Rounding Corners & Marvy Shops

Feels like so much of this year has been about rounding corners to get to the next thing. Almost to the first RE appointment, almost to the HSG, almost to the IUI's, almost through with 2ww. And it doesn't stop now. Almost to 1st beta, almost to 2nd beta, almost to 1st ultrasound.

At one point does one stop to live in the moment?

I was staring at my blog summary and it said I had 90 posts. I thought to myself how I'm just rounding the corner to 100. But, honestly I'm having a heck of a time getting there lately. Feels like I jumped from 60-90 in no time flat and now getting to 100 sometime soon seems impossible. And why is that the case I wonder?

Is this just a temporary case of blogger's block? Was infertility my only muse? Has it left? Well, certainly not the infertile part. I still feel like an infertile, just one who happens to be experiencing something that she thought was impossible once upon a time.

Could it be contentment? Perhaps. Exhaustion? Maybe.

Interestingly enough I realize that I used to spend most of my time writing out blog posts and commenting on others when Marvy was on the other computer playing his A.xis & Al.lies game. Which if you know nothing about this game just know that it sucks hours from my husband's life. Well, he was only playing that as a way to cope with the infertility stuff. Now, both computers are off and we're just snuggling on the couch watching TV.

But, it still strikes me as odd that one of the happiest things that has ever happened to me leaves me speechless. Or wordless as it might be. Is it because it's still surreal? Very few people know right now. My dearie friend Jo, happened to look at my blog after a long time without reading and found out. But, we can't openly talk about it at work. So, about five couples are aware. None of our family knows yet, but that will change on Friday.

Am I going to feel different after that? Will I accept that this is really happening? Well, at the very least I should have plenty to blog about for you guys after that no?

::: :::

Just a couple of quick stories I'll share of the past week. Over the weekend the temperatures around here were 102 degrees, so we tried to stick to air conditioned locations like the movies and the mall. I asked Marvy if he would want to stop by a store that also sold baby stuff just to peruse and get some ideas. He loved it. He walked up and down every isle. Tested out strollers, made comments on cribs. He got all excited about a duo stroller with the J.eep brand. I just shook my head. "Aren't we getting ahead of ourselves here?"

He became obsessed with those little infant suits. The jacket shirt and tie pieces. He even found a tux. Thought it was the cutest thing. He found a pair of tux pants that must have been separated from the rest of the suit and had a price tag of $1. "Can we get it? It's only a dollar! Look it's so cute!" Uh, can we not wait on baby clothes until we know what's in there?

Then the next day I went to go hang out with a couple of girlfriends and he took off to another store, just to see what they had. I knew that the day we found out we were pregnant he would be excited, but at the same time this still surprises me and I find it completely adorable.

Last night he showed me what he bought online when he was at work:

A must have Denver Broncos Onezie. Yeah, so it's Cutler who much to my disappointment is now in Chicago...but it was only 7 bucks. He couldn't resist. I told him that it wouldn't be until Football Season of the year 2011 before the baby would even be able to wear it. Didn't stop him.

And me? I had mild nausea the first week in the afternoons, but this whole week I haven't really had any. Getting up in the middle of the night more that once, to use the bathroom has started. I thought to myself last night that I will probably not know a night when my head hit the pillow and I never wake up until morning in a long, long time. :o) My tummy is bigger, I look like the size I was before I lost 10 pounds last year. Although I suppose much of that is from the meds. Had to bring out my fat pants. Which seems awfully early for 5 weeks to have to already be making wardrobe concessions.

Tomorrow is 6 weeks and first ultrasound is Friday. Cross your fingers everything's as it should and we get to enjoy a lovely surprising of the parents this weekend.

When Infertility KO's Your Spouse

Marvy's birthday was in May and I asked him what he wanted for his 35th. In all seriousness he said...

I want a baby. I really do.

Apparently since he turned 35, he now *really* wants a baby. This doesn't mean that he didn't want one all along but rather he actually thinks and even daydreams about it. Shows on TV where pregnancy announcements take place now make him sad for a little bit. (Speaking of which...The Office...WTF!!! This used to be my go to show to get away from pregnancy/infertility stuff! UGH!) Where was I? Ah yes... Before he simply wanted it for me or because he looks forward to being a father one day.

But I think there is a difference between wanting to be a father and wishing for a baby when looking at parenthood from the male perspective.

