on the eighth day. We aren't Jewish, but we wanted to follow the Jewish tradition anyway and we trusted the experience of the Moyel to circumcise. Well, the pediatrician freaked out about it. She said that she was unaware that Rabbi's did circumcisions.
STRIKE ONE.

Then she moved on to the baby's weight. He was born 5 lbs 14 oz and on this day he was 5 lbs 2 oz. She didn't say what exact percentage in weight that he lost, but that it was dangerous. We knew that we didn't need to be freaked out about the weight loss so much as she would but at the same time we had not come to realize just how much weight he lost either. We were concerned but we didn't match her freak out status. She immediately started to get us down a path to supplementing with formula or a strict marathon breastfeeding schedule for three days. I did not believe in supplementing at the time because I was afraid of the slippery slope that would be loosing the breastfeeding relationship, so we chose the marathon breastfeeding approach. Looking back now, I'm disappointed that the pediatrician never stopped to ask me how the breastfeeding was going because that could have made a big difference to how well we could have done this approach. I breastfeed in the office after weighing him and she could have weighed him again to see how much he was able to get from me. I have a feeling it would have clued us into the breastfeeding problem earlier.
STRIKE TWO.

She left us for a minute and then came back. She said that she noticed we declined the Vitamin K shot at the hospital. She asked us if we knew what it was. We said that we did and our reason to decline was because we were not circumcising until the eighth day when his Vitamin K levels were at their highest. We did not believe the shot was applicable and could only lead to increased jaundice risk. She then told us that she only had one other family declined Vitamin K and that they had to part ways. She asked to reconsider without providing any rationale for her position. She simply said that if we didn't do the Vitamin K shot that day then she would no longer treat Baby Max and we would have to find someone else.
STRIKE THREE

So here I was six days post-pardum, with a useless arm dangling from my right side, breastfeeding Baby Max with help from my mom and Marvy, crying and in shock. She left us to discuss the situation and let me finish breastfeeding. We called my doula and told her what happened. She was beside herself. She said she had never heard of a doctor make a stink about Vitamin K. She gave us a lot of information to help us feel more confident about our decision. So we decided to stick to our guns. But, we did decide to postpone the circumcision due to his weight loss. The pediatrician said she would continue to care for Max for thirty days to give us enough time to find someone else and to make sure the baby was cared for. As of the last two weeks we have since decided not to circumcise him at all.

Glad to finally get out of there, we then headed out and with the baby in the car, we decided to try and see if my acupuncturist could fit me in to help with my frozen shoulder. They were wonderful. They gave us one of the treatment rooms while we waited and I was able to change him and feed him in peace. It was also special because these were the people who helped us with our infertility. When we came in with the baby they were so happy. They took our photo and spoiled us. They gave me a massage and gifted me a great herbal heat pack. It was fantastic. The massage helped but by the time I reached the car the frozen shoulder was back.

You'll never believe what finally "cured" my frozen shoulder. To be continued...

Baby Pics

While I keep working on my story, I figured I'd leave you with a few pics. Enjoy.

And Just What Does a Breakdown Look Like?

I wish this was what my breakdown looked like. That would be pretty sweet. Too bad I don't have those kind of mad skillz that I could create a little post-pardum-breakdown breakdance. Or do I? Hmm...

On second though there is no such thing as a nursing bra with enough support out there to prevent serious injury. I'd need a helmet.

Telling this side of the story is going to be tricky. Mostly because I don't remember a lot of it. So, I'll try my best to share the dark side as much as I try to lift the fog.

Part I: How Things Started - Pre-Episodes

Things were going very well with sweet Baby Max at the hospital to my knowledge. Sure I cried uncontrollably when Marvy's parents were going to leave and travel the 5 hours back to their home - so much so that my MIL decided to change her mind. But, heck that's the hormones right? I continued to cry as the lactation consultant was trying to help me and my FABULOUS midwife sat with me just to chat for the better part of 45 minutes. Again...happens to us all in this circumstance.

