This Blog is Bananas - 100th Post

For a while there I was convinced that my 100th post would have happened sometime in July. Infertility was a muse. One in which I was inspired daily to write, not necessarily about negative things either. Writing after a BFP is challenging. But, one in which I have determined that I'm going to stick to. DANG IT!

So, I believe the occasion calls for a song. Don't you? This is a shout out to all my ALI girls...

(Thank you Gwen Stefani)
All the girls stomp your feet like this

A few times we've been around the IF track
So it's not just gonna happen like that
'Cause we ain't no hollaback girls
We ain't no hollaback girls

BUT Let me hear you say
This blog is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This blog is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This blog is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S
This blog is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!

Thank you to all you lovely, lovely bloggy peeps that I have come to know and love over these last 100 posts. I appreciate you all sticking around and I think you are the stuff that great friendship is made of.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In other news...

I'm just starting to feel the baby move...well I think. I felt little tiny pokes every once in a while but I couldn't tell if they were just weird body stuff happening or the little frijole. A few weekends ago in the early morning I felt more consistent little pokes on my lower left side of my abdomen. And since then I've felt them in the same spot about once or twice a day. Especially after I eat. That would be the baby right? Not my imagination?

I created a website to house information, photos, and videos about the pregnancy and baby. I would love to invite any of my blog readers to view the site. I think it's pretty cute Here's what the front page looks like now...


I have a spot to view belly pics and also ultrasound photos. If you would like to be included in an invitation please send me an email to livsblog1stedition@gmail.com . I will send you the invite with a link and the password. I only ask two things, 1.) that if you visit that you let me know you were there. You will find a guestbook where you can leave a quick message 2.) Know that included in the website is sensitive information such as our names and family members' names. Please be sure to only reference our real names on that website. Here in un-password protected blogland I ask that you stick to Liv & Marvy.

As of tomorrow we will be at 20 weeks. Holy freaking cow. Halfway to 40. Halfway to becoming parents. It has been a dream for so long it's crazy when reality checks hit you. This Friday we will have our ultrasound where there's a good chance we'll know just what kind of baby we'll have. Will we be parents of a daughter or son?

It's an exciting milestone. Everyone always asks if you have a preference. I never respond with, "As long as it's healthy I don't care!". Of course we want the baby to be healthy. We pray daily for a healthy baby. So, I don't try to cop out of the question. The truth is, it flip flops all the time. Some moments I want a boy because I want my children to have an older brother like Marvy. My favorite names we have picked out are for the boys, so it makes that decision easy. Plus a whole bunch of other good things about boys have crossed my mind. Then in the next moment I think about how great would it be to have a girl. I was the oldest child and I'm sure if we had a daughter first they would be like me with maternal instincts at an early age ready to help their parents with her sibling. There are also so many other friends and family that are having girls that it will make it quite fun. I'm very excited for Friday's appointment. Not just to answer the gender question but also to see what the frijole looks like now. I'm hoping that we see a bit more detail and some cute profiles.

I hope you all take me up on my invitation to view the new website, but either way please be sure to come back next week to see what our 20 week ultrasound tells us!

My, Oh My, Oh My...Where Has All the Time Gone?

Forgive me Blogland for I have sinned. It has been 55 days since my last blog...

Not only have I been so absent here that cobwebs have collected, I have been absent in my support for others and for that I feel quite ashamed. A lot has happened in 55 days out there amongst my peeps. While at work in between tasks, I am reading all of your blogs and thinking of you all and praying for you too. Failed cycles, amazing pregnancy anouncements, IVF retrievals/transfers, IUI's, cycle starts and mis-starts, miscarriages, new careers, scary bleedings, twins, amnio's, hospital trips, Down's Syndrome diagnosis, gender determinations, kidney stones, sono pictures, and pregnancy milestones. It's a lot of stuff.

I feel bad that you didn't know I was there. But, I suppose the best thing for me to do is just get back on that horse.

Thank you to everyone who has been checking in, posting messages and letting me know I've been missed. Ya'll put the sun in my sunshine.

