Marvy and Liv Enjoy Night Out on the Town

The night out was fabulous. We arrived at the Ri.tz C.arlton and enjoyed the cocktail hour. Well, I should say half of us enjoyed the cocktails, the other half enjoyed the h'orderves! We were able to mingle with the nationally recognized orchestra performers of the evening and our company's clients. Assigned to a perfect table facing the stage and dance floor, we sat down to dinner, accompanied by the orchestra's pianist. Oh, it was a heavenly meal. A mixed green, spiced pear and apple salad with candied walnuts - saladly goodness. Melt in your mouth steak, scallops, asparagus and mashed potatoes. Ooey - gooey warm chocolate cake with raspberry sauce and pistachio ice cream. Enough to make one pregnant woman very, very happy.

The performance included not just the nationally recognized orchestra and conductor, but also a Ton.y award winning broadway actress/singer. My did she have an ego. Every song introduced included some convoluted story as to how the song was connected to her. But at least she was very entertaining. The orchestra played a number of pieces that brought out many to the dance floor. Most of the people on the dance floor were in their 50's, 60's, 70's. And most of them danced beautifully. The older gentlemen in their tuxes with white hair dancing with their wives of many years was so cute! And boy can that generation dance! Marvy and I get points for making out there - but man did they dance circles around us.

We had a lovely evening and I wished we could have taken more photos. Unfortunately we left the camera in the car which was valeted, and our camera phones took the worst photos. But, here is a little something. A photo from the lobby.


I loved that dress. I bought it in the spring for a friend's wedding and it was rather big on me, but the style of the dress was so forgiving that it didn't make a difference. Now, I'm thankful I bought the bigger size because it fit perfectly. If I didn't put my hands to the belly, one could not tell I was expecting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This past weekend we went to visit my in-laws. It was my FIL's 60th and my MIL flew in my SIL with her now 9 week old baby as his birthday present. Despite the six hour drive and short time to spend we had a good time. An interesting emotion struck me, one in which I don't even feel my vocabulary includes a proper term for it. It wasn't exactly jealousy or disappointment or sadness but there was something that my infertile heart still had a hard time with. When I walked into the house there were quite a number of items recently purchased by my MIL for the arrival of her new grandbaby. A large play yard and swing were in the living room, baby bottles in a sterilizer in the kitchen, a box of C.ostco diapers and crib with appropriate sundries in our bedroom. The other bedroom occupied by my SIL and baby included a bassinet, and stacks of baby clothes. It was a weird feeling.

For a second I wanted to flee - which is hard to figure out why. Yes, my MIL purchased these things so that way she had them for her daughter and grandchild. But I know she also purchased these things so that way she would have them for all her grandchildren - including our child. It's silly to feel anything other than happy to see my MIL so accommodating for her children and in laws. We arrived late in the evening and pretty much went straight to bed. After seeing the crib in our bedroom I said to Marvy, "Thank the gracious Lord that we're pregnant right now." He asked why and I said because of all the baby stuff. It struck me that it didn't even occur to him.

I guess it just goes to show you that although a BFP is winning the first battle, it's a long way before infertility resolves itself.

More on the visit... (I've got pictures of the baby and she's a cutie pie) and more on going up to see her in Oregon at another time.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments. I've been a bad reciprocating commenter but I'll get there very soon...bear with me!

Partie Excludere

in⋅vi⋅ta⋅tion 
–noun
1. the act of inviting.
2. the written or spoken form with which a person is invited.
3. something offered as a suggestion: an invitation to consider a business merger.
4. attraction or incentive; allurement.
5. a provocation: The speech was an invitation to rebellion.

ex⋅clu⋅sion 
–noun
1. an act or instance of excluding.
2. the state of being excluded.
3. Physiology. a keeping apart; blocking of an entrance.

(definitions provided by: http://dictionary.reference.com/)

It seems to me that when one experiences a lack of invitation, it would be reasonable according the web defition at least, to therefore feel excluded. Whether intentional or unintentional one can still be justifiably hurt to learn that they have been excluded.

I have a feeling you all know where I'm going with this.

Through a conversation Marvy had with his mother on Tuesday, (we called for her birthday) I learned that over the weekend she had the most wonderful time at C's (Marvy's sister) baby shower. The other SIL A, (Marvy's little brother's wife) who co-hosted, did such a wonderful job with the baby shower games that she actually had fun.

As my intelligent bloggy homies that you are, I'm sure you figured out that I was never invited or even given the head's up/acknowledgement of said baby shower.

C lives halfway accross the country and an expensive airplane ticket away from our whole family. So, I never presumed that I would even get a shower invite. Marvy's mother is flying up there for the birth and to stay and help a bit. So, she would not have afforded to have flown there for such an occasion. Pretty much same goes for everyone else. However, this shower was a day trip drive away during a three (and in our case four) day weekend. I didn't even know she was going to fly into this particular city in my driving radius, but she needed to clean up the house they are selling and her friends decided it would be perfect timing to throw her a shower. The SIL A, only lives two hours away, so she was able to go. And my MIL decided to fly up to help, so she was able to go.