My milk came in within three days and the breastfeeding was going pretty well - relatively speaking. I had swollen and sore nipples that felt like commercial grade sandpaper. Looking back, I actually wish I had that problem from the first week instead of what I'm dealing with now. Both boobs were working with relief from a nipple shield. The LC diagnosed my "Mt. St. Helen's Boob" as a bifurcated, inverted and double nipple. Told ya'll I was messed up. :o) At home, the biggest challenge was the fact that I was not finding a comfortable feeding position. I was using a mountain of pillows plus the bo.ppy and I was still feeling like I had a horrible pinched nerve in my shoulder. (More on that "pinched nerve" later)

The LC Fight - Wendy vs. Kay

The point came when I knew I needed to pump in order to prevent engorgement. I thought I was prepared because I had the pump already. With coaching from Wendy the long distance Lactation Consultant, I learned that I needed a bigger size breast shield (the funnel looking things on the breast pump) then what came in the box. Wendy was a highly recommended LC, by my doula and also by my Brad.ley instructor. The only trouble was she was located an hour away, so we did a lot of consulting over the phone. Kay was the other some what recommended LC, but the problem with her was that she lacked serious bedside manners and she was quick to bill (a pretty penny too) plus sell you on the things in her store. However, she was conveniently located about a 15 minute drive away. So, I trusted Wendy to be my LC and I figured I'd use Kay for her store.

So at Wendy's insistence, I needed a 36mm breast shield. They come in 24mm, 27mm, 30mm, and 36mm. After checking around with Tar.get they only had the smallest two sizes. So, I called over to Kay's place and her assistant answered and within 30 seconds I learned that they carried the size that I needed and they were closing in 30 min. I sent Marvy over there with very basic details to pick up the size that I needed per Wendy's instructions. Marvy was a bit confused because he had no clue as to what I was needing despite the fact that I stated exactly what it was. (How is a guy supposed to understand parts to a breast pump anyway? Lol) He also wasn't 100 on Kay's location. I told him we didn't have much time, I gave him the phone number and said to get on the highway and they can direct him from there.

My MIL was here at the time, and she sensed that Marvy was agitated and was afraid he would get lost. I, on the other hand knew that once he received the instructions from the store he'd be set, because I knew where they were and it was on Marvy's route to and from work - so he'd be fine. My MIL decided to call the store and asked for explicit instructions. This time it wasn't the assistant that picked up it was Kay. My MIL is not from this area, so when the person on the other line said, "Go North on XYZ, and exit hwy 1234"... that meant nothing to her so she was exacerbating the situation my trying to clarify every turn. So, my MIL basically thought Kay was rude and completely unhelpful because she didn't like how she gave directions. (Meanwhile I think Kay thought this person must be clueless)

While this is going on poor Marvy is getting a busy signal trying to call Kay!

Then Kay decides to prompt my MIL as to what exactly do we need. She states it's the 36mm breast sheild. Kay peppers us with the following:
Why do you need that size? No one needs that size.
Who told you? What LC? What's her name?
If you were to have come here I would have measured you appropriately.
What you were told by the other LC is old school and completely unnecessary.

Me: It's only $12.50...I'm simply following instructions from my LC and trying prevent engorgement here. (crying ensues)

My MIL then yanks the phone out of my hand and gives Kay a piece of her mind. It was madness. My confidence was completely sunk. Marvy came home with a measuring device and he helped me measure them and it seemed as though the extra large size was unnecessary, so I had him take the big size back the next day. What I didn't realize at the time was that it wouldn't be until I pumped that the entire nipple would make it's appearance.

In the end I lost even more days not pumping.

This takes us to Thursday and the beginning of "The Episodes".

to be continued...

PPP Happens & I'll Be Bustin' Out Soon

I heart everyone's comments. Thank you so much.

If anyone has any more information on PPP leave a comment with the info. You are welcome to LFCA that. I just don't have all my wits about me to get to that point yet, so any shortcuts would be helpful. All I have is the diagnosis... I don't have anything else.

I have noticed however based on the group therapy I have received here that I must have been dealing with anxiety for a long time on my own. Aparently I suck at it.

But, know that through all of this what were two things that were always on my mind. How can I help someone else who may find themselves down this road and this will make for some facinating blog content. :o)

GREAT NEWS!!! Liv's new code name tomorrow will be Jailbird Mama. That's right. They are letting Crazy Liv out! Whoo!

I'm trying to post photos now... who know's what that will look like. Right now I'm not caring. [ Check it out folks! Therapy and medication work!!!] All the photos were from our Valentine's day. The PG pic of me was two hours after my water broke. You don't know it but, I'm wearing Depends under there. You are also looking at a sneak peak to the nursery. There's more to see but the big reveal is forthcoming. The paint job is something I'm pretty proud of. The border at the chair rail level was something I painted myself. Looks like wallpaper doesn't it?

Much more to follow...

