It's Christmas Damnit

One of the truely sad circumstances that come with the infertility territory is becoming someone you don't like or recognize. I have always been a very positive person. Despite major hardships in my life, I've never allowed myself to stay at the table of despair. I may have a time or two, walked up to the table, sat down...and maybe glanced at the menu. However, I was never one to order a five course despair meal nor engorge myself in all the servings.

Lately I just don't recognize myself. By the way, could you pass the pissed off potatoes, the maddening meatballs, and the sourpuss saurkraut?

In my normal state, I've also been very excited about the holidays. I was a deck the haller. M would put the lights up outside, and I would enjoy decorating the tree. I would look forward to it and count down the days until we get to see our family.

But, today is different. Today, is the first year we have no Christmas decorations because I just didn't have the heart to do it. Today everybody knows what I have been able to keep to myself for eight years. I don't want to see anyone that we are traveling to see today. I don't want everyone to have to "account" for my feelings. I don't want the pity. But, I don't think I'll be able to handle hanging around the PO or "The Pregnant One". Scratch that, I dread the thought of seeing her. I just can't knock the feeling in my stomach. I can't name it, label it or fully describe it. But, I hate it. It's not fair to them and certainly not fair to me. I'd like to take it out of my gut and drop kick it.

Good greif...Doesn't it know it's Christmas Damnit?