Absence of Heart; Growth Of Others

Well, it's official today. No more Babe "ies".

Just Babe "y"

Oh, and before I forget, to mention...my SIL just went into labor today. Coincidental I suppose.

Today also happens to be graduation day for me. I got to say my goodbyes and hugs at the RE's office. She gave me her notes and looked it over. Thought it was interesting at least.

"GESTATIONAL SAC

Chorionic Sac A
Sonographic Visualization: Sonographic visualization is adequate.
Sac size: Size of chorionic sac is appropriate for gestational age.
Appearance of sac: Chorionic sac appears normal.
Yolk Sac: A single yolk sac is identified.
Fetal Pole: A single fetal pole is identified.
Fetal pole size: Crown rump length (CRL) is appropriate for gestational age.
Cardiac activity: Fetal heart activity is identified.

Chorionic Sac B
Sonographic Visualization: Sonographic visualization is adequate.
Sac size: Size of chorionic sac is small for gestational age.
Yolk Sac: No yolk sac is identified. A fetal pole is not identified.

The previous week notes on 'B':
Sonographic Visualization: Sonographic visualization is adequate.
Sac size: Size of chorionic sac is small for gestational age.
Appearance of sac: Chorionic sac appears normal.
Yolk Sac: A single yolk sac is identified.
Fetal Pole: A single fetal pole is identified.
Fetal pole size: Crown rump length (CRL) is small for gestational age.
Cardiac activity: Fetal heart activity is identified. "

In the end this data plus the sonogram photos will be the only record that this baby ever existed. Well that plus this blog and the lovely well wishes you all have left.

It's just so strange. I don't know what to call it.

The doctor's notes refer to the whole thing as "vanishing twin". Although this is true. One week there was a heartbeat and in the next there was not. Eventually the baby will completely disappear, so it's hard to argue with that term. I just don't feel right referring to this experience as that. Too medical.

Yet I feel guilty saying it's a loss or a miscarriage although I think that is the technical term for losing a twin at nearly 9 weeks. If that would have been the only baby it most certainly would have been. I'm sure of it. I'm at a loss to call it a loss. Too emotional maybe?

How could I call it a loss when I have so much? After eight years of waiting, we are going to have a baby. How could that possibly compare to parents who abruptly lost that one thing they thought they were going to have to bring them so much joy? Why should I receive even an ounce of sympathy when having a baby is still ahead of me?

But, by doing so am I adding to the notion that it will just vanish?

Perhaps I could just think that when this baby was conceived he/she asked for a bodyguard, someone to be on the lookout and make sure everything's on the up and up. Now that things are as they should the bodyguard is free to leave? No, doesn't seem right either.

I give up. I don't know what to call this experience.

Or maybe I do. I guess it's in the title I wrote at the start of the blog post. The "Absence of Heart; Growth of Others". I think this is true for many reasons. I lost a little piece of my heart when I learned the reality one baby was gone. The baby's heart is now absent. However, the other baby is growing and doing well. And our hearts (all three of us) are growing despite the bandage over the missing pieces.

And that I'm okay with. I'm a momma bird who lost an egg in the nest, but still a momma with a job to do just the same.