I think recently...I have started to turn towards a better, brighter, less bitter, hopeful and not as depressed attitude. (at least I'm having more of those moments whereas before I had none!!!) Meanwhile Marvy has moved from his previous position of "It will happen when it happens...everything's going to work out...don't worry so much" to mine.

During our vacation, AF showed up the night before we were supposed to go to New Orleans. He was so disappointed. He thought that since it was now his birthday wish that he was going to get it. That somehow The Almighty and the whole universe would change our 1-2% odds, simply because it was now his sincere request and not my biological clock ticking.

Remember how I told you guys that we were visiting a very pregnant Mr. & Mrs. Rubble? Well, they had the baby this past Saturday. We logged onto face.book to view the pics. I saw the photos of mom, dad and baby and I didn't have those nasty butterflies in my stomach. I sincerely enjoyed seeing the photos.

Marvy was in that place that I normally am. You know the one - The "Yes, I'm happy for them...I know their fertility has nothing to do with my infertility...but I'm still so sad/depressed/want to pick up a kitty and snuggle and cry" place. Okay maybe he didn't want to snuggle and cry into a kitty. But it affected him.

And I did catch him with tears in his eyes.

Not right then...but later that day we went to Chip.otle for dinner. We ate our burrito bowls and guacamole outside on the patio and he was very quiet. We started talking about it and all of a sudden I was the motivator and he was the depressed one. "It's going to happen this month Marvy! I really think this IUI is it. And if it's not, then this will happen in just three months. We're almost there!"

It didn't change anything. He was still sad. He expressed his disappointment with our last non-treatment month before having to pull out the big ammo with injectibles and eventually the cannon with IVF. How the prospect of IVF scares the bejeesus out of him. He's anxious about how all the medications will effect me. I told him how it was sad, but at least it wasn't as sad as the heartbreaking BFN after Thanksgiving. He said, "I know, I don't like to think about that one at all. You had all those pregnancy symptoms. I really thought we were going to have a baby this summer." I looked at him and his eyes were red and welling up with tears. I said, "You look like you're about to cry". He lied and said that it was his allergies. Bollocks.

He said that seeing his friend hold his newborn actually gave him the same butterflies in his stomach as I would tell him about whenever I saw something pregnancy/baby related that was hard. For the first time he knew what I was talking about.

That's it!

Now listen here you beeyotch Infertility, (pardon my language) it's one thing to come land on my shoulders and pull that noose around my neck but it's quite another to mess with my spouse. He was perfectly content until now. That was a cheap shot. You should be forewarned, you have now met your match, and you're going down IF...

You're going down.

Being Driven by Hope - Possibly Into a Wall

This is looking a lot like last month...the one that ended in a hard crash and burn. This cycle is the purple and last month is the green.

I feel like I'm at heightened alert because I just heard tires screeching. Every muscle is tense. I'm trying to brace for impact. I'm stuck in this car with a driver named Hope and she's erratic, possibly drunk, and driving like a mad-person. I know some people may see this as an extremely pessimistic and negative viewpoint. I'd rather think about how I'm just being realistic. There's a good chance that tomorrow will end much like it did before. Hope, you're a bloody drunk and I don't know why I got in the car with you.

::

My MIL called on Monday night just to call and check on me. She asked to speak to me - which is a first THIS WHOLE YEAR! We haven't talked much (minus the m/c scare of my SIL 1/3) since Christmas. Well, we chatted mostly about infertility for an hour and a half. It was all because of this RESOLVE article I sent her. She said it took her two days to read it but she thought it was absolutely fantastic. She said she learned a lot from it, and mostly she wants me to know that even though she can't relate because she's never been there, she wants to be there for me.

Marvy at one point spoke up (we were on speakerphone) and gave a good analogy of my emotional state and where he is in all of this. This is what he said,

"I see Liv in this giant hole in the ground with walls that have no footholds. I am at the top looking down, but unable to offer a proper rope or ladder - as they all fall too short. Instead all I can do is stick around and offer an encouraging word. But, then other women end up getting dumped into this hole too, and I see them putting her on their shoulders to help her out. Eventually, one day she will make it as enough people push her up and I will be there to grab her."

Pretty sweet huh?

Please let my temp stay up. Hope, please take it easy I me...I don't want to crash again.