How I Survived the Holiday with Only Minor Scrapes and Bruises

Since I know that some of you "readers" will be asking for the full on play by play with what happened on my Christmas break, I thought I'd put it all together for you and your reading enjoyment. But, just know that this is the good, bad and ugly (ugly being my attitude by the way).

First, I survived. I'm not lying when I say that I escaped with only minor injury. If you could see the bruise on my thigh...it's the ugliest I've ever seen. Second this is long, and I don't expect you to stay till the end. I probably wouldn't, I just needed to get it off my chest, er hardrive...whatever.

Part 1 - The Arrival

So, suffice it to say I was in a constant state of irritation the whole time. It started with Christmas Eve service. PO or the Pregnant One, was not there yet as her arrival was to be around midnight the night before Christmas. We were the only ones in the entire section since we were super early. There were seven of us seated and chatting. A family with two children decide to step all over us, quite rudely pointing out that they have to get to "their" seats. We were in the second row with not a soul around. Couldn't they have just gone around walking past the three empty seats and not stepped on all seven of us? Then they feed their children soda and powered sugar donuts. Right in front of my seat was a large box that housed a monitor and sitting on top were the candles I picked up as we walked in for the candlelight service. The little girl comes all the way over to my side, again stepping in everyone's way and walks off my my candles. Seriously, am I on candid camera or something?

M and I didn't wait up and went to bed knowing that PO and her husband would be arriving after midnight and in the morning it would meet with the inevitable. That next day I got up and came down to breakfast fully dressed with make-up on because dang it I was going to look good at least. PO came down looking fabulous wearing skinny jeans and black tight sweater highlighting all 10 weeks of pregnancy in that belly. The funny thing was that their luggage didn't make it. The not funny thing was that they packed the Christmas gifts in the lost luggage, so we had to postpone our gift exchange until the bags arrived.

I decided I'd go ahead and give the PO a gift that I had put together of some things for her during the pregnancy. Peace offering if you will. I bought a Bel.la Band, a gift baggie of Bell.i brand oils and lotions for pregnancy and the Belly Book. My mom also brought up a baby outfit and PO opened the gifts in front of everyone. This was hard. I had shown M the Belly Book a few days earlier and he was looking through it fighting tears in his eyes. He said, "Why did Dec. 1st have to happen? Man, I wish this was us."

Part 2 - Christmas Dinner

Usually whenever we have a holiday dinner we usually go around the table and tell what we're thankful for that year. It's kinda a Thanksgiving thing but we're never all there for Turkey Day anyway and it just stuck. Thank my living stars that I have a wonderful husband that saw this coming and saved me from this. But, what neither one of us could stop was the Baby Name Game. You know this one...I don't even have to explain it. One of the girl name contenders was one that I really liked. Dude! I pinched M's leg under the table to let him know I was having a hard time and he sweetly rubbed my back until it was over. All I could do was stare at the candles on the table.

After dinner and while most went down for naptime, M and I took our bikes out riding. Boy was I thankful we brought our bikes. I was haulin'. M could hardly keep up with me. He said I should ride angry more often because I was bookin' it.

Part 3 - Introducing CHEWY

That night, and frankly all the rest of the nights I cried myself to sleep. But Christmas dinner was the worst. M and I named it affectionately CHEWY. Stands for Crying Highly Emotional Wifey. What set CHEWY off this time was a discussion after dinner about Santa Claus. M and the PO were recalling the fun they had a children when they believed in Santa Claus. It was cute and stories I've heard a hundred times, but still enjoyed. Then the PO said something along the lines of, "Well, I'll make sure my children don't tell your children the truth about Santa. Because we're not going to do Santa at our house." She went on to say that children will believe anything you tell them because they are innocent and you are their parents. She said that she didn't want to lie to them and ruin it for them. If you are reading this and agree with her point that is fine, that's great for you and your family. But, it made me very sad. No Santa? And we all know what's going to happen one year if all of our children are together. "Ha, Ha you believe in Santa and my parents told me there's no such thing." Anyway, CHEWY didn't like this one bit.