Baby Max is Here, and Why I'm Not

Hello to my dear sweet bloggy people.

I owe a million follow ups, and I'm so sorry I haven't provided them. I will be in a better position to do this sometime soon.

Blogging became my therapy. However, at some point I kept putting it off and fixating on trying to make everything perfect for the baby. Unfortunately I didn't realize the cost. I want you guys to know that this will be returning soon. As hard as it is Marvy and I know how much good this does for me so even if we have to schedule the time, we will.

First of all a couple of things you guys need to know!

Baby Max was born on Valentine's Day at 1:19pm. What a Valentine's gift!!!! Appropriate since my birthday is New Year's and Marvy's is Mother's Day. We are a holiday kinda family.

He was 5 pounds 14 ounces and at his two week appointment today he is back to his birthweight and then some at 6 pounds 2 ounces. He is absolutely adorable and I'm starting to think he looks a lot like Marvy. Which makes me so happy.

I had an awesome, awesome birth experience. Thank goodness for my doula and Bradley experience otherwise I think it would have been far different.

Water broke at 4:30 am, contractions at 6:30am. I labored at home in the tub, on my hands and knees on the bed, on the birth balls, my doula showed up and we raced to the hospital at 10 am. By the time we showed up at 11:00am, I was completely dialated at 10. I went through transition in the car! It was awesome and I have a photo of what I looked like right after and it's beautiful.

James two week birthday was yesterday and unfortunately I wasn't there for it. Since Wednesday I have been admitted to the psychiatric ward of the hospital for treatment of post-pardum psychosis. [I'll let that sink in for a second. Yes, I know you are probably rereading that a couple times. It's pretty unbelieveable.] There is also what we believe as obsessive compulsive personality that we are now uncovering has been there all along. I realize the gravity of this and yet I want to joke about it. Or at least I give you guys permission to should it strike you... :o). Here's mine first. Why is this happening to me? Liv? The one who normally does everything so well? Because "My brain, is too sexy for PPD, too sexy for PPD so sexy it hurts... I'm a patient I know where I am and I do a little turn in the Psych Ward." :o)

I know I'm going to be okay. Things are going to be way better know. I may be able to get out tomorrow if not Wednesday but no later than Friday is what it seems. There are a ton of posts to write about over the course of the last two weeks but let me just share a couple great things.

I am able to see God in everything.
My prayer life is way better than it ever was.
The baby is safe, loved and cared for. He is doing very well. And the cutest thing ever!
Work Sucked - Now I qualify for Short Term Disability and that means I get more time at home with the baby. (I'm not taking advantage of anything - this really is a disability to my job)
My already awesome relationship with my Husband is even awesomer.
My family who I felt like wasn't in a position or priority to be by me has totally changed. They are the ones taking care of Max as we speak.
My sister in law who I was never in accord with I now feel is my "big sister". The magnets have flipped their polarization.
I understand my mother better and she understands me.
No one and I mean NO ONE can ever question my commitment to breastfeeding. The fact that I'm able to pump while in a psych ward proves that without question!
They call me a "model patient"... :o) which means I get rights to the Internet now. :o)

I'm afraid I don't have a whole lot of time. So I'm asking for all of you to throw me some tow lines. Please post your comments! They will be taken as hugs for someone who so desperately needs them. I will try to explain as much as I can when I can, but for now I just need some friends who I can share this with.

With all my love,
Liv

P.S. For those of you who read my blog and whom I refer to as my real peoples. It's okay that you know what is really going on. But, know that I'm keeping this under wraps for now. Please pray for me and my family - but no facebook updates please. If you are a real peoples, please provide support to Marvy. This has been really tough on him. He has been wearing himself out ragged. I love him so much.

Holy Heck - How Did We Get to Here Already?

My friends we are at 29 weeks and 5 days. I am so amazed at how fast these last nine weeks have gone by. The midwives office told me I'm now to the point where I come in every two weeks. Crazy! I supposed being super busy certainly helps with that. I keep kicking myself for lack of writing and comenting - thanks for never making me feel more guilty than I already put on myself.

First, thank you to everyone who was concerned about my headaches. The really bad knock-you-down headaches have pretty much disappeared. I went about nine days straight with headaches that ty.lenol couldn't touch but since then they have been much more manageable and the extra-stregnth pills seemed to have done the trick. Very happy about that.