So, shall I break down whasa goin' on in the Liv & Marvy household?

I am almost 17 weeks right now, and doing amazingly, wonderfully, fantastically well. I never really had any morning sickness issues or anything along those lines. Back at the begining of the pregnancy I had the tinest bit of stomach unsettledness but nothing that G.atorade couldn't aliviate. I welcomed the start of the second trimester in the middle of August excited for what's to come. I was very proud of myself for only gaining 1 pound since the start of the pregnancy. And Sunday morning I weighed myself and was shocked to see that at 4 months along I'm only up 2 pounds from the start. For the year (after fertility meds etc) I'm up about 5 pounds. Not too shabby.

I haven't had any cravings. Which in many ways I would welcome, just to give me some direction as to what to eat. Marvy and I end up having that same conversation, "What do you want to eat? I dunno what does the pregnant person want to eat?". And I have no idea. But, all of my co-workers tell me that I am the picture of healthy eating (of course they don't see me on the weekends!) They find it very cute and continue to encourage my about-to-be-a-new-mama eating habbits.

I've had a handful of days with really bad headaches (lasting two or three days) that Ty.lenol couldn't do anything about. In desperation I turned to a (regular) cup of coffee which finally did the trick. So as far as bad pregnancy symptoms go, I just about have close to zero complaints.

Please tell me writing that out doesn't jinx myself!

A couple weeks ago I hit the consignment stores and picked up my first of my maternity wardrobe. It felt so weird. It's hard to purchase maternity clothes as 1. an infertile and 2. an infertile that doesn't look pregnant. I kept imagining some military style alarm going off - wha, wha, wha... from the moment I set foot into the store. I even bought everything without trying them on for fear of going up to the desk and getting a look of "What are you thinking?" if I asked for a dressing room. After that first experience, I came home and started trying them on and was surprised at how comfortable the pants were! Since the first experience I've collected a good start of work pieces of mostly pants since I'm still able to wear a lot of my tops and blouses I have. On my 16th week and 1 day I wore my maternity pants (jeans at that) for the first time! It was the most comfortable I had been in a few weeks.

This past Saturday I hosted a baby shower for my friend Jo who is having a girl due next month. It turned out pretty cute. I made peanut butter and jelly cupcakes that were displayed on a 4 tiered cupcake stand that I decorated with lining to match the pink and green theme. I also had a clothes line hung on the stair case with cute baby clothes hanging from clothes pins. I'll have to post some photos once I have them. I'll post more about it another time...but I'll also tell you that I totally over did it that day. After resting for about 20 minutes on the couch after I came home from the shower, I got up for something and I couldn't stand up straight! I had to hold on to everything to make it into the kitchen. I nearly resorted to crawling on my hands and knees I hurt so bad. I came to the realization that I am not 100% in control of this body free to do all the things I used to do without batting an eye.

Saturday was also the first day that my belly felt like a real pregnant belly. It's an indisputable baby bump. It's no longer soft and squishy and looking like I've been hitting the french fries and ice cream a little too often. It feels like it happened overnight. My friends exclaim, "Oh, so cute! We can see the belly now!". They rub the belly and say hello to the baby.

We have continued our Sunday night prayer time and this past weekend I realized that our weekly devotion time is now officially 1 year old. We have been praying specifically, and as a couple for this baby for one year now. Marvy told me yesterday that he prays for the baby all day long. Especially on his drive home from work. Which makes me love him even more. When he comes home he rubs the belly and says hello to the baby. In the mornings he likes to do a little "rub and shake" to the belly. (Goodness...in a different context that last line would be uh..well something to raise the color in my checks! Funny how children change your line of thinking) He'll rub the belly and then shake it ever so gently. It's pretty cute.

