Welcome June ICLW'ers

Greetings and Welcome to The Life of Liv!

For those of you new here I'd just like to first thank you for stopping by and let you know that my posts are currently dealing with pregnancy. If this is hard for you than I can completely understand. You are more then welcome to go back to the list to find another ICLW'er to read. No hard feelings.

Here's an introduction.

Wednesday my beta was 131 and Friday it was 326. Good enough for me to not have to stop by for a third and go straight to the ultrasound on July 3rd.

My husband is who I refer to as Marvy, short for Mr. Marvelous...because, well because he just is. A perfect example was this last week when he announced to me that I was pregnant in the most beautiful way imaginable. If you'd like to check that out real quick you can read it here. We've been together for 12 years (as of yesterday) and married for 8. We've gone those eight years without bcp's and in a perpetuating state of anticipating children. The last two years being the more hard and heavy TTC years leading up to ART and a third time's a charm IUI.

I'm currently trying to reconcile many things. How and when to tell people. How to avoid questions and raised eyebrows when I opt out of things like hot tubs and alcohol. Is it better to keep it to ourselves than to share the news? How to maintain my identity as an infertile on the other side of a BFP. How is it possible that in one short day pregnancy bumps no longer torture me? How to continue documenting a journal about a dream fulfilled when so many others have not. How to plan for a baby when pregnancy feel so surreal. How to be cautiously optimistic.

It's all pretty heavy.

One of the things that I have decided is that I'm going to enjoy this one day at a time. I normally have a really hard time with this. I become overly concerned about miscarriage. But it occurred to me that if I celebrate this right here and right now then no matter what this child will always know we knew he/she was here. They were daydreamed about, rejoiced for and loved. Even if the worst possible scenario happens in a few weeks - at least we had this time. Others may have known and then we'd have to deal with that horrible scenario with more than just us and our two cats. But that's a few more people to pray for us.

Meanwhile, here's a few other random thoughts going on.

Today, Father's Day, we found ourselves in church and loved every minute of it. Even though he didn't get to stand up and be recognized as "one of the dad's", we still smiled right through it.

We stopped by JCNickels today after church to pick up a couple of skirts. (For me not him silly.) I figured they'd be easier to wear than my slacks that are a little snug from my current progesterone bloat. My cell phone had died so I had to look for my husband the hard way by combing the departments for his cute head. I found the cute head in the children and baby section. I just had a feeling I'd find him there. He walked up to me with a polo style shirt that had a built in "undershirt". Which is how he wears his shirts. Here see... cute head on polo shirt? Okay, well you can't see the undershirt but trust me it's there. But, having him walk up to me with an infant shirt was so darn cute. He also confessed that he was perusing the other baby things. When we got home he said that we had to get drapes for the baby's room and our bedroom. Even though we have blinds, he thought this could help keep out a draft for the baby. Too cute.

I attribute part of our success this cycle to acupuncture. I don't consider this a solution per se. It's kind of hard for one to provide evidence to the one who says, "Oh, yeah? Prove it!" But, I had a uterus lining of of 14.6 at the time of insemination. I've never been over 9 before. And I think that it helped.

I started feeling small waves of slight nausea the night before our beta, and during the afternoon and evening that next day. So far nothing in the morning, which begs the question as to why we call it morning sickness? I haven't had a chance to try preg.gie pops yet but so far Sour Patc.h Kid.s work pretty well. I've gone through more ga.torade than I'd like to admit given the 21 g of carbs in the small bottle. And lots of water.

Giving up caffeine and particularly coffee, has been much easier than I thought it was.

The "girls" have been painful in the worst way since the morning after insemination. (Which was still many hours before my first experience with my friend the frozen progesterone bullet up the whooha) Which I find crazy to actually be a pregnancy symptom. Who knows if it was for reals... But, it's got to be now. I tried going to bed with a sports bra last night and that helped. (One that I bought accidentally last month in a bigger size than I needed which now is a good thing) It also seems worse in the evening than in the morning.

Okay, enough of me now...I'm off to start commenting! Happy ICLW everybody, and thanks again for stopping by!

So Aparently Third Time Can be a Charm & 2nd Beta

A few months back I really struggled with the prospect of another IUI instead of going straight to IVF. But, this decision making chart and writing out this blog post really seemed to help. I learned that by going with a third IUI with injectibles, my odds were between 30-40%. Sure IVF is better, but this was not shabby. Worth giving it a shot with the lesser risk. And at least no matter what happens at least I know that this did work for me.

I say this to give hope not just to me for the future but any one of the thousands of people who have had to walk a mile in these shoes.

My second beta came back so good that they felt there was no need for a third.

Can we all just give this a little hip-hip-hooray? The ultrasound is scheduled for July 3rd. I'll be 6w1d.

And I've all of a sudden become very blog shy. It has taken me yesterday and today just to post my updates. I've been so worried that one might be considering me a gloat.

Infertility is a sorority of sorts that is most painful. It's painful to see others go through such heartbreak and tragedy. I have cried over strangers whom I've never met. But, their story touched me so and I felt as though I have known them for years. I've connected with people that I now wonder if I could ever cope without their friendship. Some of these connections are just as strong or stronger than the ones I have with friends I see in real life.

It's painful to see the person in the same boat cycle after cycle end up right back where we started. We become so invested in these lives of others. I've become so invested in the lives of those in this community. It sounds so trite to say that I feel their pain. But, I do. I do because I've shared it. For eight years I've shared it.

Then when a miracle happens there's even more pain. This time it's an odd mix of happiness, hopefulness, and sadness. Happy that they have finally reached their dream, hopefull that you may not be that far behind and sadness of a reminder that you're not there yet. I've been there. I have followed ladies who get their miracle and I am elated. At the same time I get a little more sad. The positive HPT's, the sonogram photos, the nursery preparation, etc. I just want anyone who feels this way to know that no matter what, I support you. I used to take our mental health for granted and never gave it much thought to have to stamp "Fragile" across it. But, now I understand. If I don't see you for a while, I'll understand. Hopefully one day soon you'll be here to and you'll remember to knock on my bloghouse door and come in for a visit.