The next morning, I came down again fully dressed and ready to go about 8:20am. I was fixing up my coffee and M and his mom were at the table. Mom said, "By the way you and your sister are going to take your childhood stockings back with you. I have enough Christmas decorations I have to store and it's time for you all to start your own family traditions at your own house."

I was breathing deeply trying to stay calm. Christmas is already hard, so much so in fact that I skipped the decorations at my own house this year. And now I have to take home my dear sweet husband's childhood homemade stocking to start my family tradition but sans family? I was fighting back tears. I asked Mom, "Could you do me a big favor and keep it for now?" she responded, "No. WHY???" All I could do was repeat my plea. Same response, "Why???" this time with a finger pointing in my direction. To that I finally walked out of the kitchen shaking my head snapping off, "Ya know, just nevermind." Arrggghh!

Later that morning, I'm putting on my shoes in my room when I hear, "You guys want to see a picture of your grandbaby?" Oh my freakin' goodness! I slammed the door and decided to wait it out until it was over. But, I could still hear everything. So, I made the bed, repacked the suitcases...still not over. I kept thinking, "Sheesh, she's going to be here for something like 7 days without us here...couldn't she have waited till then?" But, then I told myself that wasn't fair either. Since M was not downstairs when this was going on he had no idea. I had to go find him and I barely got the words out coherently,"Downstairs, Can't do it...Downstairs u/s...picture...Can't do it!"

M went downstairs and asked the PO to put the picture away and she very nicely went right to it.

Part 4 - What shall we do today?

Did you catch the part about me getting up at 8:30 every morning fully dressed and ready to go? Yes, I believe you did. Well, some siblings who shall remain nameless arose after 11 and 12pm the first couple of days we were there. I have noooo problem with that. What I do have a problem with is, "So aren't we going to the coast today?" Well, no in order for us to do that we would have had to leave here around 8am. "So we aren't doing anything today? We're just going to sit around and do nothing? My husband can't do that two days in a row and I promised him a vacation."

So sayeth the person who isn't ready to go until after 1pm I thought. Meanwhile, my husband spent a lot of time and energy into trying to plan things for us to do. Just so happened the coast was going to be the next day. But, it's hard to please everybody and try to do things we can all do and doesn't cost a fortune.

The next day we loaded up the car made a plan to leave the house early and pick up sandwiches for a picnic. On this day I caught a moment alone with M and told him, "Uh, I started my cycle today, (three days early...) so guess CHEWY's making another appearance tonight, Sorry." Oh, of all the lousy timing...

We were going to some walk/hike/bird watching trails and try to rent kayaks or bikes at the coast. The thought was to find trails that would be appropriate for everyone so M found a few options. Since there was much damage from the August hurricane some of the trails were closed. However, the "Trail Closed" signs were simply there as a suggestion and to head off lawsuits? Right? We went down a closed trail, and it felt fun to snub out nose to the suggestion. And then when we got to the point where we really couldn't see the trail anymore, I wanted to turn around. But, we kept going. And got lost. It was only 45 minutes but it felt like 3 hours.

I tripped on a thorny vine and had thorns embedded into my leg. Bloody mess. I fell on my knee and somewhere I acquired a large bruise. An ugly one too. Finally we found the road that led to the park and got ourselves back to civilization.

So, that is the story of how I survived the Holiday with only minor scrapes and bruises. But, let's not forget...I still have my birthday to look forward to some more.

It's Christmas Damnit

One of the truely sad circumstances that come with the infertility territory is becoming someone you don't like or recognize. I have always been a very positive person. Despite major hardships in my life, I've never allowed myself to stay at the table of despair. I may have a time or two, walked up to the table, sat down...and maybe glanced at the menu. However, I was never one to order a five course despair meal nor engorge myself in all the servings.

Lately I just don't recognize myself. By the way, could you pass the pissed off potatoes, the maddening meatballs, and the sourpuss saurkraut?

In my normal state, I've also been very excited about the holidays. I was a deck the haller. M would put the lights up outside, and I would enjoy decorating the tree. I would look forward to it and count down the days until we get to see our family.

