May We Have a Frank Nipple Conversation?

Why does Liv want to talk about Frank's nipples?

No, not Frank's nipples... A frank conversation about nipples and breasteses. More specifically my nipples and breasteses. :o) BTW: if you are a male friend of mine who happens to be reading my blog (Good Lord, why would you still be reading after that last sentence?) this would be a perfect time to stop altogether and catch another issue. Or if you keep reading...just don't ever tell me you did.

The reason why I'd like to discuss this is because I fear a problem with breastfeeding is in my imminent future. And before you ding me as being the worry wart, about to be first time mom who is just worrying for no reason...hear me out first.

Let's start at the beginning. And by that I do mean back to the very beginning of my life with bewbies. When I was (insert whatever age girls started needing to wear training bras circa late 80's early 90's) I noticed something a little odd about how I was developing. Let's refer to these ladies as "The Left" and "The Right" because I find the political humor funny. I seriously thought that I must have been stung by a ferocious mosquito or something because "The Right's" nipple looked different then the other. The issues that I picked up on never really went away, and at the age of about 14 I started to wonder if this was going to be a problem for me when one day I needed to breastfeed.

Yup, you heard that right. I was concerned about my ability to breastfeed as an early teenager. What can I say? I've always been mature for my age.

And now you're wondering what could possibly be the problem. Well I lovingly refer to "The Right" as "Mt. St. Helens". Remember that one? It's the volcano in Washington that blew it's top and now it's way shorter than it used to be? All of the volcano components that were on the top are now at the base of the volcano.

Here's Mt. St. Helen's before: Beautiful perfect cone shape...

And Mt. St. Helen's After: Flat top, just about half the volcano it used to be with bits of volcanic rock way down at the base, with one side of it looking like it slid right off. A rather cold barren unappealing version of what it used to be.


That my friends is exactly what "The Right" looks like. The nipple is half the size as it's leftist counterpart. And it's almost as if the components that should have made up the nipple part slid into the areola.

It's a Vast Right Boob conspiracy. (I'm so sorry I couldn't help myself....wait - who am I kidding - I'm cracking my self up!)

Now, "The Left's" architecture is less than desirable too. In one of my books it said that if you squeeze the breast and the nipple turns in instead of out than it may be inverted. Well, anytime I squeeze the breast mimicking the ideal hold to put the breast in as you are about to get it into the mouth of a hungry babe, the nipple sinks into the areola...not out. (Helloooo...Could someone tell Blogger to add the word AREOLA to their dictionary...c'mon people!)

And then at further observation when I stretch out the nipple part and look at it straight on, the nipples have crevices which I'm sure are designed to be the actual place the milk will come out of. "The Left" has more of an ideal 'X or almost '*' pattern. "The Right" looks like two tiny vertical slits '\' that are not nearly as deep of a crevice as the other.

The first time I met the medical professional hired to check on all my lady bidness and feel me up, aka Dr. Gyno, I inquired about my seemingly less than perfect nipples. "Will this be an issue when I need to breastfeed?"

No. Was always the response.

But he was a guy and a Gyno at that. Seriously what did he know?

With every new hired lady bidness checker I would ask about them and everyone would say there was nothing to worry about. Then I became pregnant and started reading the breastfeeding books...

"Babies feed from the breast not the nipple"
"Your body can compensate for issues during breastfeeding"
"Babies are able to learn and form to your breasts in order to feed"

So, I calmed myself down, confident in thinking that whatever issue that I had, if I kept LLL on my speedial I'd be fine.

Then two things happened. First, I made the mistake of observing my SIL pumping. Seeing her nipples in the cups and the suction of the machine making them go, "shlump, shlump, shlump". My first thought was, "They're pefect! That's exactly what they're supposed to look like! The only thing more perfect would have been cow udders. And that's so not what I have"

Second, my breasts have been doing some wacky stuff. Just like the books said... my areolas are the size of saucer plates. Fine I can deal if that's what happens in "normal" pregnancy. But, shortly after the areola change whenever the nipple gets hard it not just the nipple any more. It's practically the entire freaking saucer plate!

The nipple is not plyable it's, it's, it's more like... aw hell let me describe it this way.

I want you to imagine a cheerio on a head of broccoli, and then a half cheerio on another head of broccoli. Then try to imagine how in the heck a little baby is supposed to get that in his mouth and somehow get milk out.

I shared my concerns with a friend of mine and she told me with the boobs I have I'll probably be a factory cranking out feedings and pumping into bottles like nothing and that I worry too much. I didn't find such dismissal all that helpful. I told her I was going to bring it up to the midwife anyway and see what she said.

At my last midwife appointment when she asked me if I had any questions I said, "Yeah, um can I flash you my boobs?" She was great about it and took great care in examining and feeling around. I showed her "The Left" first and explained how I was afraid it was inverted. She didn't seem to think so, but she did say that it is flat and I may need to use a nipple sheild. Then I told her that wasn't the problem one. So, I showed her "The Right". And guess what happened? She justified my concerns!

Funny huh? When we think that there's a problem you'd think the best thing to hear would be "Nothings wrong!", yet we breath a sigh of relief when someone says, "Yup that's a problem!"

She basically said that if I wanted to breastfeed I was probably going to have to be pretty committed to it. Worst case scenario is that I may only be able to use the one [somewhat challenged "Leftist"] breast. But, babies can thrive on just the one. She shared how when she breastfeed her twins they were only getting one anyway. I asked if maybe I could pump with the bad one...and she said that maybe that will be my solution. I pump on "The Right" and I feed on "The Left". She said that the hardness may be due to colostrum making it's arrival.

She suggested (before I was even going to ask!) that I seek a lactation consultant now. Obviously there is not a whole lot that can be done until after the baby is here and we see what actually happens...but she did say that they would love to talk to me. She said that they love to see women while they are still pregnant and not weeks later when they are desperate and exhausted.

Well, I am committed. Obviously if I cared at the age of 14 and my ability to breastfeed you could call me committed. But, also at a young age I helped one of my mom's friends who was a LLL leader and that is when I really learned a lot about breastfeeding and felt that I really wanted to be comitted to it when my time came.

So there we go. There's my issue in a nutshell. I'm going to figure out where to find nipple and breast shields, get a hold of a lactation consultant, put LLL on speadial and cross my fingers. I'm so hope that all of this works out and I figure out some sort of solution.