Welcome June ICLW'ers

Greetings and Welcome to The Life of Liv!

For those of you new here I'd just like to first thank you for stopping by and let you know that my posts are currently dealing with pregnancy. If this is hard for you than I can completely understand. You are more then welcome to go back to the list to find another ICLW'er to read. No hard feelings.

Here's an introduction.

Wednesday my beta was 131 and Friday it was 326. Good enough for me to not have to stop by for a third and go straight to the ultrasound on July 3rd.

My husband is who I refer to as Marvy, short for Mr. Marvelous...because, well because he just is. A perfect example was this last week when he announced to me that I was pregnant in the most beautiful way imaginable. If you'd like to check that out real quick you can read it here. We've been together for 12 years (as of yesterday) and married for 8. We've gone those eight years without bcp's and in a perpetuating state of anticipating children. The last two years being the more hard and heavy TTC years leading up to ART and a third time's a charm IUI.

I'm currently trying to reconcile many things. How and when to tell people. How to avoid questions and raised eyebrows when I opt out of things like hot tubs and alcohol. Is it better to keep it to ourselves than to share the news? How to maintain my identity as an infertile on the other side of a BFP. How is it possible that in one short day pregnancy bumps no longer torture me? How to continue documenting a journal about a dream fulfilled when so many others have not. How to plan for a baby when pregnancy feel so surreal. How to be cautiously optimistic.

It's all pretty heavy.

One of the things that I have decided is that I'm going to enjoy this one day at a time. I normally have a really hard time with this. I become overly concerned about miscarriage. But it occurred to me that if I celebrate this right here and right now then no matter what this child will always know we knew he/she was here. They were daydreamed about, rejoiced for and loved. Even if the worst possible scenario happens in a few weeks - at least we had this time. Others may have known and then we'd have to deal with that horrible scenario with more than just us and our two cats. But that's a few more people to pray for us.

Meanwhile, here's a few other random thoughts going on.

Today, Father's Day, we found ourselves in church and loved every minute of it. Even though he didn't get to stand up and be recognized as "one of the dad's", we still smiled right through it.

We stopped by JCNickels today after church to pick up a couple of skirts. (For me not him silly.) I figured they'd be easier to wear than my slacks that are a little snug from my current progesterone bloat. My cell phone had died so I had to look for my husband the hard way by combing the departments for his cute head. I found the cute head in the children and baby section. I just had a feeling I'd find him there. He walked up to me with a polo style shirt that had a built in "undershirt". Which is how he wears his shirts. Here see... cute head on polo shirt? Okay, well you can't see the undershirt but trust me it's there. But, having him walk up to me with an infant shirt was so darn cute. He also confessed that he was perusing the other baby things. When we got home he said that we had to get drapes for the baby's room and our bedroom. Even though we have blinds, he thought this could help keep out a draft for the baby. Too cute.

I attribute part of our success this cycle to acupuncture. I don't consider this a solution per se. It's kind of hard for one to provide evidence to the one who says, "Oh, yeah? Prove it!" But, I had a uterus lining of of 14.6 at the time of insemination. I've never been over 9 before. And I think that it helped.

I started feeling small waves of slight nausea the night before our beta, and during the afternoon and evening that next day. So far nothing in the morning, which begs the question as to why we call it morning sickness? I haven't had a chance to try preg.gie pops yet but so far Sour Patc.h Kid.s work pretty well. I've gone through more ga.torade than I'd like to admit given the 21 g of carbs in the small bottle. And lots of water.

Giving up caffeine and particularly coffee, has been much easier than I thought it was.

The "girls" have been painful in the worst way since the morning after insemination. (Which was still many hours before my first experience with my friend the frozen progesterone bullet up the whooha) Which I find crazy to actually be a pregnancy symptom. Who knows if it was for reals... But, it's got to be now. I tried going to bed with a sports bra last night and that helped. (One that I bought accidentally last month in a bigger size than I needed which now is a good thing) It also seems worse in the evening than in the morning.

Okay, enough of me now...I'm off to start commenting! Happy ICLW everybody, and thanks again for stopping by!

So Aparently Third Time Can be a Charm & 2nd Beta

A few months back I really struggled with the prospect of another IUI instead of going straight to IVF. But, this decision making chart and writing out this blog post really seemed to help. I learned that by going with a third IUI with injectibles, my odds were between 30-40%. Sure IVF is better, but this was not shabby. Worth giving it a shot with the lesser risk. And at least no matter what happens at least I know that this did work for me.