Meanwhile, if you are sticking around. God bless you. I need all the help I can get.

Before I started my blog, I read tons of others. Many of them were before I found the Stirrup Queens blogroll so by the time I got to them they had long since been abandoned. It was kind of sad. Like walking into a home with no residents yet evidence of them once living there. I was able to read the walls and learn more about what I may be going through. A map of sorts revealed. And then when I saw that they finally reached the 'X' that marked the spot on this map, their existence vanished. And I hated this.

So, I'm going to try my best to be respectful of the ones that I have inexplicably become separated by a transfer to a boat off the island. I plan on keeping photos off the blog with links. So, for those that want to view them you can but you won't have google reader mini bombs that give you a heart attack. Yet at the same time I want to keep blazing that map for the benefit of anyone who finds me. I also want to document everything for my own benefit and those of my future children. Which may mean I loose people.

Nishkanu had a post once where she covered this topic. She described all of us infertiles being marooned on an island. And how she was able to make a raft that finally let her over the breakers, for the open ocean. Yet she can't help but look back to those on the island. And my comment to her was that I have never felt the need to leave her blog because she has been so worthwhile to continue reading. The posts were more than blurbs of progress. I felt that as she was on that raft yet still cheering us on who were on the beach and throwing out a tow line in the hopes that another makes it. Plus she left all her tools so I would make a sea worthy raft in no time.

May I be talented enough that you find this blog equally worthy.

It's Nifty to Have Fifty

Still feeling shocked about our news, and just as pleasantly surprised to see an amazing 50 comments on our results.

I'm sorry to have made so many cry! But, it was nice to know that there were so many around the world that cared so much that they became just as emotional as I did. It's going to take me forever to get back to everyone one by one. But, I'm giving it a shot.

Poor Marvy. He's dying to tell someone...anyone. At least I have you guys. That's one thing that i didn't really think about. I got the immediate satisfaction of celebrating with people. He on the other hand was just willing the gal behind the counter at Wallymart to ask what all the stuff he was purchasing was for.

Wednesday was such a dream. And I have to tell you guys a few more details about the day. The RE called Marvy around noon and she immediately started out with, "It's great news!". Marvy said that she was so happy for us. Which I found very touching. You would think over the course of a career spanning decades in the field, this kind of thing would be just routine. But, she went out of her way to look out for our results and to call us herself. When I told her that morning that Marvy was in charge of telling me so she'd need to call him, she was tickled and thought it was pretty cute. I told her that I was a ball of nerves and I had so much riding on this one to work because I did not want to have to go to the other clinic on the other side of town for IVF. I told her that after speaking to the financial person, it will cost us $4000. Even the $2000 for participating in their study wouldn't make it worthwhile. If we went with the other office it would be $0 and that is just to hard to pass up. She said she completely understood.

Then when I arrive at work I get a call from a billing manager I've never spoken to before. She said that Dr. K approached her after our meeting to discuss my situation. She said that they all did not want to see me leave for another facility. If it turns out that I need IVF, then they would see to it that everything would be the same as if it was in-network. She said that they is a way to work with the insurance company to arrange for this. Something about gap insurance, especially when there is not another doctor within a particular mile range. And just to confirm with her, I asked, "What if I am within that mile radius". She said that no matter what they would figure that out. She said that I would pay $0. (This is once I've hit my out of pocket max of $4000 - which I had in like April)

Wow. Just wow. It was such a load off of my shoulders. I have loved this RE clinic so much not necessarily because of the doctors but mostly because of the supporting staff. I have had such sweet email exchanges with the scheduler and finance person. They have been doing more than supporting me with there roles, they have been supporting me as a person. Cheering me on and letting me know I was on their prayer list. Such a great, great thing. I can't be more thankful.

So, when Marvy received the news, he immediately began planning for that evening. He went to Wallymart and bought a Father's Day card, a Super Dad gift bag and he even went to the baby section and picked up baby socks and a little outfit. Then after work he went to one of the specialty grocery stores we have in this area and picked up things for our fabulous meal. He was so cute. We are not great cooks. Sadly, I don't get that much more exotic with cooking than spaghetti and italian sausage. So it was so funny for him to go pick out steaks to cook. We don't cook steak, we don't even know how to grill. (Although it's one of our goals to learn this summer) But, he told the person helping him that he had to cook a special meal that night. He asked for help with how to cook the Fillet Mignon. The rest of the items were pre-cooked or grilled and all he had to do was reheat.

And it was fabulous. Fillet Mignon with grilled asparagus, twice baked potatoes, grilled shrimp, Israeli coos coos, guacamole, cucumber salad and sparkling lemonade. Hands down the best meal I've ever had.

Thank you again to everyone for making me feel so special about this positive result. To say I don't deserve it would be to deny the last eight years of waiting, wising, crying and trying. But, to see something so great happen to me when not to others just as deserving makes me feel extremely humble.

A Letter to My Beloved & His Letter to Me

Caution: Tissues necessary, and a post not for the sensitive.

PART I:

My Darling and Keeper of my Heart,

I placed such a burden on you today. These last six months we together have walked towards that skinny pregnancy indicator stick after the time was up, holding hands and then holding each other when we saw just the one lonely test line. This morning as you left for work, you prayed for me. You also prayed for you as you knew you would need it if it meant breaking my heart. I left you with the burden of finding out our fate - alone.

