It’s just a blog. I shouldn’t put too much pressure on myself. Words to a piece of paper, or keystrokes to a computer I guess actually. Why has it been so hard for me to write stuff down as much as I want to? Who knows but why I beat myself up about it any longer and just start to “do”. There we go, New Year’s Resolution from long past giving it another try.
Dear Husband M and I have been married about 7 and a half years now. Over time, I have come to realize just how thankful I am that 18 year old Liv fell in love and didn’t let anything get in the way of marrying such a wonderful man. 29 year old Liv is very truly happy. So, thank you Lord, for all of the circumstances you had me go through to get me to here.
This year has been a little crazy. I thought I was going to go insane with my job, but right now I think I might be able to handle it. Grandma became ill and passed away. I’m trying not to feel guilty for not staying in touch with her enough the last few years. But, man I miss her. That funeral was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I shall post my eulogy another time. But, suffice it to say, I’m going to really try to keep in touch with my family as a tribute to her.
We also visited Guatemala. We haven’t gone back to Guate since our wedding. It was good to see everyone and hang out with DH's family. Mom and Dad went down for Grandfather's 82nd Birthday and it was a great time. It also reminded me how I would love to have a family soon. Soon not exactly being very well defined at this point.
In October, we went down to Houston to visit with Mom, Dad, Grandparents. We ate like kings. We had dinner at Morton’s and brunched at the Four Seasons. (Man I love that brunch) I shared with the Grandparents some of the documents that I have found through the ancestry research I have been up to. Grandmother loved it. She was so excited and thought it was the neatest thing. I so enjoyed getting to experience that. Even though the heritage is not mine, I felt compelled for the sake of my future children to collect as much information as I could from them.
When we were driving back from Houston, M and I started talking about kids. Which we have done many, many times. Children is not a new topic with us, we’ve chatted and fantasized about what our life would look like. We’ve debated over how many, over names, singles vs. multiples, boys vs. girls. We just really haven’t put ourselves in too much pressure about it. We’ve always planned for children, but we have not exactly been planning for children. At least not both of us in partnership for a child abundant home. So, I was thinking about when M and I met. He had gone for a few months in Guatemala completely depressed. For not having friends, for his situation with his grandparents, and for being depressed when he had much to be thankful for. So, he decided to dedicate the next 100 days to God and fasted from 7-7pm everyday. Six days later he met me. -Which of course threw his plans for a loop but it reminded me about including God in your plans. Yes, I know it should be the other way around, but how many of us seriously do that on a regular basis?
I suggested to M that perhaps we should dedicate the next 12 months to prayer and specific request to start a family next year. Spend 30 min every Sunday praying about it. Wouldn’t it be great if next year after Europe 3 at Christmas we could announce that Mom and Dad would be come Grandma and Grandpa? I had butterflies in my stomach at the suggestion. Also, if that does work out to be true, what a great story we could tell our kids that we spent 52 days praying specifically for them? I felt very compelled to let M know what I wanted to do. And he loved the idea. That was three weeks ago and we have followed through with our prayer time. I’m really enjoying it more than I dreaded it when I first brought it up.
Then yesterday happened. I did not see it coming. I certainly did not see the emotions that I would have coming. M’s sister called with the news straight away that we would be aunt and uncle. I don’t know if it was my heart or my stomach but it felt like when you were three feet from the top of the roller coaster you shut your eyes for a second and then suddenly you are at that drop. I had just finished my cereal and still had the spoon in hand. I spent the next 15 min. staring at the spoon and eventually ran to the bathroom and balled my eyes out. Why on earth was I reacting this way? It doesn’t make any sense. My SIL is nearly three years older than I am. She is in a loving and dedicated marriage for what four years now? Why should she NOT have children before me? I couldn’t help myself. With each blowing of my nose, I felt as if I was losing one by one each of those fantasies I had dreamed about and it would never be the same. Then to make matters even worse, I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. If it was anybody else would I not be jumping up and down for joy? Shouldn’t I be excited that M’s parents will be grandparents? Shouldn’t I be excited about becoming Auntie Liv? Blaaaah….more crying.
I figured this was a great excuse to drink, so I enjoyed the rest of the day at a local brewery tour, wine tasting at Central Market, and margarita’s at a mexican resturant. We had fun hanging out with our friends Jo & J… and I was about […] close to declaring myself over it.
Then another phone call. This time about planning Christmas. Before yesterday SIL and husband couldn’t come to Texas, so in my pity party yesterday I thought well, at least I don’t have to deal with that this year. So, maybe it won’t be so bad…. Uh, it’s now so bad. Now, the thoughts are flooding in about the 99% of conversation that will be taken up by incessant baby talk. Baby gifts, baby bumps, baby toys, pregnancy talk, names, grandparents, first grandchild, last Christmas without kids… Blaaaaaaah….more crying. This time it was accompanied by trembling. Good LORD! Will this ever stop?
I’ve really got to pull myself together and snap out of it. There’s nothing I can do about it. No amount of moping is going to change anything. I know this. Or I should say MY BRAIN knows this- I guess my heart is riding the short bus to get there.
On the positive side however, Michael and I had a bit of a heart to heart. He saw how I really feel about the whole thing and has decided to REALLY prioritize this family planning thing. Apparently he’s been undoing all of my prayers and wishes…with “Not yet Lord!”
