Rounding Corners & Marvy Shops

Feels like so much of this year has been about rounding corners to get to the next thing. Almost to the first RE appointment, almost to the HSG, almost to the IUI's, almost through with 2ww. And it doesn't stop now. Almost to 1st beta, almost to 2nd beta, almost to 1st ultrasound.

At one point does one stop to live in the moment?

I was staring at my blog summary and it said I had 90 posts. I thought to myself how I'm just rounding the corner to 100. But, honestly I'm having a heck of a time getting there lately. Feels like I jumped from 60-90 in no time flat and now getting to 100 sometime soon seems impossible. And why is that the case I wonder?

Is this just a temporary case of blogger's block? Was infertility my only muse? Has it left? Well, certainly not the infertile part. I still feel like an infertile, just one who happens to be experiencing something that she thought was impossible once upon a time.

Could it be contentment? Perhaps. Exhaustion? Maybe.

Interestingly enough I realize that I used to spend most of my time writing out blog posts and commenting on others when Marvy was on the other computer playing his A.xis & Al.lies game. Which if you know nothing about this game just know that it sucks hours from my husband's life. Well, he was only playing that as a way to cope with the infertility stuff. Now, both computers are off and we're just snuggling on the couch watching TV.

But, it still strikes me as odd that one of the happiest things that has ever happened to me leaves me speechless. Or wordless as it might be. Is it because it's still surreal? Very few people know right now. My dearie friend Jo, happened to look at my blog after a long time without reading and found out. But, we can't openly talk about it at work. So, about five couples are aware. None of our family knows yet, but that will change on Friday.

Am I going to feel different after that? Will I accept that this is really happening? Well, at the very least I should have plenty to blog about for you guys after that no?

::: :::

Just a couple of quick stories I'll share of the past week. Over the weekend the temperatures around here were 102 degrees, so we tried to stick to air conditioned locations like the movies and the mall. I asked Marvy if he would want to stop by a store that also sold baby stuff just to peruse and get some ideas. He loved it. He walked up and down every isle. Tested out strollers, made comments on cribs. He got all excited about a duo stroller with the J.eep brand. I just shook my head. "Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves here?"

He became obsessed with those little infant suits. The jacket shirt and tie pieces. He even found a tux. Thought it was the cutest thing. He found a pair of tux pants that must have been separated from the rest of the suit and had a price tag of $1. "Can we get it? It's only a dollar! Look it's so cute!" Uh, can we not wait on baby clothes until we know what's in there?

Then the next day I went to go hang out with a couple of girlfriends and he took off to another store, just to see what they had. I knew that the day we found out we were pregnant he would be excited, but at the same time this still surprises me and I find it completely adorable.

Last night he showed me what he bought online when he was at work:

A must have Denver Broncos Onezie. Yeah, so it's Cutler who much to my disappointment is now in Chicago...but it was only 7 bucks. He couldn't resist. I told him that it wouldn't be until Football Season of the year 2011 before the baby would even be able to wear it. Didn't stop him.

And me? I had mild nausea the first week in the afternoons, but this whole week I haven't really had any. Getting up in the middle of the night more that once, to use the bathroom has started. I thought to myself last night that I will probably not know a night when my head hit the pillow and I never wake up until morning in a long, long time. :o) My tummy is bigger, I look like the size I was before I lost 10 pounds last year. Although I suppose much of that is from the meds. Had to bring out my fat pants. Which seems awfully early for 5 weeks to have to already be making wardrobe concessions.

Tomorrow is 6 weeks and first ultrasound is Friday. Cross your fingers everything's as it should and we get to enjoy a lovely surprising of the parents this weekend.

Must Make this Quick!

Okay, sorry no time tonight for the usual (cutesyness, pics and the basics like spelling, editing of things like run on sentances and basic grammar) - but I just had to share last two days.

This year has consisted of RE meetings, the HSG, coochie-cam appts, b/w appts, trips to the pharmacy, psycologist appts, acupuncture appts, scheduling of all of the above, and calls to Insurance. All during the business hours of 8am-5pm.

I have been physically and mentally absent from work on many occasion. This is now all starting to bite me in the butt. Granted, *hopefully* one of these days I'll be a normal(?) pregnant person with normal appointments for the rest of the year, but still. The first half of the year has been one huge distraction.

Work has sucked recently without my issues. They have increased our client count by 50%, we have lossed resources due to layoffs, and time sensitive projects that are legally required once every so many years happens to fall on this particular year. Yet, most everything that I am evaluated on for purposes of annual merit increases or bonuses (and ultimately job security) is none of the above, currently out of my control, or not something I have the time to do whilst I try to simply stop the bleeding. But, it's not just me...my entire team is feeling the pinch. It's a really bad year to be in our jobs right now.

But all of my absences have helped create this massive hole that I can't seem to get myself out of. Yesterday my (thankfully awesome) boss came to me to discuss my performance. I had two clients wish to complain about my lack of responsiveness. And truthfully, they are right. I just haven't been able to get to everyone. Then today there was another complaint, albeiet a very kind client who said that they loved me and thought I was great - just wanted to bring to her attention my recent uncharacteristic behavior.

Lovely.

Then I broke down today. This time someone yelled at me about why I hadn't resolved their inquiry a week ago. My boss met with me to discuss the follow up to the client who was kind but complained nonetheless. When she finished, she stopped to ask how I was doing because she didn't think I was having a good day. I broke down again. Then the rest of the day I was on the verge of tears the whole time.

When someone asked me a work question, I was great - but they could tell I had been crying so they'd stop to ask how I was doing and bam...here come the floodworks again. It was people caring about me that got to me the worst.

And of course I was working off of lack of sleep too which doesn't help. This morning when I got up for my "Every eight hours I must insert frozen bullet up the whoohaa" thing, half asleep I saw red on the tp. Looked like what would normally be the first wipe or two hailing AF. I kinda freaked out. EVEN THOUGH I knew it could be completely normal and even due to the progesterone irritating the sensitive womanly bits normally only occupied by those with the proper tourist visas to be there in the first place. I remained calm- Okay no clots, only bright red on first wipe, no cramps- I'm okay. That is until I went back to bed. I recalled the events of the day. First trip to acupuncture into this pg, first chinese herbs perscribed by acu, prior day pains*, FORGOT my 12:30 progesterone. It all swirled together and made for one nervous nelly. I woke Marvy up to pray for me.

It didn't come back the rest of the day. I am most inclined to believe the frozen bullets are to blame. But it sure stole some restful hours of sleep this morning.

*Thank you to Kristen and the rest of the bunch who brought to my attention Round Ligaments Pain. This article, plus a others I researched on the web made it sound exactly like this. I immediately felt better, thank you.

Okay, I've gotta run now. Must get to bed, so I can get to work early to try to get myself out of my mess.