Marvy and Liv Enjoy Night Out on the Town

The night out was fabulous. We arrived at the Ri.tz C.arlton and enjoyed the cocktail hour. Well, I should say half of us enjoyed the cocktails, the other half enjoyed the h'orderves! We were able to mingle with the nationally recognized orchestra performers of the evening and our company's clients. Assigned to a perfect table facing the stage and dance floor, we sat down to dinner, accompanied by the orchestra's pianist. Oh, it was a heavenly meal. A mixed green, spiced pear and apple salad with candied walnuts - saladly goodness. Melt in your mouth steak, scallops, asparagus and mashed potatoes. Ooey - gooey warm chocolate cake with raspberry sauce and pistachio ice cream. Enough to make one pregnant woman very, very happy.

The performance included not just the nationally recognized orchestra and conductor, but also a Ton.y award winning broadway actress/singer. My did she have an ego. Every song introduced included some convoluted story as to how the song was connected to her. But at least she was very entertaining. The orchestra played a number of pieces that brought out many to the dance floor. Most of the people on the dance floor were in their 50's, 60's, 70's. And most of them danced beautifully. The older gentlemen in their tuxes with white hair dancing with their wives of many years was so cute! And boy can that generation dance! Marvy and I get points for making out there - but man did they dance circles around us.

We had a lovely evening and I wished we could have taken more photos. Unfortunately we left the camera in the car which was valeted, and our camera phones took the worst photos. But, here is a little something. A photo from the lobby.


I loved that dress. I bought it in the spring for a friend's wedding and it was rather big on me, but the style of the dress was so forgiving that it didn't make a difference. Now, I'm thankful I bought the bigger size because it fit perfectly. If I didn't put my hands to the belly, one could not tell I was expecting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This past weekend we went to visit my in-laws. It was my FIL's 60th and my MIL flew in my SIL with her now 9 week old baby as his birthday present. Despite the six hour drive and short time to spend we had a good time. An interesting emotion struck me, one in which I don't even feel my vocabulary includes a proper term for it. It wasn't exactly jealousy or disappointment or sadness but there was something that my infertile heart still had a hard time with. When I walked into the house there were quite a number of items recently purchased by my MIL for the arrival of her new grandbaby. A large play yard and swing were in the living room, baby bottles in a sterilizer in the kitchen, a box of C.ostco diapers and crib with appropriate sundries in our bedroom. The other bedroom occupied by my SIL and baby included a bassinet, and stacks of baby clothes. It was a weird feeling.

For a second I wanted to flee - which is hard to figure out why. Yes, my MIL purchased these things so that way she had them for her daughter and grandchild. But I know she also purchased these things so that way she would have them for all her grandchildren - including our child. It's silly to feel anything other than happy to see my MIL so accommodating for her children and in laws. We arrived late in the evening and pretty much went straight to bed. After seeing the crib in our bedroom I said to Marvy, "Thank the gracious Lord that we're pregnant right now." He asked why and I said because of all the baby stuff. It struck me that it didn't even occur to him.

I guess it just goes to show you that although a BFP is winning the first battle, it's a long way before infertility resolves itself.

More on the visit... (I've got pictures of the baby and she's a cutie pie) and more on going up to see her in Oregon at another time.

Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments. I've been a bad reciprocating commenter but I'll get there very soon...bear with me!

Partie Excludere

in⋅vi⋅ta⋅tion 
–noun
1. the act of inviting.
2. the written or spoken form with which a person is invited.
3. something offered as a suggestion: an invitation to consider a business merger.
4. attraction or incentive; allurement.
5. a provocation: The speech was an invitation to rebellion.

ex⋅clu⋅sion 
–noun
1. an act or instance of excluding.
2. the state of being excluded.
3. Physiology. a keeping apart; blocking of an entrance.

(definitions provided by: http://dictionary.reference.com/)

It seems to me that when one experiences a lack of invitation, it would be reasonable according the web defition at least, to therefore feel excluded. Whether intentional or unintentional one can still be justifiably hurt to learn that they have been excluded.

I have a feeling you all know where I'm going with this.

Through a conversation Marvy had with his mother on Tuesday, (we called for her birthday) I learned that over the weekend she had the most wonderful time at C's (Marvy's sister) baby shower. The other SIL A, (Marvy's little brother's wife) who co-hosted, did such a wonderful job with the baby shower games that she actually had fun.