I am currently on "Could that be baby movement?" watch. The other night after I settled back into bed from my nightly trip to the bathroom I felt what I thought was a gas bubble...then I kept thinking about it... "Was that a poke?" Could the baby have just done a Sup.erman style move and poked me in the belly button. I have no idea. I'll get these odd feeling sweeping hunger pains and I wonder if it could be the baby...but then I eat something and it goes away so I realize, "Nope! You were just hungry!" So, obviously I can't wait until I can unquestionably feel the baby move.

I've also done a ton of research, reading and window shopping over the course of the last two months. I've started my lists. From things that need to get done before the baby comes, to nursery furniture pieces, reading books on pregnancy, labor, breastfeeding, etc., selecting registry items...to researching and selecting who will be part of my labor support team. This is a topic to expand on in another post, but I have said, "Sayonara" to my OBGYN and "Hello" to a midwife team. I have moved from the plan of laboring at the hospital 10 minutes away to laboring at a hospital about 45 minutes away. This is because of its reputation for supporting mothers with natural birth plans and because of the availability of midwives connected to that hospital. I have selected my doula, who I'm very excited to work with and I have decided on a 12 week Brad.ley class for the labor classes Marvy and I will attend. All three decisions bring good statistical data to support lower intervention necessary labors. So, I'm hoping to be on the favorable side of the statistics come late Feburary/early March.

So, there you have it my lovely bloggy peeps. The happenings of all things us for the moment. Marvy is a huge support for me to stay on top of connecting with my community...asking me every evening if I'm going to get back to blogging. I will be back with more soon I promise!

Absence of Heart; Growth Of Others

Well, it's official today. No more Babe "ies".

Just Babe "y"

Oh, and before I forget, to mention...my SIL just went into labor today. Coincidental I suppose.

Today also happens to be graduation day for me. I got to say my goodbyes and hugs at the RE's office. She gave me her notes and looked it over. Thought it was interesting at least.

"GESTATIONAL SAC

Chorionic Sac A
Sonographic Visualization: Sonographic visualization is adequate.
Sac size: Size of chorionic sac is appropriate for gestational age.
Appearance of sac: Chorionic sac appears normal.
Yolk Sac: A single yolk sac is identified.
Fetal Pole: A single fetal pole is identified.
Fetal pole size: Crown rump length (CRL) is appropriate for gestational age.
Cardiac activity: Fetal heart activity is identified.

Chorionic Sac B
Sonographic Visualization: Sonographic visualization is adequate.
Sac size: Size of chorionic sac is small for gestational age.
Yolk Sac: No yolk sac is identified. A fetal pole is not identified.

The previous week notes on 'B':
Sonographic Visualization: Sonographic visualization is adequate.
Sac size: Size of chorionic sac is small for gestational age.
Appearance of sac: Chorionic sac appears normal.
Yolk Sac: A single yolk sac is identified.
Fetal Pole: A single fetal pole is identified.
Fetal pole size: Crown rump length (CRL) is small for gestational age.
Cardiac activity: Fetal heart activity is identified. "

In the end this data plus the sonogram photos will be the only record that this baby ever existed. Well that plus this blog and the lovely well wishes you all have left.

It's just so strange. I don't know what to call it.

The doctor's notes refer to the whole thing as "vanishing twin". Although this is true. One week there was a heartbeat and in the next there was not. Eventually the baby will completely disappear, so it's hard to argue with that term. I just don't feel right referring to this experience as that. Too medical.

Yet I feel guilty saying it's a loss or a miscarriage although I think that is the technical term for losing a twin at nearly 9 weeks. If that would have been the only baby it most certainly would have been. I'm sure of it. I'm at a loss to call it a loss. Too emotional maybe?

How could I call it a loss when I have so much? After eight years of waiting, we are going to have a baby. How could that possibly compare to parents who abruptly lost that one thing they thought they were going to have to bring them so much joy? Why should I receive even an ounce of sympathy when having a baby is still ahead of me?

But, by doing so am I adding to the notion that it will just vanish?

Perhaps I could just think that when this baby was conceived he/she asked for a bodyguard, someone to be on the lookout and make sure everything's on the up and up. Now that things are as they should the bodyguard is free to leave? No, doesn't seem right either.

