Question: What is the most scary item to hit an infertile's mailbox?
Answer: The Baby Shower Invite!!!
pulls out hair and screams "NOOOOOOOOO!"
Last week I received an e.vite to attend a baby shower this Friday for an ex-coworker. (I know, I know, who the heck gives less than 8 business day notice anyways???) But, this co-worker is a very sweet person who has been laid-off since Feburary and has had a difficult time finding a job once the black dress magic was unable to truly hide the pretuding belly. She has a beautiful daughter that luckily she's been able to spend more time with now because of the lack of job situation, but it must still be nerve-wracking. Did I mention she's a lovely person?
Okay here's the dilema. One of the people attending is another ex-coworker, and EX-FRIEND. Yeah, you heard that right. I have an ex-friend. (guess I should explain this one)
Once upon a time this ex-friend or EF, and I used to be very close. She was as single gal living with her uncle and working two 40 hour a week jobs. Yet, she didn't have to. She had no debt, and lots of cash. What she did do was complain a LOT about the fact that she didn't have a boyfriend and for that matter, was never able to "meet" anybody. She never had a boyfriend and never even kissed a guy despite the fact that she was 22. Looking back now, I know that she was jealous of the relationship Marvy and I had as newlyweds. So, there were many nights that I was her personal counselor. We'd stay up till midnight many times talking about her issues. Marvy hated it. He liked her and all but he wanted his wife back too.
Then I got a position at my company that she wanted. Well, she became jealous of that too. One day, totally out of the blue when I was trying to be nice and say 'Hello' to her she tells me to "Fcuk Off". This was totally unprompted I did nothing. This combined with a bunch of other stuff that I will not go into and I had it. I cut her off. We stopped talking and if we passed by each other in the hallway neither one of us said a word.
Okay here's the dilema. One of the people attending is another ex-coworker, and EX-FRIEND. Yeah, you heard that right. I have an ex-friend. (guess I should explain this one)
Once upon a time this ex-friend or EF, and I used to be very close. She was as single gal living with her uncle and working two 40 hour a week jobs. Yet, she didn't have to. She had no debt, and lots of cash. What she did do was complain a LOT about the fact that she didn't have a boyfriend and for that matter, was never able to "meet" anybody. She never had a boyfriend and never even kissed a guy despite the fact that she was 22. Looking back now, I know that she was jealous of the relationship Marvy and I had as newlyweds. So, there were many nights that I was her personal counselor. We'd stay up till midnight many times talking about her issues. Marvy hated it. He liked her and all but he wanted his wife back too.
Then I got a position at my company that she wanted. Well, she became jealous of that too. One day, totally out of the blue when I was trying to be nice and say 'Hello' to her she tells me to "Fcuk Off". This was totally unprompted I did nothing. This combined with a bunch of other stuff that I will not go into and I had it. I cut her off. We stopped talking and if we passed by each other in the hallway neither one of us said a word.
Eventually, I cooled off enough to be cordial with her - but she remained aloof - not even returning my 'Hello's' as we passed each other in the hallway. Years later we went into different departments and rarely crossed paths. Until she dated and married a co-worker of mine. The status quo of cold-sholder remained. And truthfully I was thankful. Because this person exhausted me and never reciprocated the sacraficing support I gave her. Marvy was thrilled that the friendship was cut off because he had his wife back.
So back when we were both 22/23, I was happily married [STILL AM! Love ya Marvy] and she had never even had her first kiss. Fast forward to when we were both 28 and she marries and shortly after has a baby. Congratulations. 28 year old Liv whas still in infertility denial anyway, so it didn't matter. Fast foward two more years to now, and she's pregnant with twins! Twins!
So back when we were both 22/23, I was happily married [STILL AM! Love ya Marvy] and she had never even had her first kiss. Fast forward to when we were both 28 and she marries and shortly after has a baby. Congratulations. 28 year old Liv whas still in infertility denial anyway, so it didn't matter. Fast foward two more years to now, and she's pregnant with twins! Twins!
How the hell did I get lapped by someone who never even had their first kiss by 22, THREE times over?