I decided to keep the baby's real name on the DL in blogland, but I wanted to have some sort of name that I could use here that made me smile. I decided on Max. For one - I think it fits nicely with Marvy. And two - there's a bit of a spanish connection. In spanish, the equivilent of saying something was "awesome" was to say it was "lo maximo". These things never work out in literal translations do they? For us to say something is "the maximum" with enthusiasm and people might think we're crazy. Well imagine if in spanish we were to say something is "grande" when we are trying to describe how amazing something is exclusive of size. Then we're the crazy ones! But, this blessed experience that I have wished for for so long is finally happening and I can't think of a better way to describe it then to say that it is, "Lo Maximo".

So, Max has been kicking up a storm. I remember kind of whining to Marvy when I was at 16 weeks because I couldn't definitively feel the baby move like some of my other friends who were ahead of me and shared their experience. Of course now that is funny because the movement is just all over the place now. Marvy says that they are my "gifts" - something that only I am able to experience first hand. Sure, he has felt his fair share of kicks now but it's not the same.

We are halfway through our Bra.dley Classes for childbirth. I love them. They are the highlight of my week. Our instructor also happens to be expecting and she is due about 10 days after me. We also stumbled into a private class when the other two couples ended up canceling last minute. I have always wanted a natural childbirth experience but as I was first contemplating this in my first trimester I was afraid that maybe I didn't have "the stuff" to really pull it off. Luckily, my first decision I made (even before finding an OBGYN) was on our doula. She helped me find a midwife practice that labored out of a hospital. I was then able to read and research more on the subject and my confidence grew. And the classes have further solidified why not only is this the right choice for me - but that I wasn't increasing risk by giving up the highly medicalized and interventionist approach. I am no longer intimidated about the process.

Part of me wanted to take back some of the "natural" process that I lost through ART. There is something definitively not natural by concieving when your husband is doing nothing but holding your hand and a nurse is inserting a catheter through your cervix. The intimacy aspect of creating a child which so many people are able to do so easily is simply torn out of your grasp. To make up for this loss I think I wanted to try to recapture this intimacy via natural childbirth. I have many a friend who think I have lost my marbles, but I am so happy that this is our approach.

I think the Bra.dley Method is a very good one. I love the fact that it's a 12 week course. Many people scoff at this but I view it as a way to stop for two hours out of the week and prepare yourselves for a major event. Many compare it to preparing for a marathon. It's not something that you can decide at the last minute that you can just put some tennis shoes on and take off. In order for you to be successful, you have to prepare appropriately. I have been very pleased with their diet and nutritional information. And simply their philosophy overall.

I will say however that there are a few drawbacks to the Bra.dley course. First, the majority of the material they have their instructors use is way outdated. Some of the videos are from the 60's and 70's. The outdated material sometimes makes their arguments for their cause invalid. For example, the book I'm reading spends a whole chapter on why their method is better than Lam.aze because of their strict breathing approach. But, Lam.aze abandoned this idea a long time ago.

There are many things with them that are totally non-negotiable and I think it's silly. For example, when you go to the Bra.dley website they have a place that you can click on to find an instructor. And may of them have their own mini profile page for you to learn a little bit more about them and when their class schedules are. My instructor's profile included that she used to be a 7th grade math teacher. They pulled her webpage down and have since refused to put it back. Why? Because they thought her saying that she was a school teacher was irrelevant to her being a Bra.dley instructor. I actually thought this was a great thing. It showed me that she had the patience to teach! They have also threatened to pull her certification because she made mention on her own professional website that she was a DONA certified Doula. They made her pick one. She could either be a Bra.dley instructor or DONA Doula on her own website (not related to Bra.dley). She can't even mention that she's a doula period! Ridiculous.

Anyway, I have learned a ton and I am thankful for the new friendship I have been able to make with the instructor. I know it may sound crazy, but I am actually really looking forward to my labor experience. I welcome the challenge.

We have put in new hardwood floors (well - laminate) and got rid of all carpet in our downstairs. I think it looks great. Oh, that reminds me I need to post on that specifically - Marvy did something pretty special that I think you guys will enjoy.

We have painted the nursery. The paint inspiration comes from my bedding selection. Which ended up being totally different the post from a while back. I'll show you guys what I mean as soon as it's done. I'm just working on the finishing touches on the paint job.

Okay, well I suppose that will just have to do for an update for now. Again so sorry for such absence. Can I make up for it with a photo or two?

This is from Thanksgiving weekend which was about 27 weeks. This was taken in South Texas. For those of you from up North, Yes- those are palm trees. :o)

Here we are at 29 weeks.