I say this to give hope not just to me for the future but any one of the thousands of people who have had to walk a mile in these shoes.

My second beta came back so good that they felt there was no need for a third.

Can we all just give this a little hip-hip-hooray? The ultrasound is scheduled for July 3rd. I'll be 6w1d.

And I've all of a sudden become very blog shy. It has taken me yesterday and today just to post my updates. I've been so worried that one might be considering me a gloat.

Infertility is a sorority of sorts that is most painful. It's painful to see others go through such heartbreak and tragedy. I have cried over strangers whom I've never met. But, their story touched me so and I felt as though I have known them for years. I've connected with people that I now wonder if I could ever cope without their friendship. Some of these connections are just as strong or stronger than the ones I have with friends I see in real life.

It's painful to see the person in the same boat cycle after cycle end up right back where we started. We become so invested in these lives of others. I've become so invested in the lives of those in this community. It sounds so trite to say that I feel their pain. But, I do. I do because I've shared it. For eight years I've shared it.

Then when a miracle happens there's even more pain. This time it's an odd mix of happiness, hopefulness, and sadness. Happy that they have finally reached their dream, hopefull that you may not be that far behind and sadness of a reminder that you're not there yet. I've been there. I have followed ladies who get their miracle and I am elated. At the same time I get a little more sad. The positive HPT's, the sonogram photos, the nursery preparation, etc. I just want anyone who feels this way to know that no matter what, I support you. I used to take our mental health for granted and never gave it much thought to have to stamp "Fragile" across it. But, now I understand. If I don't see you for a while, I'll understand. Hopefully one day soon you'll be here to and you'll remember to knock on my bloghouse door and come in for a visit.

Meanwhile, if you are sticking around. God bless you. I need all the help I can get.

Before I started my blog, I read tons of others. Many of them were before I found the Stirrup Queens blogroll so by the time I got to them they had long since been abandoned. It was kind of sad. Like walking into a home with no residents yet evidence of them once living there. I was able to read the walls and learn more about what I may be going through. A map of sorts revealed. And then when I saw that they finally reached the 'X' that marked the spot on this map, their existence vanished. And I hated this.

So, I'm going to try my best to be respectful of the ones that I have inexplicably become separated by a transfer to a boat off the island. I plan on keeping photos off the blog with links. So, for those that want to view them you can but you won't have google reader mini bombs that give you a heart attack. Yet at the same time I want to keep blazing that map for the benefit of anyone who finds me. I also want to document everything for my own benefit and those of my future children. Which may mean I loose people.

Nishkanu had a post once where she covered this topic. She described all of us infertiles being marooned on an island. And how she was able to make a raft that finally let her over the breakers, for the open ocean. Yet she can't help but look back to those on the island. And my comment to her was that I have never felt the need to leave her blog because she has been so worthwhile to continue reading. The posts were more than blurbs of progress. I felt that as she was on that raft yet still cheering us on who were on the beach and throwing out a tow line in the hopes that another makes it. Plus she left all her tools so I would make a sea worthy raft in no time.

May I be talented enough that you find this blog equally worthy.

A Letter to My Beloved & His Letter to Me

Caution: Tissues necessary, and a post not for the sensitive.

PART I:

My Darling and Keeper of my Heart,

I placed such a burden on you today. These last six months we together have walked towards that skinny pregnancy indicator stick after the time was up, holding hands and then holding each other when we saw just the one lonely test line. This morning as you left for work, you prayed for me. You also prayed for you as you knew you would need it if it meant breaking my heart. I left you with the burden of finding out our fate - alone.

Do you know what this week is? It's our twelve year anniversary of us being together. Twelve years ago today in front of my house in Guatemala, is when you akwardly told me after six months of getting to know each other that you "Liked me More Than a Friend". You know even back then you were the perfect guardian of my heart. You had a well thought out plan to protect our friendship. You were afraid that if you confessed that you knew that I was the one you wanted to marry and jump to there before I was ready that it may destroy the beautiful friendship that developed.

I just thought you weren't very romantic and not that serious. Hence my answer of "Well, I probably shouldn't be dating anyone right now since I'll be leaving for the states in six months."