I think you know where I'm going with this now too. She's going to be at the baby shower. Lovely thing about e.vite ain't it? I know it's shameless to watch out for the other RSVP's before you give yours but 'eh, the benefits of the 21st century. I already signed up as a 'Yes' before she did, but I checked last week and there she was.
And now I don't know what to do. It's one thing to go to a baby shower when you know it's going to break your heart. It's quite another when you think it has the potential of being about as comfortable as a root canal sans pain meds. Plus - it's at a resturant that I don't particularlly care for where we all have to pay our own way. (Not cool right? What is up with these people and shower etiquette?) My bestfriend at work, aka my dearie friend Jo, aka foster momma to my kitties will be there. So, that's a plus. But, there will be at least as far as I know at 3 protruding bellies. Can I handle that? I have a hard enough time as it is (although I'm much better) with Jo's. And I LOVE her.
I think if I go I might have a breaking point where I exclaim,
I think you know where I'm going with this now too. She's going to be at the baby shower. Lovely thing about e.vite ain't it? I know it's shameless to watch out for the other RSVP's before you give yours but 'eh, the benefits of the 21st century. I already signed up as a 'Yes' before she did, but I checked last week and there she was.
And now I don't know what to do. It's one thing to go to a baby shower when you know it's going to break your heart. It's quite another when you think it has the potential of being about as comfortable as a root canal sans pain meds. Plus - it's at a resturant that I don't particularlly care for where we all have to pay our own way. (Not cool right? What is up with these people and shower etiquette?) My bestfriend at work, aka my dearie friend Jo, aka foster momma to my kitties will be there. So, that's a plus. But, there will be at least as far as I know at 3 protruding bellies. Can I handle that? I have a hard enough time as it is (although I'm much better) with Jo's. And I LOVE her.
I think if I go I might have a breaking point where I exclaim,
"I'M AN INFERTILE, GET ME OUT OF HERE."
Ugh...that has the potential for all kinds of ugliness. Is this ex-coworker someone you could explain the dilemma to or do you not want to get into that?
ReplyDeleteWell my instinct is to RUN. I have sworn never to go to another baby shower. And I won't unless some day I have a daughter and SHE has a baby shower. Otherwise, NO FREAKING WAY. I don't care who it is.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am sure that girl has NOT changed and will likely be jealous of something else about you. I suggest if you go that you get your hairs done, and a new outfit with shoes and purse.
Holy crap! I would NOT go. I'm very negative about these types of things though.
ReplyDeleteIf you feel strongly about being there for your ex-coworker then I wish you all the luck and patience in the world (and I'll hope that EF won't be able to go after all haha)!
However, you could still send your support for your ex-coworker with a card or email or gift. If it were me, I'd be just as happy with acknowledgement of any kind from people. Baby showers are definitely not everyone's cup of tea (not just IFers).
UHG! What a sticky situation. I would probably not go, and I'm the QUEEN of second, third and fourth chances. It just seems like EF would make you miserable on top of all the bellies and the crappy etiquette. Maybe just send a card or something? Good luck, hon!
ReplyDeleteThinking about ya!
*HUGS*
I wouldn't go. I'd send a gift and a lovely note saying how happy I am for her--maybe with an excuse for my absence, though probably not since I don't think it's really anyone's business--and I wouldn't give it another thought.
ReplyDeleteUgh. I'm another queen of avoidance and denial, so I'd probably skip out and send a nice card and possibly a gift (if you're close to/fond of your pregnant ex-coworker). The chance of having to hear about ex-friend's bundles of joy would be too much, when she sounds like a fairly ugly person! Blech.
ReplyDeleteLMAO - Oh Liv, your first paragraphs made me pig-snort-laugh. Glad I was alone when I read it. When I got to the line that said you had an EX-FRIEND, I said "No way. Liv is too awesome with her Donkey Kong self. This person must be some fracked up mental case."
ReplyDeleteI totally think that Bill Shakespeare had the same problem:
=================================
To shower, or not to shower
that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
the lame party and TGIMcFunsters crappy food at a cost of outrageous fortune
Or to take margaritas against a sea of swollen bellies,
And by blurring vision, ignore them?