Do you know what this week is? It's our twelve year anniversary of us being together. Twelve years ago today in front of my house in Guatemala, is when you akwardly told me after six months of getting to know each other that you "Liked me More Than a Friend". You know even back then you were the perfect guardian of my heart. You had a well thought out plan to protect our friendship. You were afraid that if you confessed that you knew that I was the one you wanted to marry and jump to there before I was ready that it may destroy the beautiful friendship that developed.

I just thought you weren't very romantic and not that serious. Hence my answer of "Well, I probably shouldn't be dating anyone right now since I'll be leaving for the states in six months."

You know what happened after that. You kissed me the next day and we were dating four days later. So much for not dating anyone that I would then have to leave.

We survived the long distance relationship - Ohio to Guatemala. We wrote letters, expensive phone calls, faxed, and sent emails, thank God for this new thing called EMAIL! I used to have to run to the neighbors' house who had internet connection. It was so hard, but we survived it.

12 years later and you still have been the perfect guardian of my heart. I love you more than words can say. Thank you for bearing that burden for me. And thank you forever for the way in which you told me the result. You were so thoughtful and caring. I couldn't help but cry the moment I saw you.

I love you-

Your Darling Wife,
Liv

PART II:

We decided yesterday that no matter what the result, Marvy would be the one to tell me. And there would be a plan as to how it would be regardless a negative or positive result. While still at work I received a text "Okay, come home and change your clothes for something more comfortable since it's so hot outside. I'll then give you your next instructions."

Once I got home I quickly changed my shoes, happy with my clothing selection. I texted him to let him now I was ready. The text back read, "Go to the backyard". I opened the door but didn't see anything. He was behind the bushy tree...He moved our large picnic table to that corner of the backyard and had a tablecloth and table set for two with a single bud rose centerpiece. He approached me with a gift bag and a card, not saying a word. I opened the card and read outloud,

In the course of human events, it is rare that a man gets to do what I get to do, inform his wife that she is pregnant. However, it is also rare that a man gets to be with someone that he loves so much that sometimes it hurts. I am very lucky indeed.

I owe a debt to you that I can never repay. You see, someday when we think about all the joys and sorrows of being a parent, and how it has transformed our lives and how we would never want to go back to life we had before, you will be the reason for this joy. Because if it was up to me to bear the burden that you have to bear, I would never be able to do it. You have given me the greatest gift of all and for that reason plus many others I will always love you my whole life.

So while it may be one, two or possibly three for YOU my dear will be the mother to a baby. So get ready for a little J, K, E or S because life is about to change for my little Liv. And what about me? I must change too. With the Lord's help, I want to be a great father and great husband to you.

-Marvy

P.S. Here's my show for Mel's Show & Tell. It's our beta result. Now go check out what the rest of the class is celebrating.

May it be a Buggy Beta Day

If you are reading this post fresh off your google reader...than I am right now at the RE's office getting my blood drawn for my beta test.

Which is the irony not lost on anyone else that it's called a beta test? In the world of software development this represents the stage where debugging and fixing of errors takes place. Yet what I'm looking for is this:

A buggy beta result!

Warning: No point in coming back here later today. I probably won't post anything until tomorrow. I'm not going to take the call from the RE's office. Marvy is. He's in charge of telling me. For one thing back when I had no knowledge of what the letters TTC meant, Marvy used to joke about how funny would it be if the GUY was the one to surprise the WIFE with, "Honey you're pregnant!" Which was hysterically recreated in an episode of Sc.rubs when Karla threw away an HPT before the time was up - when it looked negative. Then Turk found it and saw that it was positive, so there was an elaborate surprise to tell her the news.

I don't know how elaborate it's going to get. But, he's planning some sort of reveal tonight. And to not throw off my spidey senses (because they are p-r-e-t-t-y keen - after all I DID figure out Bruce Willis was dead before the big reveal in the Sixth Sense) there's a plan for the BFN too.

I hope, I hope, I hope it's a buggy beta result.

I LOVE YOU INTERNETS!!!! Thank you for sticking with me this whole time! I would not be able to do this without you!

Because Now I've Lost All Modesty

If you are reading this right now in your google readers at precisely the time that I have scheduled this post to appear than this is what is happening right now.

Come on little buddies! You can make it! This is IUI#3, your last rollar coaster ride for the prize guys. After this it's the sterile environment of petri dishes and cold hands of the embryologist. You don't want that! This is way more fun.

Let me introduce you to their fearless leader, Spermicus.

Oh, hey! Where'd your bow tie go? (I tell ya, they can be so hard to dress up for photo op's) But, don't they look spiffy!

That's right they do. Because the first one there get's to go on a date. And with an older woman no less! And my is she one upping D.emi Moore, I mean sheesh she is 30 years old now, and he is like 90 days! Can you still call it robbing the craddle pre-craddle?

And I being their matchmaker, am asking them to NOT be shy. That's right! I am asking you guys to go all the way on your first date! Live it up. Have a great time. There's no getting phone numbers or stopping for flowers or anything like that. Once you have found her you go straight to lover's lane pull up the convertible top and go for it. And that baby's got back! I mean she might not be a 36 - 24 - 36... She's a big round 21, but hey she's a sexy babe!

Think of that silly song from all those years ago.

"You and me baby, ain't nothing but mammals so let's do it like they do on The Discovery Channel".

I have given Spermicus the appropriate map and instructions that if they see this - they are going the right way.

And then once there, he is to direct one of his best troopers to go in.

See that doesn't look too hard right?! You can do it!

As If I've Snorted Espresso Beans

Sometimes my posts are smart, sometimes they are resourceful, occacionally funny (I really try!), and possibly on a really good day - poignent. This post- my friends is not any of these things. To apologize that this is scattered, would be too organized for this post. It's as if I snorted espresso beans or something. Seriously I don't know what's wrong with me tonight. So, suffice it to say that if you make it to the end - you are a TROOPER!