As my intelligent bloggy homies that you are, I'm sure you figured out that I was never invited or even given the head's up/acknowledgement of said baby shower.

C lives halfway accross the country and an expensive airplane ticket away from our whole family. So, I never presumed that I would even get a shower invite. Marvy's mother is flying up there for the birth and to stay and help a bit. So, she would not have afforded to have flown there for such an occasion. Pretty much same goes for everyone else. However, this shower was a day trip drive away during a three (and in our case four) day weekend. I didn't even know she was going to fly into this particular city in my driving radius, but she needed to clean up the house they are selling and her friends decided it would be perfect timing to throw her a shower. The SIL A, only lives two hours away, so she was able to go. And my MIL decided to fly up to help, so she was able to go.



Now before anyone labels me the overly sensitive angry infertile, (Yes, I know it's not like they came to my city and forgot to invite me) I do realize of course, the circumstances are coincidental. I highly doubt that those involved came to the intentional conclusion that I, being the obvious infertile party pooper that I am, should not be invited. I get that. Frack it. It still hurts, because if it were me, I would have been more thoughtful.

Going to her baby shower would have been difficult and sad for me. Yet, despite how it would have made me feel, I still would have wanted to go. Marvy would have wanted the opportunity to see his sister with a pregnant belly. When she has the baby this summer it's pretty unlikely that we will get the chance to travel up there to see her. For one thing, there's the possibility that we'll be in the middle of an IVF cycle. Second, I don't think I can afford burning up the vacation days, and potentially leaving me with no recovery days to take off. Lastly, it will be cost prohibitive. This would have been the perfect chance for us to go up there during a three day weekend and share in the celebration of this first child in our family. This was the only baby shower that included any family. When you consider who the women are in our immediate family, there are only four. My MIL, SIL C, SIL A, and me. Three of the four were present yet I was not.

After listening to my "complaints" about all of this Marvy thought that perhaps the family should throw her a baby shower and invite the extended family and friends. (Obviously, not by me) He thought he should talk to his mom about that. He said it could even be after the baby is born. I told him he can try, but I know that's not going to work out. There's no reason for my MIL to throw her a shower after she had the chance to go to one. There's no way for my other SIL to afford to travel to my MIL's city and why would she when she co-hosted one. My SIL is not going to be able to afford to fly down to my MIL's city and probably can't justify the headache of traveling with an infant just for a baby shower.

It leaves me extremely dissapointed. At first Marvy was really mad at me for getting upset about it. (We were up till 2am "discussing" it) After all it is only a party and besides considering the fact that her pregnancy has been difficult for you, why would anyone come up with the thought of telling you about it?" He said. Eventually he calmed down and agreed that given the fact that they were a reasonable driving distance away even with no party, given the potential opportunity, it was disappointing.

Which brings me to this point. If you are a friend or family member of a person or couple struggling with infertility, and you are asking yourself, "Should I invite my infertile friend or family member to my baby shower/christening/child event?" Even though it may be difficult, it is still helpful to reach out to that person during events that had the circumstance been different you wouldn't think twice about inviting to. The act of not inviting is only going to make that person feel more excluded and seperated. They may not be able to attend, but at least they were given that choice to make. What would probably make that person feel better is to attach a seperate note to their invitation or maybe a personal phone call. Include something like the following:

"I know that it's events like these that make your struggle more difficult, and I don't want you to feel obligated to attend. I just thought I'd make sure to include you as you are someone I deeply care for."

Now that I have that off my chest, I'm off to start my weekend. Which, oh by the way, includes seeing MIL and SIL A who are traveling to my city for a wedding of a family friend that we are all going to. And how is it my intelligent bloggy homies that we are all going to this event? Oh, that's right, because we were all invited.

I'm Sending Out a Letter...

The letter to my sister in law is going out today. Although I stared at a blank page for a long time, it was actually a bit easier than I thought it would be once I started.