I hope everyone is doing very well!

Take care & much love to you all,

Liv

Not Going to do that Again...

This is going to have to be a short update because I have to head off to work. Which means no fancy stuff - even spell check. Sorry!

Saturday I had a headache. Ty.lenol didn't kick it, and it didn't feel great but I could manage. Saturday night and Sunday was much worse. I would cry out in pain whenever changing positions. Sitting to standing. Standing to bending over. Rolling over while sleeping, etc. Moreso in the evenings than in the day. I stayed home on Monday and Marvy stayed home too to take care of me. We called the midwife office left a message for a nurse and didn't hear anything for hours. Marvy called the doula and she was pretty helpful but still thought I should check in with the midwife. So we called back.

Marvy told them that my blood pressure has always been spot on and if anything low and not high. I was not seeing spots or blurry vision. They still decided that I should go in to the hospital to be under maternal observation.

Marvy had just scheduled a massage for me, so we went to that and then headed off to the hospital from there. They checked me in and had me on a fetal monitor and contraction monitor. Everything looked great with the baby.

(I should also mention that last week at my midwife appointment she checked to see if I was dialated because I had been reporting what to me seemed like a uterus contraction. The whole belly was really hard. Didn't feel like the baby changing position or anything. It would happen whenever I stood up and it would slowly go away when I layed down. So, she wanted to make sure I wasn't dialated. And I wasn't, so things there were fine.)

The baby on the heart monitor was kinda neat. Whenever the baby would move, jump or kick you could hear it. It was like someone tapping on a microphone really hard. It was cool to hear and feel the baby move at the same time.

When they established that everything looked great with the baby, bloodwork and urine came back normal, blood pressure was 113/66. The midwife asked me if I wanted something for the pain of the headache. My first response was, "Well, no. The point of coming was to check and make sure everything was good with the baby and we could rule out any bad stuff from happening." She then said, that what she'd like for me to try was going an IV with an IV medication.

I probably should have gone home instead and nursed it on my own.

They gave me Sta.dol. It's a narcotic they give to laboring women who ask for something to deal with the pain of labor. It was awful. She described the stuff as something that would basically make me feel drunk. Sounded like something I could handle. As soon as it went into the IV. I could feel it. I handed over my glasses and book to Marvy and told him I won't be needing them anymore. He and the nurse were shocked I could feel it already. The nurse also said the midwife ordered a pretty strong dose. I started to try to sleep, but as sleepy as I was I could not even come close to sleeping or even relaxing for that matter. I felt like my nerves were shot. My mind kept thinking wacky stuff. I felt like asking to make the carnival ride stop.

Then the sweat started.

I was sweating from head to toe. Buckets. My legs were slippery from all the sweat. They turned the lights off, but since it was a windowless room it was so dark. The only light we had was the orange glow from the heart monitor.

Every noise sounded like it was 10 times louder. I asked Marvy... "What is that tapping noise under the bed?" Turns out it was the clock on the wall. I thought for sure it was right under my pillow. So, he took the batteries out.

I remembered thinking how the heck do women labor on this stuff. My body felt so heavy, I couldn't relax at all, I felt horribly uncooperative. Headache was gone but it felt like trying to kill a bug with a nuclear bomb. I really thought at that moment that the drug was worse than the head pain.

Slowly the effects subsided a bit. And as it did...the headache came back. And guess what? It came back worse then when I went in. (remember how I said it was worse at night? it was now closer to 8pm. and I didn't have the benefit of the slow uphill climb to the intensity) They gave me the option of more Sta.dol or to go home with a migraine med I can pick up at the pharmacy. I choose the home option.

Looking back I'm kinda glad I had the narcotic just so that way I know that is not something I ever want to do again. I probably would not have anyway...but now I have first hand experience.

The migraine med was not much better. I felt jittery and dizzy/loopy. I ended up staying home again yesterday because I had to concentrate pretty hard just to communicate. I also didn't feel up to driving either. Marvy stayed home with me again. Poor guy, he just hates to see me like this.

So after 4 days of evil headache this morning I still have it but it's way better than it was. Thank goodness there was no sign of premature labor. But, the headache sucks still. I just wish it would go away altogether.

P.S. Thank you for all of the great comments on my nipples. :o) Some very, very helpful comments that made me feel much better and even made me cry because of how encouraging you made me feel. Thank you!!!