::: :::

I'm so freakin' excited I can hardly stand it. My brain is scattered. I wanted to blog about this hours ago, but we at the last minute hung out with some friends for some great Mexican briskett tacos. Sooo, good. Then they came over and wanted to see some of my really cool old photos that I've scanned. They thought it was great.

Liv- Uh, what are you so excited about?

Oh, yeah sorry. Like I said - scattered. I'm just staying up trying to wait up till midnight. Trying to catch up on blogs (sorry I haven't read a bunch of you's in days!) And trying to get caught up on twitter. Which is such a distracting thing! Oh, hang on...

thelifeofliv@ButifulMess Seether-they do an awesome remake of "Never Gonna Dance Again" it is sooo good. Do you know it?

about 2 hours ago from web in reply to ButifulMess

thelifeofliv@ButifulMess Isn't that song good? Now you can think of me! Never gonna dance again, guilty feet have got no rhythem -The way I danced w/ u!
about 2 hours ago from web in reply to ButifulMess

ButifulMess@thelifeofliv Listening to it right now. I don't have it! But once I bat my long eyelashes to my husband I will have it ;o)
about 2 hours ago from twhirl in reply to thelifeofliv

ButifulMess@thelifeofliv It is a great song and I will think of you when I listen to it. It'll be a good cool down song after running ;o)

about 1 hour ago from twhirl in reply to thelifeofliv

Sweet! ButifulMess is going to think of me anytime she hears "Never going to dance again." the Seether version. It rocks by the way. Here listen for yourself.

See? Isn't it great?

LIV!! What the HECK are you so EXCITED about?!

Oh, that's right! I went to the RE today and met with Dr. K. And guess what?! We wore the exact same colors today. We were catalog twins. Mustard yellow + black/white.

Liv- Hold up! What are you so happy about?

Okay, okay, okay! I get to trigger today! I have to stay up until midnight so that way I can give myself the trigger shot for the IUI on FRIDAY at 12pm. My boss was super-cool and gave me the day off on Friday, so I can relax. AWESOME!!!

You hear that people??? This thing is on LIKE DONKEY KONG!!!

Come On Ovaries

I'm trying to coax my ovaries to behave.

Inspired by "Come On Eileen"

Poor old Livvy Liv
Sounded sad upon the radio, she's hoping for 50 million parts per mililiter.
Our mothers cried and sang along and who'd blame them.
Now you're grown, so grown, now I must say more than ever.
Go Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye and we can sing just like our fathers.


Come on Ovaries, I swear (well I mean)
At this moment you mean everything,
With you in that dress my thoughts I confess verge on dirty

Ah come on Ovaries.

Remember Toora Loora Toora Loo-Rye-Aye Ovaries I'll hum this tune forever.

::: :::

I had bloodwork and sonogram today, the seventh poking and prodding in the last eleven days. My estrogen levels (E2) shot up in the last 24 hours. (From 842-1596) I received the call from Dr. K who said that it is much higher than they'd like to see. She said that my estrogen had been rising nicely - doubling about every two days. But, the results today looked like it doubled in one day. Aparently if this rises too much than it could mean hyperstimulation. No Gon.al-F for me today.

Kind of interesting that the acupuncturist noticed yesterday that my abdomen was a bit swollen. I actually hadn't noticed. Guess the acupuncturist knows their stuff.

The other concern, although this is not one she brought up - I did, is possibly too many follicles growing. I have one big one between 17-18. Then I have THREE on the left around 13-14 in size, with smaller ones behind it. I made a comment that on the black/white sono screen the area looked like mosaic tile. Dr. K said, "Or a cluster of grapes".



Holy Schnikes! I don't want my ovary to look like that!

This IUI could get cancelled quicker than you can say, Jon & Kate Plus 8 need therapy.

In all seriousness. I'm concerned. I was prepared for this IUI to not work if it turned into a BFN. I can handle a negative beta and move on to IVF. I've been doing so well with the positive attitute, but this? A cancellation? Please don't be cancelled, that would totally suck.

Come On Ovaries...Or I'll hum this tune forever...

It's All About the Odds Baby

In my line of work, we spend a lot of time going over the concept of risk versus reward/return. I decided that I would carry this over into infertility and the world of ART. I'd like to take this illustration for the benefit of those in the midst of deciding what step to take or are fretting over the success of the path they choose.

Many of us who are part of the ALI world get caught up in the cases where things did not work out successfully and we immediately think the worst is going to happen to us too. But, there are no absolutes. And many times we just end up being more exposed to those that have had a bumpier journey than those that have had everything work out. You don't really see someone who although may have technically been in the category of infertile have everything work out the first time starting an infertility blog. But, they do exist. For something to have a 50% chance of success that means that with two people one person who succeeds has a rate of 100% whereas the other person is at 0%.

In my case, I have been caught up in the thought that even after 3 IVF attempts (the number I am limited to under my insurance) I will still end up with three BFN's. Why? Because I've seen so many woman who have gone through greater than 3 attempts and with no pregnancy. And I think how things haven't worked out for me so far in the last 8 years of TTC what makes me think this will be different? In addition, I like many others pondered the question of why should I continue with a course like IUI when it has such a limited success rate vs. IVF? I now think I have a few items that may help with this decision making process.

First we will illustrate odds with a little game. The Flip-A-Coin to Make a Baby Game. What I'm going to do is show you what 50% odds look like. This represents the odds in the case of IVF. *Why 50%? Woman less than age 38 have a 45-50% chance of success. What I did was flip a coin 100 times. Which remember has odds of 50/50 as well. If it landed heads it equaled a baby, if it were tails it was no baby. I did this 100 times so that way we had a statistically valid sample. The 100 attempts represents 100 different woman like me who have three shots at IVF.

I broke the 100 participants into 4 groups. Each group ended up with four kinds of results:
First attempt: In Yellow
Second attempt: In Teal
Third attempt: In Pink
No baby after Three: In Grey

Click here to view the full experiment results.