I think I came up with a good stategy about this. I purposely waited until I was in the hopeful stage of this cycle, not during the time that I was crying my eyes out over a BFN. I let out all the bad thoughts via the safety of my blog in the ALI community. (Which again THANK YOU lovely bloggie people for feedback!) I stopped trying to figure out a way to explain all of the hardships I have to endure. I gave myself a goal as to when to have it completed and mailed by. And the letter itself is 75% all about her. Not in a bad way. I spent a lot of time talking about how hard some of her circumstances are and how isolated she may feel. Being 2400 miles away from family, her husband's family not really making this pregnancy a big deal, etc. I apologized for not being there for her as a friend through every milestone. And I ended with this,

You deserve loving attention by all your family including your in-laws (on both sides). You deserve to expand your family and raise a beautiful baby girl. You deserve to be doted on by everyone you know. You deserve to share every exciting detail with all. You deserve people to make this a big deal. You deserve to be a mother. You deserve to make your parents grandparents. I really do feel this way. I wish I had the ability to show you I feel this way besides just words on paper.

The other thing I did, was I'm having Marvy send his mother and sister an article from RESOLVE titled, "Coping with Infertility: How Family and Friends Can Help". It's not an article of Do's and Don'ts, it describes the eight types of loss those suffering from infertility face, and then ends with some simple things to do or at least think about. It's a great article. You're welcome to check it out yourself. I stated in the letter that it was Marvy's idea to share it with her because he thought it gave some insight as to what our life is like right now. And that I hope she finds it informative, and helpful in the manner in which it is intended, not a request for action.

So, there ya go. I think I just earned that Liv 3.0 status I talked about earlier this year. I feel like a big girl now.

Sending out an S.O.S

I've determined that I need to take some steps towards minimizing some of the resentment on both sides of the table with my SIL. I can't bring myself right now to discuss this over the phone, so I'm going to write her a letter instead. I'm opting not to send an email because emails are more difficult to gauge tone and I hope the extra effort of a physical letter helps. I'm wondering you would be willing to help provide some feedback on what to say.

Let me start by providing you a bit of background to understand the situation a little better. (For those that know this story, you have my permission to skip down...but don't leave, because I need some help! See below)

::background::

My SIL had a pregnancy eight years ago that she ended in abortion. This was really difficult when we found out about it, because she told everyone originally that she had a miscarriage and it wasn't until two years ago that she confessed what really happened. Marvy and I, as newlyweds at the time, offered to have her live with us in our house and offered a tremendous amount of support when she was alone and pregnant. Marvy and I even made up our minds about adopting that baby when she was considering that option. (She doesn't know about this conversation though) I forgive her for this, because I know God has forgiven her of this and I try really hard not to think about it. Although I must confess this forgiveness is a daily occurrence as the devil trys to instigate something. I debated sharing this with you guys because I don't want you to think badly of her, but I couldn't reconcile how to gloss over it.

We have never really had a super close connection. I've never picked up the phone to call and just chat. Whenever she calls after the polite "howya doin?" it's always followed up with asking to speak to her brother. We are very different people. In the past the differences always seemed endearing really. She is athletic, runs daily and I do not have an athletic bone in my body. She is super health conscious, and I have no problem indulging in abeit infrequent Mc.Donald's fries and W.endy's F.rosti.e. I shop at A.nne T.aylor Loft, and she shops at Char.lotte Ru.se. There are things that she envies about me and things that I have envied of her. She lives 2500 miles away and we usually are only able to visit every two years or so. We've always had no trouble getting along in person and I bet that she wishes we could have been closer just as much as I have.

:: ::

After two months of trying when they tossed their BCP she became pregnant in October last year. Still days away from her expected period she POAS and that day she called everyone to share the news. The same day!!!

I feel like the world as I knew it ended that day. I had been in infertility denial for the previous eight years. I had a feeling something might be wrong but I refused to consider it anything other than just "God's timing". I felt like one day I was a happy wife and in the next I was thrown into an abyss of despair and haven't been able to pull myself out of yet.

Because I have been so emotionally bankrupt, I feel unable to reach out to her at all. I know that this has caused resentment on her part. She feels as if I'm intentionally ignoring her. But, it's not ignoring, it's more like not giving her a great amount of attention out of my own self-preservation. I also think it would be different if we were close, and then I just let it go while this happened. During Christmas, I was unable to sit next to her, to look her in the eye and I barely could converse with her. She definitely has just cause to be unhappy with me. This past weekend when she spoke to Marvy, she said that when I'm pregnant, she's going to ignore me and treat me the same way.

