When Infertility KO's Your Spouse

Marvy's birthday was in May and I asked him what he wanted for his 35th. In all seriousness he said...

I want a baby. I really do.

Apparently since he turned 35, he now *really* wants a baby. This doesn't mean that he didn't want one all along but rather he actually thinks and even daydreams about it. Shows on TV where pregnancy announcements take place now make him sad for a little bit. (Speaking of which...The Office...WTF!!! This used to be my go to show to get away from pregnancy/infertility stuff! UGH!) Where was I? Ah yes... Before he simply wanted it for me or because he looks forward to being a father one day.

But I think there is a difference between wanting to be a father and wishing for a baby when looking at parenthood from the male perspective.

I think recently...I have started to turn towards a better, brighter, less bitter, hopeful and not as depressed attitude. (at least I'm having more of those moments whereas before I had none!!!) Meanwhile Marvy has moved from his previous position of "It will happen when it happens...everything's going to work out...don't worry so much" to mine.

During our vacation, AF showed up the night before we were supposed to go to New Orleans. He was so disappointed. He thought that since it was now his birthday wish that he was going to get it. That somehow The Almighty and the whole universe would change our 1-2% odds, simply because it was now his sincere request and not my biological clock ticking.

Remember how I told you guys that we were visiting a very pregnant Mr. & Mrs. Rubble? Well, they had the baby this past Saturday. We logged onto face.book to view the pics. I saw the photos of mom, dad and baby and I didn't have those nasty butterflies in my stomach. I sincerely enjoyed seeing the photos.

Marvy was in that place that I normally am. You know the one - The "Yes, I'm happy for them...I know their fertility has nothing to do with my infertility...but I'm still so sad/depressed/want to pick up a kitty and snuggle and cry" place. Okay maybe he didn't want to snuggle and cry into a kitty. But it affected him.

And I did catch him with tears in his eyes.

Not right then...but later that day we went to Chip.otle for dinner. We ate our burrito bowls and guacamole outside on the patio and he was very quiet. We started talking about it and all of a sudden I was the motivator and he was the depressed one. "It's going to happen this month Marvy! I really think this IUI is it. And if it's not, then this will happen in just three months. We're almost there!"

It didn't change anything. He was still sad. He expressed his disappointment with our last non-treatment month before having to pull out the big ammo with injectibles and eventually the cannon with IVF. How the prospect of IVF scares the bejeesus out of him. He's anxious about how all the medications will effect me. I told him how it was sad, but at least it wasn't as sad as the heartbreaking BFN after Thanksgiving. He said, "I know, I don't like to think about that one at all. You had all those pregnancy symptoms. I really thought we were going to have a baby this summer." I looked at him and his eyes were red and welling up with tears. I said, "You look like you're about to cry". He lied and said that it was his allergies. Bollocks.

He said that seeing his friend hold his newborn actually gave him the same butterflies in his stomach as I would tell him about whenever I saw something pregnancy/baby related that was hard. For the first time he knew what I was talking about.

That's it!

Now listen here you beeyotch Infertility, (pardon my language) it's one thing to come land on my shoulders and pull that noose around my neck but it's quite another to mess with my spouse. He was perfectly content until now. That was a cheap shot. You should be forewarned, you have now met your match, and you're going down IF...

You're going down.