I've determined that I need to take some steps towards minimizing some of the resentment on both sides of the table with my SIL. I can't bring myself right now to discuss this over the phone, so I'm going to write her a letter instead. I'm opting not to send an email because emails are more difficult to gauge tone and I hope the extra effort of a physical letter helps. I'm wondering you would be willing to help provide some feedback on what to say.
Let me start by providing you a bit of background to understand the situation a little better. (For those that know this story, you have my permission to skip down...but don't leave, because I need some help! See below)
::background::
My SIL had a pregnancy eight years ago that she ended in abortion. This was really difficult when we found out about it, because she told everyone originally that she had a miscarriage and it wasn't until two years ago that she confessed what really happened. Marvy and I, as newlyweds at the time, offered to have her live with us in our house and offered a tremendous amount of support when she was alone and pregnant. Marvy and I even made up our minds about adopting that baby when she was considering that option. (She doesn't know about this conversation though) I forgive her for this, because I know God has forgiven her of this and I try really hard not to think about it. Although I must confess this forgiveness is a daily occurrence as the devil trys to instigate something. I debated sharing this with you guys because I don't want you to think badly of her, but I couldn't reconcile how to gloss over it.
We have never really had a super close connection. I've never picked up the phone to call and just chat. Whenever she calls after the polite "howya doin?" it's always followed up with asking to speak to her brother. We are very different people. In the past the differences always seemed endearing really. She is athletic, runs daily and I do not have an athletic bone in my body. She is super health conscious, and I have no problem indulging in abeit infrequent Mc.Donald's fries and W.endy's F.rosti.e. I shop at A.nne T.aylor Loft, and she shops at Char.lotte Ru.se. There are things that she envies about me and things that I have envied of her. She lives 2500 miles away and we usually are only able to visit every two years or so. We've always had no trouble getting along in person and I bet that she wishes we could have been closer just as much as I have.
:: ::
After two months of trying when they tossed their BCP she became pregnant in October last year. Still days away from her expected period she POAS and that day she called everyone to share the news. The same day!!!
I feel like the world as I knew it ended that day. I had been in infertility denial for the previous eight years. I had a feeling something might be wrong but I refused to consider it anything other than just "God's timing". I felt like one day I was a happy wife and in the next I was thrown into an abyss of despair and haven't been able to pull myself out of yet.
Because I have been so emotionally bankrupt, I feel unable to reach out to her at all. I know that this has caused resentment on her part. She feels as if I'm intentionally ignoring her. But, it's not ignoring, it's more like not giving her a great amount of attention out of my own self-preservation. I also think it would be different if we were close, and then I just let it go while this happened. During Christmas, I was unable to sit next to her, to look her in the eye and I barely could converse with her. She definitely has just cause to be unhappy with me. This past weekend when she spoke to Marvy, she said that when I'm pregnant, she's going to ignore me and treat me the same way.
So, I feel like I need to build a bridge. But, what do I say? What do I not say? I know I want to tell her that it's not fair to her that she has to deal with me. That I'd give anything to share in her blissful joy. I want to tell her how much I really do care, and I try my best to show it the best way I can. I plan on telling her how I check in with her through Marvy, that when he calls it's usually because I have asked him to make sure she's okay. I pray for her and her growing new family daily. That I really and truely appreciate all of her prayers for us and that I still wished she lived closer.
But, do I share how grieved and heart broken I feel? Do I tell her that this infertility happens to be the worst thing that has ever happened in my life? Is it fair to tell her that I feel absolutely isolated? That if this were any other life crisis I believe the family would treat it differently? That I morn the fact that pregnancy may never work out for me? That I would rather endure every painful hardship I have ever experienced five times over if only it meant I didn't have to deal with this? Is it right to ask for some support when I'm grasping at straws to muster any in return? Do I confess how much this whole thing occupies my thoughts both concious and otherwise? That I think about her every hour? Would it be unhelpful to offer a small glimpse into what it's like in my shoes? That it's not as easy as just walking into the clinic for an IUI treatment on one particular day in the month. What our future will look like if we turn to IVF in June? That the drugs I'm on now are a cake walk compared to the somewhat drug induced/somewhat situationally induced emotional roller coaster I get to look forward to then? That adoption may not work for us due to the fact that we may be rejected by agencies given my terrible family background that includes sexual abuse?