So, I feel like I need to build a bridge. But, what do I say? What do I not say? I know I want to tell her that it's not fair to her that she has to deal with me. That I'd give anything to share in her blissful joy. I want to tell her how much I really do care, and I try my best to show it the best way I can. I plan on telling her how I check in with her through Marvy, that when he calls it's usually because I have asked him to make sure she's okay. I pray for her and her growing new family daily. That I really and truely appreciate all of her prayers for us and that I still wished she lived closer.

But, do I share how grieved and heart broken I feel? Do I tell her that this infertility happens to be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life? Is it fair to tell her that I feel absolutely isolated? That if this were any other life crisis I believe the family would treat it differently? That I morn the fact that pregnancy may never work out for me? That I would rather endure every painful hardship I have ever experienced five times over if only it meant I didn't have to deal with this? Is it right to ask for some support when I'm grasping at straws to muster any in return? Do I confess how much this whole thing occupies my thoughts both concious and otherwise? That I think about her every hour? Would it be unhelpful to offer a small glimpse into what it's like in my shoes? That it's not as easy as just walking into the clinic for an IUI treatment on one particular day in the month. What our future will look like if we turn to IVF in June? That the drugs I'm on now are a cake walk compared to the somewhat drug induced/somewhat situationally induced emotional roller coaster I get to look forward to then? That adoption may not work for us due to the fact that we may be rejected by agencies given my terrible family background that includes sexual abuse?

So tell me internet. Lay it on me - I can take it. Help a sista out. What would you strike from the record? Do you have any helpful phrases you can suggest? Like today in Mel's Barren Advice, she talked about abiding in someone until they have come through their grief. What a great description. Anything else along those lines? Leave a comment with your thoughts, I greatly appreciate your feedback. If you prefer to email me, that is cool too, see my address over to the right.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

Escape of The Groundhog

I thought it would be somewhat fitting that my SIL would be finding out the sex of her baby on Groundhog's day. How appropriate is that?

You wait patiently for everyone to take their places, you stare into a little black hole and wait to see what pops out. Or lack thereof.

Is it a girl or is it a boy? Will there be six weeks more winter or will spring come early?

Well, the groundhog took off. That's right. He escaped. He's probably somewhere in The Caribbean sipping on a Mai Tai right now. He thought the heck with this Pennsylvania winter crap, I'm done! Here he is now trying to head south...

My SIL went to her appointment but they doctor didn't set her up with an ultrasound visit, so now she has to wait until her next scheduled appointment at 21 weeks. Good Grief! Doesn't that just seem like an eternity?

Oh, well.

In other news, IUI #1 will probably be taking place in the next couple of days. It would be great if it was over the weekend and I didn't have to take off of work. But, I've got the vacation days so, I'm not worried. I'm also pretty excited I have a new boss. She is great. My last boss was the kind of guy that would steal your vacation time by counting a two hour appointment as a half day of vacation time. Which in my book makes him a full @$$. Not cool with salary workers I tell ya.

Thank you to all you peoples for sticking around, for comment hugs, for prayers, for thinking about me and checking in. And I know I have a few lurkey loo's out there that are reading, they're just not saying anything. HI! I thank you too.

Oh, and Melissa at The Infertility Road to Motherhood, I've driven by many times and tried to leave you a comment but Blogger say "I'm not an approved commentor". If that's your intent, that's cool, I won't be hurt... But, I feel bad that I can't reciprocate some bloggy love.

Infertility Sucks Eggs

My husband was best man at his childhood friend's wedding in 2000. It was coming back from that wedding on the plane ride that we decided that we should go ahead and get married the next year. For purposes of blogging let's just call the friends The Rubbles. Betty and Barney Rubble traveled to Guatemala for our wedding and For Barney to return the favor of standing as best man in 2001.

Yesterday, they called to say they are expecting their first child in June. Although I did kinda roll my eyes when I found out they were only off BCP for two months... Funny enough I was very happy and excited at the news. It was a bit of a surprise despite the 9 years of marriage for them, as anytime the topic of children were brought up they both didn't want any part of it maybe even at all.

Poor Marvy was so concerned for me,

Marvy: Soooo... how are your feeling today? Are you able to take a news update?

Liv: Yeah, I think I'm good. Why? What's up? (mind racing trying to figure out what it is) Did your sisterfinoutwhatsheshaving? (last bit came out a bit rushed and without breath!)

Marvy: And what if it is? Would you be okay with that right now?

Liv: Uh, well...I thought I had another week. I was going to blog about it and try to garner support first.