I give up. I don't know what to call this experience.

Or maybe I do. I guess it's in the title I wrote at the start of the blog post. The "Absence of Heart; Growth of Others". I think this is true for many reasons. I lost a little piece of my heart when I learned the reality one baby was gone. The baby's heart is now absent. However, the other baby is growing and doing well. And our hearts (all three of us) are growing despite the bandage over the missing pieces.

And that I'm okay with. I'm a momma bird who lost an egg in the nest, but still a momma with a job to do just the same.

We Know Something They Don't Know

Marvy tried to let his sister know a while back (about a month ago) that we might not be able to join the rest of the family to Oregon to see them when she has the baby. She was sad about it. Or perhaps a better description is somewhere between sad and a pout. They also had a conversation about the fact that they'd be going to TX to my in-laws for Christmas. Marvy also tried to warn her that there's a possibility we might not be able to join them for Christmas either. He said that if we weren't pregnant by then it would be too hard. We might just end up on a cruise to the Caribbean instead.

This really got to her to. She said that we may not meet the baby for a whole year and she'd be a different person by then. He tried to explain to her that long term plans are just really hard for us. Plus by Christmas if we weren't pregnant that would mean we would have gone through 3 failed IUI's and possibly 2 failed IVF's to be at that point. That's a lot to bear. Honestly, I'd have to admit that I was the teeniest bit frustrated by her lack of understanding. I just hoped that we would not be in that boat by the time we reached the holidays.

So these last couple weeks everyone's been finalizing the plans to go up to Oregon and Marvy and I have been a big '?'. The latest news was that we were going to go, as long as we were in a position where I didn't have to be tethered to the clinic with monitoring. Then today he told his parents that we went ahead and bought our tickets but with the additional insurance "just in case" we had to cancel. Marvy's parents were genuinely concerned. "Well, is Liv going to be okay, when so much is going to be about the baby?". "Are you sure that's what she wants to do?"

Pretty sweet of my father-in-law to think that. Then my mother-in-law asked if the medications would give me a bloat that would make me look like I was already pregnant. She wanted to make sure that people didn't see me and start to openly speculate and cause further pain to an already sensitive situation.

Gotta love it. Nobody suspects a thing. One of my other SIL's sent an article to my MIL and asked if it would be appropriate to send to me. It featured "supplements" that may help with fertility. My MIL asked Marvy if it would be okay to send he said, "Well she is pretty well 'supplemented' right now. But sure send it over" HA!!!! If they only knew. When Marvy got off the phone he exclaimed, "We know something, they don't know." :o)

When asked about how our cycle went, Marvy's answer was, "Not yet. Maybe next month". Which you have to admit is brilliant. Because you are saying, "No, not yet....[you don't get to know quite yet]....but maybe next month". It does make you feel bad to receive so many words of sympathy and we are essentially leading them astray. But, oh well. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Our plan is to tell parents 4th of July weekend. Then the next weekend we'll drive up to see my brother and tell him and then we will go to Oregon on the 25th where we'll tell the rest of the family then. This is all a little sooner then I wanted, (a bump up of about 2 weeks on the time table) but considering everyone's schedules and how all the main players who we want to tell in person will be in the same city. We've decided to go with it.

Oh, man it's exciting huh?

:::other thoughts:::

My abdomen feels like I've been doing 100 crunches a day. Sometimes I'll roll over in bed or something and stretch something wrong and go "That hurt". Then I've had cramps that are AF like but a little different. Guessing this is that uterine stretching I keep reading about. But just this evening I've been getting really sharp pains on my left hand side. Like someone is taking a safety pin and poking my left ovary area.

Normal? Anything to be concerned over?

I'm going to my acupuncturist tomorrow. It was a long scheduled appointment but I decided to keep it even with the pregnancy. Figured it could be helpful to prevent lower back pain and big time nausea. Anybody else have acu treatments during pregnancy?

Nighty, Night.

Welcome June ICLW'ers

Greetings and Welcome to The Life of Liv!

