Partie Excludere

in⋅vi⋅ta⋅tion 
–noun
1. the act of inviting.
2. the written or spoken form with which a person is invited.
3. something offered as a suggestion: an invitation to consider a business merger.
4. attraction or incentive; allurement.
5. a provocation: The speech was an invitation to rebellion.

ex⋅clu⋅sion 
–noun
1. an act or instance of excluding.
2. the state of being excluded.
3. Physiology. a keeping apart; blocking of an entrance.

(definitions provided by: http://dictionary.reference.com/)

It seems to me that when one experiences a lack of invitation, it would be reasonable according the web defition at least, to therefore feel excluded. Whether intentional or unintentional one can still be justifiably hurt to learn that they have been excluded.

I have a feeling you all know where I'm going with this.

Through a conversation Marvy had with his mother on Tuesday, (we called for her birthday) I learned that over the weekend she had the most wonderful time at C's (Marvy's sister) baby shower. The other SIL A, (Marvy's little brother's wife) who co-hosted, did such a wonderful job with the baby shower games that she actually had fun.

As my intelligent bloggy homies that you are, I'm sure you figured out that I was never invited or even given the head's up/acknowledgement of said baby shower.

C lives halfway accross the country and an expensive airplane ticket away from our whole family. So, I never presumed that I would even get a shower invite. Marvy's mother is flying up there for the birth and to stay and help a bit. So, she would not have afforded to have flown there for such an occasion. Pretty much same goes for everyone else. However, this shower was a day trip drive away during a three (and in our case four) day weekend. I didn't even know she was going to fly into this particular city in my driving radius, but she needed to clean up the house they are selling and her friends decided it would be perfect timing to throw her a shower. The SIL A, only lives two hours away, so she was able to go. And my MIL decided to fly up to help, so she was able to go.



Now before anyone labels me the overly sensitive angry infertile, (Yes, I know it's not like they came to my city and forgot to invite me) I do realize of course, the circumstances are coincidental. I highly doubt that those involved came to the intentional conclusion that I, being the obvious infertile party pooper that I am, should not be invited. I get that. Frack it. It still hurts, because if it were me, I would have been more thoughtful.

Going to her baby shower would have been difficult and sad for me. Yet, despite how it would have made me feel, I still would have wanted to go. Marvy would have wanted the opportunity to see his sister with a pregnant belly. When she has the baby this summer it's pretty unlikely that we will get the chance to travel up there to see her. For one thing, there's the possibility that we'll be in the middle of an IVF cycle. Second, I don't think I can afford burning up the vacation days, and potentially leaving me with no recovery days to take off. Lastly, it will be cost prohibitive. This would have been the perfect chance for us to go up there during a three day weekend and share in the celebration of this first child in our family. This was the only baby shower that included any family. When you consider who the women are in our immediate family, there are only four. My MIL, SIL C, SIL A, and me. Three of the four were present yet I was not.

After listening to my "complaints" about all of this Marvy thought that perhaps the family should throw her a baby shower and invite the extended family and friends. (Obviously, not by me) He thought he should talk to his mom about that. He said it could even be after the baby is born. I told him he can try, but I know that's not going to work out. There's no reason for my MIL to throw her a shower after she had the chance to go to one. There's no way for my other SIL to afford to travel to my MIL's city and why would she when she co-hosted one. My SIL is not going to be able to afford to fly down to my MIL's city and probably can't justify the headache of traveling with an infant just for a baby shower.

It leaves me extremely dissapointed. At first Marvy was really mad at me for getting upset about it. (We were up till 2am "discussing" it) After all it is only a party and besides considering the fact that her pregnancy has been difficult for you, why would anyone come up with the thought of telling you about it?" He said. Eventually he calmed down and agreed that given the fact that they were a reasonable driving distance away even with no party, given the potential opportunity, it was disappointing.

Which brings me to this point. If you are a friend or family member of a person or couple struggling with infertility, and you are asking yourself, "Should I invite my infertile friend or family member to my baby shower/christening/child event?" Even though it may be difficult, it is still helpful to reach out to that person during events that had the circumstance been different you wouldn't think twice about inviting to. The act of not inviting is only going to make that person feel more excluded and seperated. They may not be able to attend, but at least they were given that choice to make. What would probably make that person feel better is to attach a seperate note to their invitation or maybe a personal phone call. Include something like the following:

"I know that it's events like these that make your struggle more difficult, and I don't want you to feel obligated to attend. I just thought I'd make sure to include you as you are someone I deeply care for."

Now that I have that off my chest, I'm off to start my weekend. Which, oh by the way, includes seeing MIL and SIL A who are traveling to my city for a wedding of a family friend that we are all going to. And how is it my intelligent bloggy homies that we are all going to this event? Oh, that's right, because we were all invited.