Marvy: Okay well it's not that. Betty and Barney Rubble are expecting.

Liv: Really? Wow, that's cool.

Marvy: So, you're okay with this?

Liv: Yeah, I am. And you know what? It's a good sign. After all they were engaged the year before we were and they got married the year before we did. Maybe that means we're in our upcoming year too.

Marvy and his sister were both childhood friends with Barney Rubble. So, when he spoke to his sister on the phone to share the good news about their childhood friend the first thing out of her mouth was, "So, is Liv okay? Did this news put her over the edge?"

He explained to her that it did not and that it didn't trigger any emotions or CHEWY moments. (Crying Highly Emotional Wifey if you're asking!) Well, as I'm sure you guys can guess what's next. That really hurt her feelings because she thinks it's personal against her that I feel the way I do. She thinks that this is the new status quo of me. "How will she feel when there's an actual baby, are we never going to be able to hang out again?" She asked. Mr. Marvelous did a very good job of trying to help her understand, but we know that's an impossible task.

Ugh. Infertility sucks eggs. No pun intended.

I'm seriously going to have to do something about this. This is the stuff that causes long term issues that just creep up at unsuspecting times. Then everyone's hurt.

to be continued...

Prayer Request **Updated**

Okay I'm scared.

I had my birthday party on Saturday. We had a wonderful time. Dinner and Dancing at a georgous club that overlooks a lake. Live 70's style band had plenty of great reasons to stay on the dance floor. I loved that my friends and family were there and for the first time ever, I had a real birthday party...since normally New Year's is just to hard to coordinate something.

My SIL, the one who I reference as the PO for "pregnant one", was there and she definitely enjoyed herself dancing. She and my MIL left around 12am and the rest of us left about an hour later and went home. About that time my SIL who is just now at 12wks sees that she is bleeding in her hotel room. They went to the emergency room. The u/s showed that the baby is fine, but obviously still a major concern. They didn't get home until 6am.

M and I had no idea until about lunchtime when Mom called. My heart sank. It would be my worst nightmare if she miscarried. And even though I know that if she did miscarry it should not be blamed on dancing, but I don't think I'd ever forget that happened on my birthday. Please help us pray for her. M and I had our weekly baby prayer time and we pretty much dedicated it all to her.

I also thought I would share the letter I wrote to my SIL. She flies back to the Northwest today and will have an appt with her doctor shortly after.

Dearest C,

What you are going through is understandably scary. I can’t imagine the fear you must have felt when you saw that you were bleeding last night. I wish we could take all the fear and concerns away from you and you can travel peacefully. I pray that God will help do that for you.

Please also keep in mind that our womanly bodies are quite amazing. And much more resilient than we think. Your body was built in such a way that your baby is very well protected from the things you do. Sometimes situations like this occur if anything to remind us that it’s time to just take it easy. There are many women who are at the same stage of pregnancy as you before they’ve realized they are even pregnant who miraculously have perfectly healthy babies in the end. As many as one in every three women will experience vaginal bleeding, and although this is a significant event, many cases end up being quite benign.

One of my favorite images of God protecting me through times I thought I’d never survive is Exodus 33.
19 And the LORD said, I will cause all my goodness to pass in front of you, and I will proclaim my name, the LORD, in your presence. I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.
20 But, he said, you cannot see my face, for no-one may see me and live.
21 Then the LORD said, There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock.
22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by.
23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen.
So, when you are fearful, and I know you will be, just try to picture God picking you up and putting you in a safe place where his loving hand will have been right there with you all the way even if you can’t see Him.

Meanwhile remember that you have a whole bunch of people of love and adore you who will be praying for you. We will pray for protection and health of you and the baby. We will pray that God removes the fear that grips you. And we pray that you will not feel alone, but that your family is right with you despite the distance.

With Much Love
Your Sister,
Liv

**Update** C had her doctor's appointment today after flying home. Doctor found that there was a tear where the placenta had implanted in the uterus. He said that it is already healing. Asked her to take it easy but did not put her on bed rest. Thank you for prayers! I'm off to bed now, feeling relieved.
**Updated Update** I got a call from the SIL C last night thanking me for my letter. She just thought it was the best ever. Definitely helped her that day. The really cool part? Just that week before the party and drama - she went to her mom's bible study. This was just the verse they had been studying. How cool is that? I mean who quotes Exodus anyway??? Especially in this situation?