I know there's a major commitment here in reviewing my results but seriously take a look at it. You could take a look at a few things. For one thing you might be thinking..."Man -Group Two - they had a 92% success rate they rocked...-Group Four- had an 84% success rate...they sucked." BUT, if you factor in the first and second shots - Group Four ended up with almost the same number of babies, 19 to Group Two's 20.

If I have just completely lost you then just look at the bottom line to my mad scientifically unscientific skills. Even though any given ONE shot only ever had a 50% chance of a baby...when you factor in three attempts it jumps the odds up to 86%! The highest chance was on the first attempt at 48%!

Which if any one has ever taken a look at the "odds of success" of IVF it is plus or minus a few points, right in line with my experiment. I'm not trying to minimize the difficulty of IVF, or gloss over the ones who ended up with no baby by any means. There were 14 woman out of the 100 who ended up with three BFN's. It was really tough on those 14 woman. What I'm trying to do is help those of us who think we are facing an absolute impossibility to realize that there really were 86 woman for whom it did work. By golly, they do exist! Does this make anybody besides me feel better? I really hope so.

What about if you are like me and have currently undergone two IUI's and you are wondering why continue the course? Or maybe this is all new to you anyway and your not sure what your treatment path should look like. Take a look at this chart. (Seriously, click on the link and look at it)

Decision Making Progress. I found it in a woman's health book (shocking! I know!). It was created by a Houston RE who has this chart on his website.

Okay, I know reading my post required may more commitment than you were prepared for, but hang in there with me a second.

It covers a lot, so let me explain. First, what it shows you is the fecundity rate (READ: Success rate) of: The Normal Fertile Couple, The Subfertile (READ: Infertile) Couple with no treatment, The Subfertile Couple + IUI/Clomid, The Subfertile Couple + IUI/Injectibles, The Subfertile Couple + IVF. Then it lists out their success rate at various month increments. It also covers the commitment level of each step. Monitoring an ovulation cycle is cheap and easy vs. IVF involves anesthesia and surgery. Lastly it covers the medical risk of multiples and medical risk of hyperstimulation requiring hospitalization with each type of scenario.

I'm telling you I love this chart.

Look at the normal fertile couple for a second. Yeah, I know we want to strangle them for their "luck" sometimes...but look - after 12 months they have a 93% chance of becoming pregnant. That's not exactly random luck is it? Or how about after 24 months at 99%? How much closer to an absolute can you get?

Now, let's look at the infertile couple doing nothing but just timed intercourse. Even though their odds of success in any given month is way less than the fertile couple, after 24 months it's 38%. That's not so shabby really. Of course the downside is that it is a lot of time, and in woman's reproductive years that is an eternity.

So, how about the IUI + Clomid couple? After four months they have a 39% chance of success with pretty minor medical cost and risk.

Moving on to IUI + Injectible couple. After four months they have a 67% chance of success. We have increased the risks a bit, but still a pretty healthy shot I would say.

Then there's the IVF couple. 90% by attempt number three.

What I also want you to notice is how much the jumps are with each month increment. As you increase your attempts at doing the say IVF...the incremental increase you are making doesn't increase as much. 1-2% jumped to 60% with the first attempt...that is HUGE. But the jump from attempt 2 to 3... not so much. What you should be asking yourself is, "Is it worth the increased risk for such a small jump in odds?"

Obviously, changing the game around with say donor gametes changes everything too. But, that's an illustration for another day.

I'm sorry for such a cumbersome post for such a trivial concept as odds. I hope this helps you to really understand the risk/reward of the ART treatment you are either considering or are currently undergoing. Good luck to you all!!!

Ah, Frack - It's Almost Time to Call It...

Nurse called.

Beta Negative.

Additional signs begining to point Game Over.

As Hope is driving the car I see her grinning stepping on the gas. I'm waiting for the crash.

For All You Chanters...One More Day?

Thank you for everyone's positive thoughts, well wishes, chants, fingers crossing, leg crossing, eyes crossing...At least it worked for today. Hmmm - am I actually going to make it to my first beta?

Heck at least it detoured for ONE day. Beta scheduled for tomorrow. Very excited. So, excited I might even pee on a stick. To which Marvy offered a twig from a tree in the backyard. "Here ya go...don't know how it will help though"

ATTN: In Real Life "Official Blog Readers" You know who you are. Sorry, to have to do this to you yet again, I'm going to ask you to refrain from reading for a couple of weeks. Either this is going to be ugly and I don't want you to see me like this OR it will be positive and I will want to share with you in person. So, BIG FAVOR - don't read for like two weeks...kay? Then you can come back - I promise.

Being Driven by Hope - Possibly Into a Wall

This is looking a lot like last month...the one that ended in a hard crash and burn. This cycle is the purple and last month is the green.

I feel like I'm at heightened alert because I just heard tires screeching. Every muscle is tense. I'm trying to brace for impact. I'm stuck in this car with a driver named Hope and she's erratic, possibly drunk, and driving like a mad-person. I know some people may see this as an extremely pessimistic and negative viewpoint. I'd rather think about how I'm just being realistic. There's a good chance that tomorrow will end much like it did before. Hope, you're a bloody drunk and I don't know why I got in the car with you.

::

My MIL called on Monday night just to call and check on me. She asked to speak to me - which is a first THIS WHOLE YEAR! We haven't talked much (minus the m/c scare of my SIL 1/3) since Christmas. Well, we chatted mostly about infertility for an hour and a half. It was all because of this RESOLVE article I sent her. She said it took her two days to read it but she thought it was absolutely fantastic. She said she learned a lot from it, and mostly she wants me to know that even though she can't relate because she's never been there, she wants to be there for me.