So tell me internet. Lay it on me - I can take it. Help a sista out. What would you strike from the record? Do you have any helpful phrases you can suggest? Like today in Mel's Barren Advice, she talked about abiding in someone until they have come through their grief. What a great description. Anything else along those lines? Leave a comment with your thoughts, I greatly appreciate your feedback. If you prefer to email me, that is cool too, see my address over to the right.
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
I so so wish I had something to contribute. The last time I had a conversation like this (2 months after the ectopic-we had been pregnant at her wedding), so called friend tells me she thinks I resent her for being pregnant and why can't I be happy for her...I obviously didn't say the right things, because we don't talk. As bad as it sounds, people who haven't had to struggle have a hard time understanding why people who are struggling can't be happy for them. Maybe explain that you are truly happy for her, but it makes you sad for you and Marvy that you might not get to that place. Sorry for the essay.
ReplyDeleteHmm. This is a tough one.
ReplyDeleteThe sad fact of infertility is that we have to deal with all kinds of people in our lives having what we don't have. And seeing those who are close to us having what we want is even harder.
The best you can do at this point is to tell her about the burden you carry. We like to presume that the Golden Rule applies- do unto others, etc., but in this instance, your "rule" for treatment of pregnant people is world's away from her "rule" for that same scenario. She's rightfully angry because she doesn't understand why you aren't being kind to her. And you are rightfully angry because you can't understand why she isn't being more delicate with your feelings, or just more understanding of your need for distance.
So, to me, it seems like the problem is that you don't understand each other. And until you've given her the chance to understand you, you have to expect that she's going to continue to be angry. So, yes. Tell her whatever you are comfortable with telling her. I would leave out specifics about how hard your path is, because that just leads to a competitive nature of whose got it worse. Trust me- if you tell her that the drugs you are using to get pregnant make you feel *so much worse* than she does, then you're setting up an argument. Just stick to the emotional facts of the matter. Tell her that you care about her, that you wish her all the best, that you love her and are excited to meet your new niece or nephew, but that your heart feels broken thinking about wanting what she has.
Also, for the love of Pete, do NOT bring up anything about her abortion. I'm not exactly sure what that has to do with this situation, unless it's some sort of character assessment (which, even though I try not to judge someone on their past actions, certainly has been something that has changed my opinion of someone's sincerity as it comes to starting a family. My own best friend had an abortion several years ago, and now she wants to start a family, and I disagreed with her decision years ago, and I disagree with her desire now, but the fact is, that's none of my business. I don't live inside her body, so I can't tell her how to feel about family planning...). But regardless. Her past abortion has nothing to do with this situation right now. It is her cross to bear, and her past to reconcile, not yours.
Anyhow, my point is that there's no need to dredge up all the horrible hardships you'll endure. There's no need to bring up controversy- abortion, family sexual abuse, or any other mitigating factor- because if you do as you say you want to do, to "build a bridge", you don't need to dredge the river first to do that. While those issues are very real emotional things for you, and while they play a role in your feelings about her easy pregnancy, they do NOT play a role in a healthy connection with your SIL.
I mean no rudeness when I say so, but when I read this, I'm reading a LOT of anger. And it's good to purge those feelings. And blogs are FANTASTIC places to do so! And I get that the idea is to share all of the reasons why it is so difficult to deal with a "fertile" in your family, but I sincerely hope that (if you really do want to build a relationship with SIL) when you talk to her about this that you will stick to the pertinent facts, and not on the nuances of the anger that you feel.
Ah. That's just my $ .02... I hope that when you asked for feedback that you really meant it! It always makes me uncomfortable giving advice, but since you asked, I offered. I really do wish you all the best in healing this relationship with your SIL. We only get one family, and as messed up as they can be, if it's possible to fix a relationship, it's always worth it to at least try...
Liv - First let me say...Yes its cause of the hat! You are too cute!
ReplyDeleteOk - this one is hard for me, because although I am not in the situation, I am now mad. BUT, the thing is I agree with Kate about one thing...you are both hurt for different reasons and the only way to fix that is to have an open conversation. You can tell her how you feel and why its been hard for you. You know, she doesnt understand cause she never had to deal with IF, and understand - she may never understand..most fertile people dont. But I think you should also express that you are in fact excited for them and your new niece but that you are sad for yourself and she needs to understand why.