But, today is different. Today, is the first year we have no Christmas decorations because I just didn't have the heart to do it. Today everybody knows what I have been able to keep to myself for eight years. I don't want to see anyone that we are traveling to see today. I don't want everyone to have to "account" for my feelings. I don't want the pity. But, I don't think I'll be able to handle hanging around the PO or "The Pregnant One". Scratch that, I dread the thought of seeing her. I just can't knock the feeling in my stomach. I can't name it, label it or fully describe it. But, I hate it. It's not fair to them and certainly not fair to me. I'd like to take it out of my gut and drop kick it.

Good greif...Doesn't it know it's Christmas Damnit?

For Love & Scotch

It was 12/12/1997. My mother and one of her cousins share a birthday. The cousin was having an all out party for his 60th, and invited my family to join in on the festivities. The first thing you should know is that Guatemalans really know how to throw a party. The backyard was gorgeous and looked like it had been converted into a restaurant. There was a DJ and live entertainment. The only problem with these types of family festivities is that since I didn't grow up there I didn't really know anyone. I had never met these people. They might have been family, but they might as well have been strangers. So, as nice as the evening was it didn't take very long to get bored.

M and I were at a table listening to the music and chatting. The next thing you should know about Guatemalans is that they love to drink. In fact when M and I were planning our wedding in Guatemala, we had decided not to include alcohol at the reception. Nothing against drinking but we just didn't have that kind of budget. Well, that did not go over very well with either side of our families. So, as a compromise, they foot the bar tending bill! Which totally worked for us of course.

Anyway, back to the birthday party. At every table was a bottle of Scotch Whiskey and Cokes. This way each guest could make their own drinks if they didn't want to have to go to the bar. M looked at the bottle and thought out loud. "You know that is what I should get my grandfather for Christmas...a bottle of whiskey. He's so hard to shop for." To that I responded, "Why not just take this bottle. It's not like we were going to drink it. Is that really stealing?"

Whether it was stealing or not, I still didn't want to get caught and have to explain my party faux paux to the family I didn't know - and didn't know me. So, I pretended like I accidentally knocked over the bottle and then it accidentally rolled off the table into my awaiting large purse.

As we left the party I passed by the door to the kitchen where the caterers had stacked all of the boxes and bins from the glassware and barware. Low and behold I found the box that the Scotch Whiskey came in. Well, wouldn't it look more like a real gift if it were wrapped in the original box? So I picked it up and pretended like the words on the box were just the most fascinating thing in the world. Then when no one was looking I ran out with it.

The two of us had SO much fun with our thievery that in the end we decided we just had to keep the bottle. By this point we had been dating for 7 months. We had been talking about marriage so early in our dating life that it was a very natural conversation to say we should keep this until our wedding day. So, we wrote a note inside the box cover..."Stolen from Mom's Birthday Party. Do not open till 2001."

We were married 05/19/2001.

The bottle remains unopened.

The fate of our stolen goods has yet to be determined. But, one of these days we'll celebrate, For Love & Scotch.

Testing...Testing...1, 2, 65 million

Today I had my first RE appointment. Ha! They even gave me a button! Here's the official infertility button. I just know your jealous.

It was an interesting process. As they called my name to go in, they asked for the usual things like my licesnse, insurance card, and verifying all my information was correct. But, they also had an attendent similarly to a coat checker where asked me to check my *modesty, *privacy, *embarassment, etc. Then they handed over my pin, and I was "official".

Nurse Peppy was very nice, she laughed with us as we answered her questions as she gathered our history. As we were about to go back to the waiting room, she then mentioned that Dr. K was the only RE in the practice that perferred her patients no wait in the front but rather in the little sitting area in the hall. She always wants to be cognizent of patients waiting on her. Wow, that is nice. I've never had anything like that at Dr. Obgyno's office. Nothing against Dr. Obgyno, but how great is that to actually meet with your doctor as they drink their first sip of coffee for the day and while you still have your pants on?