Now before anyone labels me the overly sensitive angry infertile, (Yes, I know it's not like they came to my city and forgot to invite me) I do realize of course, the circumstances are coincidental. I highly doubt that those involved came to the intentional conclusion that I, being the obvious infertile party pooper that I am, should not be invited. I get that. Frack it. It still hurts, because if it were me, I would have been more thoughtful.

Going to her baby shower would have been difficult and sad for me. Yet, despite how it would have made me feel, I still would have wanted to go. Marvy would have wanted the opportunity to see his sister with a pregnant belly. When she has the baby this summer it's pretty unlikely that we will get the chance to travel up there to see her. For one thing, there's the possibility that we'll be in the middle of an IVF cycle. Second, I don't think I can afford burning up the vacation days, and potentially leaving me with no recovery days to take off. Lastly, it will be cost prohibitive. This would have been the perfect chance for us to go up there during a three day weekend and share in the celebration of this first child in our family. This was the only baby shower that included any family. When you consider who the women are in our immediate family, there are only four. My MIL, SIL C, SIL A, and me. Three of the four were present yet I was not.

After listening to my "complaints" about all of this Marvy thought that perhaps the family should throw her a baby shower and invite the extended family and friends. (Obviously, not by me) He thought he should talk to his mom about that. He said it could even be after the baby is born. I told him he can try, but I know that's not going to work out. There's no reason for my MIL to throw her a shower after she had the chance to go to one. There's no way for my other SIL to afford to travel to my MIL's city and why would she when she co-hosted one. My SIL is not going to be able to afford to fly down to my MIL's city and probably can't justify the headache of traveling with an infant just for a baby shower.

It leaves me extremely dissapointed. At first Marvy was really mad at me for getting upset about it. (We were up till 2am "discussing" it) After all it is only a party and besides considering the fact that her pregnancy has been difficult for you, why would anyone come up with the thought of telling you about it?" He said. Eventually he calmed down and agreed that given the fact that they were a reasonable driving distance away even with no party, given the potential opportunity, it was disappointing.

Which brings me to this point. If you are a friend or family member of a person or couple struggling with infertility, and you are asking yourself, "Should I invite my infertile friend or family member to my baby shower/christening/child event?" Even though it may be difficult, it is still helpful to reach out to that person during events that had the circumstance been different you wouldn't think twice about inviting to. The act of not inviting is only going to make that person feel more excluded and seperated. They may not be able to attend, but at least they were given that choice to make. What would probably make that person feel better is to attach a seperate note to their invitation or maybe a personal phone call. Include something like the following:

"I know that it's events like these that make your struggle more difficult, and I don't want you to feel obligated to attend. I just thought I'd make sure to include you as you are someone I deeply care for."

Now that I have that off my chest, I'm off to start my weekend. Which, oh by the way, includes seeing MIL and SIL A who are traveling to my city for a wedding of a family friend that we are all going to. And how is it my intelligent bloggy homies that we are all going to this event? Oh, that's right, because we were all invited.

Being Driven by Hope - Possibly Into a Wall

This is looking a lot like last month...the one that ended in a hard crash and burn. This cycle is the purple and last month is the green.

I feel like I'm at heightened alert because I just heard tires screeching. Every muscle is tense. I'm trying to brace for impact. I'm stuck in this car with a driver named Hope and she's erratic, possibly drunk, and driving like a mad-person. I know some people may see this as an extremely pessimistic and negative viewpoint. I'd rather think about how I'm just being realistic. There's a good chance that tomorrow will end much like it did before. Hope, you're a bloody drunk and I don't know why I got in the car with you.

::

My MIL called on Monday night just to call and check on me. She asked to speak to me - which is a first THIS WHOLE YEAR! We haven't talked much (minus the m/c scare of my SIL 1/3) since Christmas. Well, we chatted mostly about infertility for an hour and a half. It was all because of this RESOLVE article I sent her. She said it took her two days to read it but she thought it was absolutely fantastic. She said she learned a lot from it, and mostly she wants me to know that even though she can't relate because she's never been there, she wants to be there for me.

Marvy at one point spoke up (we were on speakerphone) and gave a good analogy of my emotional state and where he is in all of this. This is what he said,

"I see Liv in this giant hole in the ground with walls that have no footholds. I am at the top looking down, but unable to offer a proper rope or ladder - as they all fall too short. Instead all I can do is stick around and offer an encouraging word. But, then other women end up getting dumped into this hole too, and I see them putting her on their shoulders to help her out. Eventually, one day she will make it as enough people push her up and I will be there to grab her."

Pretty sweet huh?

Please let my temp stay up. Hope, please take it easy I me...I don't want to crash again.