You know what happened after that. You kissed me the next day and we were dating four days later. So much for not dating anyone that I would then have to leave.

We survived the long distance relationship - Ohio to Guatemala. We wrote letters, expensive phone calls, faxed, and sent emails, thank God for this new thing called EMAIL! I used to have to run to the neighbors' house who had internet connection. It was so hard, but we survived it.

12 years later and you still have been the perfect guardian of my heart. I love you more than words can say. Thank you for bearing that burden for me. And thank you forever for the way in which you told me the result. You were so thoughtful and caring. I couldn't help but cry the moment I saw you.

I love you-

Your Darling Wife,
Liv

PART II:

We decided yesterday that no matter what the result, Marvy would be the one to tell me. And there would be a plan as to how it would be regardless a negative or positive result. While still at work I received a text "Okay, come home and change your clothes for something more comfortable since it's so hot outside. I'll then give you your next instructions."

Once I got home I quickly changed my shoes, happy with my clothing selection. I texted him to let him now I was ready. The text back read, "Go to the backyard". I opened the door but didn't see anything. He was behind the bushy tree...He moved our large picnic table to that corner of the backyard and had a tablecloth and table set for two with a single bud rose centerpiece. He approached me with a gift bag and a card, not saying a word. I opened the card and read outloud,

In the course of human events, it is rare that a man gets to do what I get to do, inform his wife that she is pregnant. However, it is also rare that a man gets to be with someone that he loves so much that sometimes it hurts. I am very lucky indeed.

I owe a debt to you that I can never repay. You see, someday when we think about all the joys and sorrows of being a parent, and how it has transformed our lives and how we would never want to go back to life we had before, you will be the reason for this joy. Because if it was up to me to bear the burden that you have to bear, I would never be able to do it. You have given me the greatest gift of all and for that reason plus many others I will always love you my whole life.

So while it may be one, two or possibly three for YOU my dear will be the mother to a baby. So get ready for a little J, K, E or S because life is about to change for my little Liv. And what about me? I must change too. With the Lord's help, I want to be a great father and great husband to you.

-Marvy

P.S. Here's my show for Mel's Show & Tell. It's our beta result. Now go check out what the rest of the class is celebrating.

May it be a Buggy Beta Day

If you are reading this post fresh off your google reader...than I am right now at the RE's office getting my blood drawn for my beta test.

Which is the irony not lost on anyone else that it's called a beta test? In the world of software development this represents the stage where debugging and fixing of errors takes place. Yet what I'm looking for is this:

A buggy beta result!

Warning: No point in coming back here later today. I probably won't post anything until tomorrow. I'm not going to take the call from the RE's office. Marvy is. He's in charge of telling me. For one thing back when I had no knowledge of what the letters TTC meant, Marvy used to joke about how funny would it be if the GUY was the one to surprise the WIFE with, "Honey you're pregnant!" Which was hysterically recreated in an episode of Sc.rubs when Karla threw away an HPT before the time was up - when it looked negative. Then Turk found it and saw that it was positive, so there was an elaborate surprise to tell her the news.

I don't know how elaborate it's going to get. But, he's planning some sort of reveal tonight. And to not throw off my spidey senses (because they are p-r-e-t-t-y keen - after all I DID figure out Bruce Willis was dead before the big reveal in the Sixth Sense) there's a plan for the BFN too.

I hope, I hope, I hope it's a buggy beta result.

I LOVE YOU INTERNETS!!!! Thank you for sticking with me this whole time! I would not be able to do this without you!

For All You Chanters...One More Day?

Thank you for everyone's positive thoughts, well wishes, chants, fingers crossing, leg crossing, eyes crossing...At least it worked for today. Hmmm - am I actually going to make it to my first beta?

Heck at least it detoured for ONE day. Beta scheduled for tomorrow. Very excited. So, excited I might even pee on a stick. To which Marvy offered a twig from a tree in the backyard. "Here ya go...don't know how it will help though"

ATTN: In Real Life "Official Blog Readers" You know who you are. Sorry, to have to do this to you yet again, I'm going to ask you to refrain from reading for a couple of weeks. Either this is going to be ugly and I don't want you to see me like this OR it will be positive and I will want to share with you in person. So, BIG FAVOR - don't read for like two weeks...kay? Then you can come back - I promise.