Dr. K, agreed that everything seemed normal enough that after 8 years of zero, nada, zip birth control, I definitly fit in with the uh, clientele. She decided for starters we can do a monitored ovulation and the SA for hubby. The other nice thing about this office is the onsite work they are able to do. I don't have to go chasing a bunch of different labs, radiology offices, or ultrasound facilities. It's all one stop shopping. In fact we got M's SA back ten minutes later. The good news is after the humiliation of having to go through with that test at least he gets something to brag about. The goal number of sperm per mL is 20 million. That is considered normal. Gracious me... his was 65 million!

As far as my testing goes, there's still more to come with an HSG next month if get a BFN and we're back to CD1. But, they did do an ultrasound. I got the up close and personal look of my uterus and ovaries. We even saw the whole thing in 3D. Pretty neat. Dr. K did think that there may be evidence of endrometriosis on the left ovary, so they're going to keep an eye on that one.

So, we're thankful to have found the right place in this RE practice. Thankful for the doctor and staff. Thankful for insurance coverage. And hoping that just one of those 65 million does it's thing.

I’m just a girl, Not Yet an Infertile

I may not be an official card carrying infertile yet. But, I think I deserve at least a guest membership for now. Hey, the fact that I have an appointment with an RE tomorrow, shouldn’t that at least keep ya’ll from kicking me out of this lonely hearts club? I may put this blog on ice for a while before introducing it to the public until after I get my HSG. I had no qualms about the test based on my doctor’s description but after reading some of these IF blogs, it has me certainly thinking I’ll be sure to get that Infertile Pin as I leave that fertility clinic. One woman described pain worse than twin vaginal childbirth. Whoa.

Meanwhile, I’ll share a little more about my situation.

DH, M and I talked about marriage a month into our dating relationship and kids were a discussion that came very naturally to us quickly. Knowing that we wanted a family we purchased a 4 bedroom home and I for one, pretty much figured that pregnancy would come somewhat closely thereafter. That was eight years ago. As the months went by and no pregnancy I really tried to not get myself down. I married young by today’s working professional standards at 22, so I figured I had plenty of time.

Last year I read “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” cover to cover. Found it completely fascinating. I began to chart (obsessively), taking morning temps (obsessively), and I could have bought stock in OPK’s. I thought I was doing pretty good since I was now “in charge” and all but I noticed that my cycles were running very long. (Normally I’m a 30 day cycle-er…these were running over 45) And, part of me wondered if it was because of all this obsessing. Mand I went on vacation skiing in Breckenridge. I accidentally left my thermometer at home and then charting was outta site, outta mind for a good long while. At my next OB/GYN appt I told my dr that I wanted to start the process of family planning. I asked if I should pick up the practice of charting again and he asked if my luteal phases were long enough. Yes, they were always 12 days. And then he said that was all we’d need from that. Now, onto testing for me and him.

Goodie, that’s one HSG for me and one SA for him. Sounds like a plan. The office sent the orders off to the lab and things were looking good. Then my grandmother became very sick and passed away. I’ll save me feelings on grandmother for another post, but suffice it to say this was very difficult for me. By the time I was able to contact the lab to schedule the HSG on my next CD1 it had been 4 months and the orders expired. Dag nabbit.

M, knows I’m bad at making appointments and keeping up with these things so he was just waiting on the sidelines until “coach” called his number. He was using this inside information to his advantage because he really wanted another year with no kids. (Note to reader- He would have been thrilled if it happened…but if given the choice of kids now or kids next year, he would have taken next year in a heartbeat)

Well, then his sister called with news she’s expecting. Ugh! My heart broke in two! Not so much with anything against my SIL, but I was horribly riddled with resentment over the situation. (also another post) But, the good thing that came from it was M had a change of heart. He wanted kids. And badly. No more bribes, no more “one more year” prayers. He knew how hard it was for me to remember to call doctor’s offices and make appointments etc. He was taking over the operation and was going to be disappointed if that stick was not positive the next month. Wow, didn’t see that coming. But, seriously this was great.

One last thing I’ll mention is that my lovely, dearie friend Jo is also in a similar IF funk. The great thing is that we are really doing everything around the same time. And, now we are going to the same RE facility. I believe having each other to support these ups and downs is going to be such a blessing. Our prayer is that we both get pregnant in 2009. Bring on project “eggplant”.