Marvy at one point spoke up (we were on speakerphone) and gave a good analogy of my emotional state and where he is in all of this. This is what he said,

"I see Liv in this giant hole in the ground with walls that have no footholds. I am at the top looking down, but unable to offer a proper rope or ladder - as they all fall too short. Instead all I can do is stick around and offer an encouraging word. But, then other women end up getting dumped into this hole too, and I see them putting her on their shoulders to help her out. Eventually, one day she will make it as enough people push her up and I will be there to grab her."

Pretty sweet huh?

Please let my temp stay up. Hope, please take it easy I me...I don't want to crash again.

Crossing Fingers!

I'm back from IUI #2. I've been feeling some ovulation cramps all morning, and a bit of crampiness from the procedure. But, all in all not too bad. I'm going to go take a nap before I head over to work. Marvy was so sweet. At first he was just going to drop off his little guys for the spin wash...(Which by the way I always get that song in my head at the thought...You spin me right round baby, Right round like a record baby, Right round, Round Round.) But, instead he decided to stay with me for the procedure. He so didn't have to, but he wanted to be there for me. Very sweet.

This weekend I'm going to write that letter to Marvy's sister, so I'll let you know how that goes.

In the meantime, cross your fingers, toes, and fingers and toes of the people sitting around you for this cycle! Better yet, pray girls! (And guys, for my male lurky loos) The book I'm reading featured a study where they took two groups of women who were going through ART and had people (complete strangers) pray for one half. There was a significant increase in success for the women who were prayed for, EVEN though they had no idea this was happening. Which I've never doubted the power of prayer but still it's kinda cool to see a scientific study back that up.

Thank you all!

Why You Shouldn't Leave Someone Like Me Alone in the Ultrasound Room

Why You Shouldn't Leave Someone Like Me Alone in the Ultrasound Room - I'll get to that in a minute...

I am pretty lucky to have caring people in my life. I have co-workers that care, friends, people from church, bloggy people and most recently my new boss. She has known me indirectly since she was the manager of another team, but she most certainly hadn't any idea as to what's been going on. Since she took over a couple weeks ago and we haven't had a chance to chat yet. I have been planning to tell her what's going on, unlike with my last boss. I can actually picture him coming up to my desk and asking me out loud, "So, how are things going with your treatments?!" or "How's Marvy doing with his *task*?!" He's a nice enough guy, and well intentioned but doesn't always have a great filter. The best he got out of me was, "I have a treatment regimen with my doctor that requires periodic appointments and a lot of follow up".

This week the new boss scheduled a monthly one on one meeting for Thursday, but since I've been having to call her to let her know I've had to go to the doctor so much this last week she asked me to talk with her today. She had asked me yesterday as she was leaving (since I had just let her know about another appointment again today) if everything was "Okay" with me. I had answered her with a "Not really but we can chat on Thursday". She said that she went home yesterday very concerned about me. So, that's why she took me aside today, she just couldn't bear to wait for the rest of the week to know if I really was "Okay".

As we sat down in a room and shut the door, she immediately looked at my now very bruised elbows from the blood draws and her eyes got real big. I immediately told her that I don't have cancer or anything along those lines. I let her know that Marvy (who she knows as she used to be his boss about 8 years ago) and I were having trouble conceiving and that we have been diagnosed with unexplained infertility. My absence has been due to monitoring by an RE and treatments. She immediately understood. Although she admitted that she didn't exactly go through what I'm going through, but that in between the pregnancies with her two boys, she experienced two miscarriages. We talked for a long time. One of the things that she is well known for among my co-workers on the floor is that she really understands the separation of worklife and homelife. She "gets it". She will never question someone for having to leave for a few hours to take care of personal items. I'm very thankful for this new boss, it's just ONE more thing I DON'T need to stress over. Ah, so nice.

I like my RE clinic. They have a touch screen computer at the front check in desk so that way you can either swipe your license or type in your soc to sign in. As soon ask you click the "check in" button you get a confirm with what your appointment is for, who it's with, and at what time alongside your photo. But, they know me so well that when I walk up, they just say, "Hi! I'll check you in." They don't even ask me my name! Man, I wish more medical facilities worked this way. Dr. Obgyno has an archaic website and the front office never gets anything right. I'm going to miss this office and staff when I leave them one day.

After I checked in and received another bruise for blood...

-Oh, trigger time! hang on I'll be right back!

And we're back. Model Nurse (she's tall, skinny, and very modelesque) checked me out and gave me the following plan. Depending on my LH numbers I'll either go in today if there is a surge or I'll fill the Rx for the trigger shot and go in for IUI #2 on Thursday. As you can see from my quick break, my LH numbers came back and they want me to trigger. No problem. She tells me the breakdown of my follicles, two close to maturity and two close behind and then to meet her in the consult room when I'm ready.

So, this girl is now very familiar with this follicle screen on the ultrasound. Alone, after they leave the room, I normally take out a little pad and pen to write the follie sizes. But, then I got BOLD...I had noticed Nurse Peppy yesterday hit a button and she would tear off a print out and take it with her. Hmmm...I wonder if I press this button...I touch it, not yet brave enough to press it. I give it a sec and then go for it...FOUND IT - HA! I got a nice little print out. The only problem was that it was a print out of page 2 and I really wanted page 1. So, how do I go back a page? My heart beat rapidly as I "tested" a couple of options. F2? No. F4? Whoa!!! Not it! It was a word doc looking summary of everything. I hit exit and I was back where I started, I then looked at something on the screen...You think it could be this...? BINGO! I'm on page 1! I hit print and as I tore it off, I coughed at the same time so they couldn't hear me. I am so bad don't ya think?

Here's my contraband. I now know to move the cursor out of the way when I go to print next time, so ignore the cursor. What do you think?! :o) Yeah, they shouldn't trust me...

