I'm Sending Out a Letter...

The letter to my sister in law is going out today. Although I stared at a blank page for a long time, it was actually a bit easier than I thought it would be once I started.

I think I came up with a good stategy about this. I purposely waited until I was in the hopeful stage of this cycle, not during the time that I was crying my eyes out over a BFN. I let out all the bad thoughts via the safety of my blog in the ALI community. (Which again THANK YOU lovely bloggie people for feedback!) I stopped trying to figure out a way to explain all of the hardships I have to endure. I gave myself a goal as to when to have it completed and mailed by. And the letter itself is 75% all about her. Not in a bad way. I spent a lot of time talking about how hard some of her circumstances are and how isolated she may feel. Being 2400 miles away from family, her husband's family not really making this pregnancy a big deal, etc. I apologized for not being there for her as a friend through every milestone. And I ended with this,

You deserve loving attention by all your family including your in-laws (on both sides). You deserve to expand your family and raise a beautiful baby girl. You deserve to be doted on by everyone you know. You deserve to share every exciting detail with all. You deserve people to make this a big deal. You deserve to be a mother. You deserve to make your parents grandparents. I really do feel this way. I wish I had the ability to show you I feel this way besides just words on paper.

The other thing I did, was I'm having Marvy send his mother and sister an article from RESOLVE titled, "Coping with Infertility: How Family and Friends Can Help". It's not an article of Do's and Don'ts, it describes the eight types of loss those suffering from infertility face, and then ends with some simple things to do or at least think about. It's a great article. You're welcome to check it out yourself. I stated in the letter that it was Marvy's idea to share it with her because he thought it gave some insight as to what our life is like right now. And that I hope she finds it informative, and helpful in the manner in which it is intended, not a request for action.

So, there ya go. I think I just earned that Liv 3.0 status I talked about earlier this year. I feel like a big girl now.

Sending out an S.O.S

I've determined that I need to take some steps towards minimizing some of the resentment on both sides of the table with my SIL. I can't bring myself right now to discuss this over the phone, so I'm going to write her a letter instead. I'm opting not to send an email because emails are more difficult to gauge tone and I hope the extra effort of a physical letter helps. I'm wondering you would be willing to help provide some feedback on what to say.

Let me start by providing you a bit of background to understand the situation a little better. (For those that know this story, you have my permission to skip down...but don't leave, because I need some help! See below)

::background::

My SIL had a pregnancy eight years ago that she ended in abortion. This was really difficult when we found out about it, because she told everyone originally that she had a miscarriage and it wasn't until two years ago that she confessed what really happened. Marvy and I, as newlyweds at the time, offered to have her live with us in our house and offered a tremendous amount of support when she was alone and pregnant. Marvy and I even made up our minds about adopting that baby when she was considering that option. (She doesn't know about this conversation though) I forgive her for this, because I know God has forgiven her of this and I try really hard not to think about it. Although I must confess this forgiveness is a daily occurrence as the devil trys to instigate something. I debated sharing this with you guys because I don't want you to think badly of her, but I couldn't reconcile how to gloss over it.

We have never really had a super close connection. I've never picked up the phone to call and just chat. Whenever she calls after the polite "howya doin?" it's always followed up with asking to speak to her brother. We are very different people. In the past the differences always seemed endearing really. She is athletic, runs daily and I do not have an athletic bone in my body. She is super health conscious, and I have no problem indulging in abeit infrequent Mc.Donald's fries and W.endy's F.rosti.e. I shop at A.nne T.aylor Loft, and she shops at Char.lotte Ru.se. There are things that she envies about me and things that I have envied of her. She lives 2500 miles away and we usually are only able to visit every two years or so. We've always had no trouble getting along in person and I bet that she wishes we could have been closer just as much as I have.

:: ::

After two months of trying when they tossed their BCP she became pregnant in October last year. Still days away from her expected period she POAS and that day she called everyone to share the news. The same day!!!

I feel like the world as I knew it ended that day. I had been in infertility denial for the previous eight years. I had a feeling something might be wrong but I refused to consider it anything other than just "God's timing". I felt like one day I was a happy wife and in the next I was thrown into an abyss of despair and haven't been able to pull myself out of yet.

Because I have been so emotionally bankrupt, I feel unable to reach out to her at all. I know that this has caused resentment on her part. She feels as if I'm intentionally ignoring her. But, it's not ignoring, it's more like not giving her a great amount of attention out of my own self-preservation. I also think it would be different if we were close, and then I just let it go while this happened. During Christmas, I was unable to sit next to her, to look her in the eye and I barely could converse with her. She definitely has just cause to be unhappy with me. This past weekend when she spoke to Marvy, she said that when I'm pregnant, she's going to ignore me and treat me the same way.

So, I feel like I need to build a bridge. But, what do I say? What do I not say? I know I want to tell her that it's not fair to her that she has to deal with me. That I'd give anything to share in her blissful joy. I want to tell her how much I really do care, and I try my best to show it the best way I can. I plan on telling her how I check in with her through Marvy, that when he calls it's usually because I have asked him to make sure she's okay. I pray for her and her growing new family daily. That I really and truely appreciate all of her prayers for us and that I still wished she lived closer.

But, do I share how grieved and heart broken I feel? Do I tell her that this infertility happens to be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life? Is it fair to tell her that I feel absolutely isolated? That if this were any other life crisis I believe the family would treat it differently? That I morn the fact that pregnancy may never work out for me? That I would rather endure every painful hardship I have ever experienced five times over if only it meant I didn't have to deal with this? Is it right to ask for some support when I'm grasping at straws to muster any in return? Do I confess how much this whole thing occupies my thoughts both concious and otherwise? That I think about her every hour? Would it be unhelpful to offer a small glimpse into what it's like in my shoes? That it's not as easy as just walking into the clinic for an IUI treatment on one particular day in the month. What our future will look like if we turn to IVF in June? That the drugs I'm on now are a cake walk compared to the somewhat drug induced/somewhat situationally induced emotional roller coaster I get to look forward to then? That adoption may not work for us due to the fact that we may be rejected by agencies given my terrible family background that includes sexual abuse?

So tell me internet. Lay it on me - I can take it. Help a sista out. What would you strike from the record? Do you have any helpful phrases you can suggest? Like today in Mel's Barren Advice, she talked about abiding in someone until they have come through their grief. What a great description. Anything else along those lines? Leave a comment with your thoughts, I greatly appreciate your feedback. If you prefer to email me, that is cool too, see my address over to the right.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!