=================================
All kidding aside, here's how I see attending baby showers. Is the shower lady a friend or an acquaintance? How happy are you for her? A little, a lot? I consider the shower person first and the other circumstances second. If YOU were having a shower, or Sprogblogger or MeKate (I would be tempted with Clare, but Marrakesh is really far away) I would hop my a$$ on a plane and be there with bells on.
You're analytical like I am (that must be our shared half-brain part) so I'll break it down sistah:
=== SHOWER DECISION FLOWCHART ===
Is shower person good friend -> NO -> Do not attend shower, send appropriate boring and practical baby registry gift via internet. Make following excuse on e-vite: "SQEEEEE! Marvy has surprised me with a romantic weekend get-away trip to wine country for a tasting adventure. I have the perfect cinch-wasted summer dress and 4" heels that would go perfect together!"
Is shower person good friend -> YES -> Ignore stupid EF*, and go. Make sure hair, makeup, mani, pedi are stunning. Wear super-duper sexy high heels, outfit that accentuates your tiny waist and great figure. Order appropriate margarita(s) or daqueri(s).
EF sounds like a negative, jealous and spiteful person. Those people almost never change. Ignore her. Don't be "Nice Liv" and try to say hello.
*If EF knows anything about your IF problems, then skip the party no matter what.
=== END FLOWCHART ===
Hi Liv,
ReplyDeleteIf the showeree is not a super good friend, I think the: (nice card/gift + vague excuse for absence) is a good option. Don't feel bad about politely skipping something if going will make you miserable. Hang in there.
Jen
Good luck with this one! I think I personally would skip because the awkwardness of the interaction would negate any change of enjoyment. And it doesn't sound like you are overly close with the mom-to-be. Just my thoughts - good luck again.
ReplyDelete-Hope in Virginia (http://hopeinvirginia.blogspot.com/)
Heres the plan...Whens the shower?
ReplyDeleteIf your pregnant going wont matter cause inside youll know your pregnant and if your not, something came up and you cant go...you can always change your status on the evite!
I'd skip it. I have lots of co-workers showers who I have bailed on. I'd only go if it was a good friend of mine. Your EF sounds very childish. I call people like these "black holes". They want all this support, but they never recipocate!
ReplyDeleteI'm going to have to jump on the bandwagon and say I probably wouldn't go either. That just sounds like a receipe for spending the next day in bed with a quart of Ben and Jerry's. Don't feel bad about not going, if they are a good friend, they will understand. This sounds like a time for self-preservation of your heart and sanity. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAs, it appears, all the prior commenters, I believe that baby showers are totally optional-only events. Only you can know how the pain to you vs. pleasure for your friend equation balances out. Sending a gift/card instead is TOTALLY OK.
ReplyDeleteHaving said that I personally would not let EF get in the way of what I wanted to do. It's a restaurant, that means fixed seating arrangement and you have an opportunity to sit as far away from her as is possible. But again that is what *I* would do not what *you* should do.
In a pretty irrelevant anecdote your story reminded me of, I once had very very good friends who were leaving town. I hosted their going-away party. At the time I had a somewhat psycho (in my opinion - I suppose he thought the same of me) ex-boyfriend (EB) who had met the very very good friends through me and had known them 2 or 3 months. The EB actually called me beforehand and asked me to leave my own party for an hour or two since it was unfair that he could not come to the party since I was there. After all, they were his friends too. I told him to either suck it up and come even though I was there or to get lost. Sheesh!!!
I'd take the money you would have spent on the "self paid" dinner and buy yourself a new purse or a mini massage. I'm not a big fan of baby showers in the first place (unless of course it will be mine one day) so I would just get a gift card and leave it at that.
ReplyDeleteAs for the ex-friend. Wow, just wow. I too can't believe someone can be that negative. And wind up with the luck in the end. Which is probably still not good enough for her and will never be. Why have to deal with that negative energy?
Evite is wonderful. You can always keep checking who will be there....