New Diggs For New Stage

I created this header a week ago. I decided I would hold of on changing it until I knew what the verdict on IUI #1 would be. Well, I sure had it this morning.

First, the temp drop.

Then, well, I don't have to tell you. You can see it on the chart.

What kills me of course is the stupid thing we do when thinking about "timing". If we had been pregnant this cycle it would mean there would have been a possibility of having a little one at Christmas time. There would be enough time for passport, etc.

Last Christmas was such a beat down. One of the things discussed with my sister in law was that they were planning on going to Guatemala for Christmas this year to show off the baby. Marvy and I had been talking (privately) about going to Guatemala for Christmas so the thought of that killed me.

I have been holding on to this idealized image of us both taking babies down to introduce to our family. The family photo with the grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles etc.

I know I'm putting too much pressure on myself about this but, seriously, this opportunity really has a very small window. Marvy's grandfather was very ill 18 months ago, and he's doing much better but you never know. Plus, if my SIL goes down there this year, there's no way she could go down there the next.

Project Family Photo is a gonner.

What FUN Let's Do that AGAIN!

I was so upset and dissapointed with what I'm going to share, I didn't even want to blog about it. I felt like a dummy. In the voice of Ren and Stimpy... "What an eeeediot".

So, let's back up to Thursday. The orders I had from my nurse were to use super expensive OPK's to test for an LH surge at 7 am and 7pm Thursday through Monday. Must use second morning potty trip not the first. Must complete testing by 7:30am to schedule IUI. Which means that I have to get up like at 6am so that way I can make myself pee and then drink some water and a cup of coffee to make myself go again. Thursday night I took the test and it was positive. I swear people...it was positive. Two pink lines that were of the same intensity. I did think it was a tad early on CD14 since I was expecting it around CD16. But, I figured it was the Clo.mid. I read that ovulation should take place about 5-7 days after the last pill. So, I didn't question it.

I called the next morning and scheduled the IUI. Called my boss for the day off.

I went in and the doctor asked me if I had a strong surge. I told her that it was positive and I had a picture if she wanted to see...but she continued with the insemination. Then she did a follicle check. Now, at my Tuesday appointment last week my follicles showed three at the 10-13mm range. I had no idea or reference to what this meant really. That day they measured 13-18. She said I probably didn't surge since they would need to be over 20mm and perhaps even larger. She had me do a blood draw to see. She also mentioned that the follicles only grow about 1 to 1.5mm a day. Well, had I known that before I might have thought twice about it and asked for a blood draw first thing in the morning before the IUI to confirm a surge.

Two hours later Nurse Peppy called and said I did not have a "true surge". The level came back at 11.57. My instructions were to come in Sat and Sun for blood draws to measure the LH. I looked up online and saw that it needed to be at 20. I felt like such a screw up. I wasted a vacation day, not to mention the cost...Our insurance stopped covering IUI's unlimited, there's now a lifetime cap of 6. I felt like that joke where the person got 3 wishes and then totally wasted the first one.

Agghhh.

Saturday, LH dropped to 11. Sunday it dropped even further to 6. I cried myself to sleep again.

Agghhh.

I know what you are thinking...Let it go Liv - You are way overthinking it with your overacheiver self and trying to find some control in a game that never lets you actually hold a turn.

I want you to know that I heard you say that and you're right. I'm gonna let it go.

Since my numbers never indicated a surge, they gave me an Rx for a trigger shot. So, last night I got to give myself a shot for the first time. I felt very accomplished having to do that by the way.
The IUI is now scheduled for Wednesday in the morning, because that was just so much FUN we're going to do it again!

I. U. Ayi, Yai, Yai!

IUI in T minus four hours.

I'm excited, nervous and hopeful. But I'm hoping that I won't feel like a burro if this doesn't work.

I think I've come to terms with the fact that we are going about this conception thing in a manner as romantic as a mexican hat dance. I had always imagined this would have been more of a Mambo number 5 thing.

But, I'm going to try and make the best of it here. I will put on a cute outfit. I'm not going in to the place in baggy sweats (not that there's anything wrong with that). I think I'll wear something red in the honor of upcoming Valentine's Day, sexy undies and matching bra. Oh, and don't forget the accessories!

Here's me being hopeful...let's hope this works!

Escape of The Groundhog

I thought it would be somewhat fitting that my SIL would be finding out the sex of her baby on Groundhog's day. How appropriate is that?

You wait patiently for everyone to take their places, you stare into a little black hole and wait to see what pops out. Or lack thereof.

Is it a girl or is it a boy? Will there be six weeks more winter or will spring come early?

Well, the groundhog took off. That's right. He escaped. He's probably somewhere in The Caribbean sipping on a Mai Tai right now. He thought the heck with this Pennsylvania winter crap, I'm done! Here he is now trying to head south...

My SIL went to her appointment but they doctor didn't set her up with an ultrasound visit, so now she has to wait until her next scheduled appointment at 21 weeks. Good Grief! Doesn't that just seem like an eternity?

Oh, well.

In other news, IUI #1 will probably be taking place in the next couple of days. It would be great if it was over the weekend and I didn't have to take off of work. But, I've got the vacation days so, I'm not worried. I'm also pretty excited I have a new boss. She is great. My last boss was the kind of guy that would steal your vacation time by counting a two hour appointment as a half day of vacation time. Which in my book makes him a full @$$. Not cool with salary workers I tell ya.

Thank you to all you peoples for sticking around, for comment hugs, for prayers, for thinking about me and checking in. And I know I have a few lurkey loo's out there that are reading, they're just not saying anything. HI! I thank you too.

Oh, and Melissa at The Infertility Road to Motherhood, I've driven by many times and tried to leave you a comment but Blogger say "I'm not an approved commentor". If that's your intent, that's cool, I won't be hurt... But, I feel bad that I can't reciprocate some bloggy love.