I guess that makes it official. You know how at Texas de Brazil they have the red disk/green disk? Whenever you’re ready for the good stuff, you flip your card over. And you just wait for deliciousness? Perhaps we will now flip that card over…We’re changing the “planning to have children” to “planning children”.
Dear Husband M and I have been married about 7 and a half years now. Over time, I have come to realize just how thankful I am that 18 year old Liv fell in love and didn’t let anything get in the way of marrying such a wonderful man. 29 year old Liv is very truly happy. So, thank you Lord, for all of the circumstances you had me go through to get me to here.
This year has been a little crazy. I thought I was going to go insane with my job, but right now I think I might be able to handle it. Grandma became ill and passed away. I’m trying not to feel guilty for not staying in touch with her enough the last few years. But, man I miss her. That funeral was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. I shall post my eulogy another time. But, suffice it to say, I’m going to really try to keep in touch with my family as a tribute to her.
We also visited Guatemala. We haven’t gone back to Guate since our wedding. It was good to see everyone and hang out with DH's family. Mom and Dad went down for Grandfather's 82nd Birthday and it was a great time. It also reminded me how I would love to have a family soon. Soon not exactly being very well defined at this point.
In October, we went down to Houston to visit with Mom, Dad, Grandparents. We ate like kings. We had dinner at Morton’s and brunched at the Four Seasons. (Man I love that brunch) I shared with the Grandparents some of the documents that I have found through the ancestry research I have been up to. Grandmother loved it. She was so excited and thought it was the neatest thing. I so enjoyed getting to experience that. Even though the heritage is not mine, I felt compelled for the sake of my future children to collect as much information as I could from them.
When we were driving back from Houston, M and I started talking about kids. Which we have done many, many times. Children is not a new topic with us, we’ve chatted and fantasized about what our life would look like. We’ve debated over how many, over names, singles vs. multiples, boys vs. girls. We just really haven’t put ourselves in too much pressure about it. We’ve always planned for children, but we have not exactly been planning for children. At least not both of us in partnership for a child abundant home. So, I was thinking about when M and I met. He had gone for a few months in Guatemala completely depressed. For not having friends, for his situation with his grandparents, and for being depressed when he had much to be thankful for. So, he decided to dedicate the next 100 days to God and fasted from 7-7pm everyday. Six days later he met me. -Which of course threw his plans for a loop but it reminded me about including God in your plans. Yes, I know it should be the other way around, but how many of us seriously do that on a regular basis?
I suggested to M that perhaps we should dedicate the next 12 months to prayer and specific request to start a family next year. Spend 30 min every Sunday praying about it. Wouldn’t it be great if next year after Europe 3 at Christmas we could announce that Mom and Dad would be come Grandma and Grandpa? I had butterflies in my stomach at the suggestion. Also, if that does work out to be true, what a great story we could tell our kids that we spent 52 days praying specifically for them? I felt very compelled to let M know what I wanted to do. And he loved the idea. That was three weeks ago and we have followed through with our prayer time. I’m really enjoying it more than I dreaded it when I first brought it up.
Then yesterday happened. I did not see it coming. I certainly did not see the emotions that I would have coming. M’s sister called with the news straight away that we would be aunt and uncle. I don’t know if it was my heart or my stomach but it felt like when you were three feet from the top of the roller coaster you shut your eyes for a second and then suddenly you are at that drop. I had just finished my cereal and still had the spoon in hand. I spent the next 15 min. staring at the spoon and eventually ran to the bathroom and balled my eyes out. Why on earth was I reacting this way? It doesn’t make any sense. My SIL is nearly three years older than I am. She is in a loving and dedicated marriage for what four years now? Why should she NOT have children before me? I couldn’t help myself. With each blowing of my nose, I felt as if I was losing one by one each of those fantasies I had dreamed about and it would never be the same. Then to make matters even worse, I AM A HORRIBLE PERSON. If it was anybody else would I not be jumping up and down for joy? Shouldn’t I be excited that M’s parents will be grandparents? Shouldn’t I be excited about becoming Auntie Liv? Blaaaah….more crying.
I figured this was a great excuse to drink, so I enjoyed the rest of the day at a local brewery tour, wine tasting at Central Market, and margarita’s at a mexican resturant. We had fun hanging out with our friends Jo & J… and I was about […] close to declaring myself over it.
Then another phone call. This time about planning Christmas. Before yesterday SIL and husband couldn’t come to Texas, so in my pity party yesterday I thought well, at least I don’t have to deal with that this year. So, maybe it won’t be so bad…. Uh, it’s now so bad. Now, the thoughts are flooding in about the 99% of conversation that will be taken up by incessant baby talk. Baby gifts, baby bumps, baby toys, pregnancy talk, names, grandparents, first grandchild, last Christmas without kids… Blaaaaaaah….more crying. This time it was accompanied by trembling. Good LORD! Will this ever stop?
I’ve really got to pull myself together and snap out of it. There’s nothing I can do about it. No amount of moping is going to change anything. I know this. Or I should say MY BRAIN knows this- I guess my heart is riding the short bus to get there.
On the positive side however, Michael and I had a bit of a heart to heart. He saw how I really feel about the whole thing and has decided to REALLY prioritize this family planning thing. Apparently he’s been undoing all of my prayers and wishes…with “Not yet Lord!”
I guess that makes it official. You know how at Texas de Brazil they have the red disk/green disk? Whenever you’re ready for the good stuff, you flip your card over. And you just wait for deliciousness? Perhaps we will now flip that card over…We’re changing the “planning to have children” to “planning children”.