And her saying to your Dh that she was going to ignore you - is just obnoxious and immature. Forgive me, but really?
I think you really need to try and talk and understand both sides and I think you can be as honest as you want.It hurts...and I think you should try and make her see why you felt/feel the way you do. Its nothing against her...But, you also have to see it from her side..because she doesnt understand IF, she just thinks your being unfair to her...
To me, its really about communication....I think this may be something that you could get past...both of you...
What does Marvy say?
Liv:
ReplyDeleteI think that it shows what kind of person you are that you want to face this problem in spite of how painful and confusing it is.
The advice I would give to you is--get by yourself and write her a letter. Don't hold anything back. Say everything you've ever wanted to say but didn't. Write every mean and nasty thought--get it all out. Take as long as you need. Do not send this letter. Wait at least a day and look at what you have written. Write another letter. Repeat above process until you have a letter you can send. Make sure that you show the letter that you think you can send to someone else--someone you can trust.
I think that the key is to get those feelings out. If you try to talk to her or write her without getting those feelings out, they will come out somehow--in your tone or in your eyes or in your words.
This is a hard thing to do because it is hard to face our pain. Peace be with you.
Well, I don't have a ton of wise phrases or owrds for your letter to her, but I do think you should write her and tell her how you feel and what you're dealing with. It sounds as if your relationship is pretty broken already, so I don't think you have much to lose by writing to her. All you can do is tell her how you feel. If she choses to try and understand, great. If not, it's not your fault and at least you tried. Good for you for being the bigger person and reaching out to her!
ReplyDeleteWell one of you wanted to know what I, Mr. Marvelous thought, so I shall tell you. First, I am not so Marvelous, I sometimes get angry and frustrated with my dear Liv because for me it is not an emotional issue. I now want to have children now more then I have ever wanted to have children. I however do not see the connection between my sister being pregnant and us not being pregnant. To me it would be like being sad that your favorite team did not win the Super Bowl and then quitting your job. Why would you do that?
ReplyDeleteWhat makes this harder for Liv is the fact that I approach this whole IF thing as if it were a rubrics cube that needs to be conquered. I think it would be easier if we were both freaked out or if we were both calm. Liv insists that this is not the case; however, I have come to trust nothing that she says when it comes to IF. The day I told her the news about my sister having a girl I asked what I thought was a great question. “Are you okay to hear news about the baby?” When she said yes I believed her, silly man!
I think that writing a letter is a very good thing. I am a huge believer in the Vanilla Ice Approach to problem resolution. What is the Vanilla Ice Approach? Great question, if there is a problem then yo you solve it. Check out my hook while my DJ revolves it (no idea what my hook or my DJ are but that is what you do after you solve the problem). Anywho, I would have to agree with everything that you all said to Liv and agree that there is no way in H E double tooth picks that she brings up the abortion or that she has it harder then a person who is about to push out a six pound watermelon through a grape fruit sized whole. (These are things that she would never have said anyway)
The best thing that you gals can do for each other is to continue to do this. It is hard for me as a logic loving man to understand what it must be like to be one of you people. When I am at work I do not think about what is going on at home. When I am at home I have no idea what is going on at work. My brain only thinks about one thing at a time and there are many times that there is absolutely nothing going on in there (yes, it is true, we are not just lying to you because we do not want to say). It is a little brain vacation.
Liv needs to be able to be around people that think and feel what she does. While I feel bad for her, I do not feel bad like she does. I feel like she has fallen in this big hole and I am at the top looking down. At this point I have no rope, no ladder and no way to get her out. I can yell words of encouragement at her or I can yell words of anger but it will not change the fact that she is there and I am here. You on the other hand are all in the same dark hole she is or at one time were there yourself. My hope and prayer is that all of you through mutual support can find a way out.
I think a letter is a great idea! If I were in your position, I would be honest about my feelings. Tell her why your not able to be as emotionally there as she would like. I wouldn't lay any blame on her, I would just say it like it is. I would also tell her that you do love her and that you do think often of her. Be honest and caring. That's what I would do. I hope it works out for you. I am sending you peace and a lot of happy vibes.
ReplyDeleteI hope things are going well for you.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support on my blog. I really appreciate it.
I nominated you for a little award over on my blog :)
ReplyDelete