For those of you new here I'd just like to first thank you for stopping by and let you know that my posts are currently dealing with pregnancy. If this is hard for you than I can completely understand. You are more then welcome to go back to the list to find another ICLW'er to read. No hard feelings.

Here's an introduction.

Wednesday my beta was 131 and Friday it was 326. Good enough for me to not have to stop by for a third and go straight to the ultrasound on July 3rd.

My husband is who I refer to as Marvy, short for Mr. Marvelous...because, well because he just is. A perfect example was this last week when he announced to me that I was pregnant in the most beautiful way imaginable. If you'd like to check that out real quick you can read it here. We've been together for 12 years (as of yesterday) and married for 8. We've gone those eight years without bcp's and in a perpetuating state of anticipating children. The last two years being the more hard and heavy TTC years leading up to ART and a third time's a charm IUI.

I'm currently trying to reconcile many things. How and when to tell people. How to avoid questions and raised eyebrows when I opt out of things like hot tubs and alcohol. Is it better to keep it to ourselves than to share the news? How to maintain my identity as an infertile on the other side of a BFP. How is it possible that in one short day pregnancy bumps no longer torture me? How to continue documenting a journal about a dream fulfilled when so many others have not. How to plan for a baby when pregnancy feel so surreal. How to be cautiously optimistic.

It's all pretty heavy.

One of the things that I have decided is that I'm going to enjoy this one day at a time. I normally have a really hard time with this. I become overly concerned about miscarriage. But it occurred to me that if I celebrate this right here and right now then no matter what this child will always know we knew he/she was here. They were daydreamed about, rejoiced for and loved. Even if the worst possible scenario happens in a few weeks - at least we had this time. Others may have known and then we'd have to deal with that horrible scenario with more than just us and our two cats. But that's a few more people to pray for us.

Meanwhile, here's a few other random thoughts going on.

Today, Father's Day, we found ourselves in church and loved every minute of it. Even though he didn't get to stand up and be recognized as "one of the dad's", we still smiled right through it.

We stopped by JCNickels today after church to pick up a couple of skirts. (For me not him silly.) I figured they'd be easier to wear than my slacks that are a little snug from my current progesterone bloat. My cell phone had died so I had to look for my husband the hard way by combing the departments for his cute head. I found the cute head in the children and baby section. I just had a feeling I'd find him there. He walked up to me with a polo style shirt that had a built in "undershirt". Which is how he wears his shirts. Here see... cute head on polo shirt? Okay, well you can't see the undershirt but trust me it's there. But, having him walk up to me with an infant shirt was so darn cute. He also confessed that he was perusing the other baby things. When we got home he said that we had to get drapes for the baby's room and our bedroom. Even though we have blinds, he thought this could help keep out a draft for the baby. Too cute.

I attribute part of our success this cycle to acupuncture. I don't consider this a solution per se. It's kind of hard for one to provide evidence to the one who says, "Oh, yeah? Prove it!" But, I had a uterus lining of of 14.6 at the time of insemination. I've never been over 9 before. And I think that it helped.

I started feeling small waves of slight nausea the night before our beta, and during the afternoon and evening that next day. So far nothing in the morning, which begs the question as to why we call it morning sickness? I haven't had a chance to try preg.gie pops yet but so far Sour Patc.h Kid.s work pretty well. I've gone through more ga.torade than I'd like to admit given the 21 g of carbs in the small bottle. And lots of water.

Giving up caffeine and particularly coffee, has been much easier than I thought it was.

The "girls" have been painful in the worst way since the morning after insemination. (Which was still many hours before my first experience with my friend the frozen progesterone bullet up the whooha) Which I find crazy to actually be a pregnancy symptom. Who knows if it was for reals... But, it's got to be now. I tried going to bed with a sports bra last night and that helped. (One that I bought accidentally last month in a bigger size than I needed which now is a good thing) It also seems worse in the evening than in the morning.

Okay, enough of me now...I'm off to start commenting! Happy ICLW everybody, and thanks again for stopping by!