Bring it...

Much to write about...too little time to write. Gonna have to make this one short.

We are SO getting a second laptop this weekend. Today was rediculous. Waited until 10:30pm just to get the computer back!

Today was my baseline sonogram for IUI #1 with Nurse Peppy. She's so great, she always remembers me even when I see her and I know she doesn't have my chart around.

I have no idea where this IF journey is taking me. I've been so down lately after evidence of new cycle and that doesn't make much sense. I mean it took getting to CD1 to start this first treatment, but it also meant that we absolutely were unable to beat the odds and end up with a BFP on our own.

Here's what Marvy said about this coming month: "I’m very excited about this month because every other month we have been doing the same thing the same way hoping for a different result. But this month... This month we have people."

I hope you all get the H&R.Blo.ck reference there. :o)

So, now I'm set, waiting to finsh out the week and start LH surge. Oh, and I'm armed with a little Clo.mid. Oh, boy...watch out! I wish I had a good way of warning my co-workers.

I've got more I need to get to...this week I'll write about my SIL, a pregnancy news call from a friend, oh and I got SECOND award - this time from Brooke Holy Cow it just rocks...but I've got to turn it in for the night.

BTW -

Sunshine at Desperately Seeking the Stork just found out her IUI #1 is a bust. Please go visit and say a word or two of encouragement.

The Press Your Luck IF Plan

The clinic's office called on Thursday offering to move up my appointment from Tuesday the 13th to Friday the 9th. What luck! I didn't have to wait all weekend wondering what we were going to do.

So, now we have a plan. I shall call it the "Press Your Luck IF Plan".

And here we go... Medicated IUI, no baby, no baby, no baby - STOP. (And please God no Whammy!)

Yup, that pretty much sums it up. Three cycles of IUI and if we are not successful we will discontinue this course and go to plan B. Dr. K met with us and we discussed how generally a young healthy couple with no obvious reasons for infertility had a good reason to start with the least invasive, least costly, natural (although I have to disagree with the medical field assessment of "natural") treatment. She explained that considering the years of trying without success, untreated she thought we probably had about a 1-2% chance of conceiving. Unmedicated IUI would bring us up to about 8-9%. I asked her what she thought of me going ahead with clo.mid and she thought that if we were fine with the risks, she was fine with that route. It would bring up our numbers to about 10-12%.

Which brings me to a quick point about advocacy. I have always trusted my health care providers. You tell me I should do XYZ, I will do those without question. I have also been very intimidated about speaking up. I have since learned from my research and greatly due to good resource websites like Mel's, that we are the ones in control here. As much as I love my RE, and so far she's been great, it's still my plan here. She is a highly educated, highly skilled tour guide to our fertility journey. We're the ones who bought the tickets, she's the one that is going to make sure that we follow a plan/schedule and it's her job to make sure that we get through this trip as unscathed as possible. But, ultimately if we want to divert, go down a different path then the one she initially has laid out we have to speak up. And the only way we will know to speak up is to educate ourselves to the terrain.

Okay, you're safe. Soap box put away for now! Perhaps that's fodder for another post.

My second thought is in regards to why Buster is the image at the top of this post. I have a fear of miscarriage. I know what you're thinking..."Who doesn't?" For some reason, I just think that my road is one that will be tested and rocky. Sometime during this Press Your Luck IF plan, I think I'm going to hit that "Whammy". That might seem overly pessimistic. My mother used to tell me at times I could be too pessimistic. I disagreed, I told her I was just being practical. In hindsight, given the situations we were in at the time, I was right... but who's counting.

When I was 15 years old I witnessed my cousin's devastating miscarriage first hand. She's a bit older, she was in college when I was born and I was the flower girl in her wedding. But, she's the closest to me of all my cousins. I'll never forget the experience. She already had three kids and was expecting the 4th. Her house was always full of kids. I always thought it was funny that you never really have just your own children, you always end up doubling kiddos. Cousins, friends, neighbors...this particular week in her house was no different. My parents were in Guatemala. My father had lost his job a few years prior to this and tried to go on his own for a while, but was just not finding steady work. So, my mom's side of the family (who is a naturalized US citizen but born in Guatemala) gave my dad a job. They were down there visiting, but checking about the job, checking into housing and schools. Meanwhile my brother and I stayed at my cousin's house.

My cousin had a regularly scheduled check up appointment with her mid-wife. I think she was around 16 weeks. She asked all the kids, "Who wants to go with her to the mid-wife to hear the baby's heart beat?" All of the kids were super excited to go. Then she said, "Joey is going to come babysit for anyone who wants to stay home." Well, then everybody wanted to stay because they loved that babysitter so much. So then the plan was for just her and I to visit the mid wife. The next thing I remember I was walking into a Victorian style home with wood floors and high ceilings. We went into the room and the mid-wife started the ultrasound. I sat in the corner just watching not realizing the impact that 15 minutes had already passed... I didn't even know anything was wrong until I heard my cousin sniffling. The mid-wife wiped off the gel on the u/s wand and simply said, "I'm so sorry. I can't find the heart beat."

I was absolutely shocked. My cousin and I cried together in the car. I remember thinking that it was no accident that I was the one to accompany her there and the other children were not. I cried that night, tossed and turned and could hardly sleep. I just couldn't understand how this could happen. It was that experience that educated me to the miracle that is every life. Can you believe the odds for you and I to be here?

Within the first year of our marriage I saw 28 families in our neighborhood get pregnant. (Well, not first hand of course!) But that didn't even include announcements at church or work. I looked up the stats on infertility and at the time it was one in nine. Well, I started doing the math, looked around our neighborhood and thought our chances of getting the stork with a hopeless sense of direction were very high.

In the end I sure hope I'm wrong. But, Buster - you'd better know that if you show up in my life with all of this, I'm going to hunt you down and cut you up!